rayintheuk
5th September 2008, 06:18 AM
This could well be the longest joke post ever, but this is a tale in which you need to participate. You'll need a new envelope (preferably the size of A5 paper, but any new one will do) and a pair of scissors. This is a gag to tell your mates, so practice it first! Here's the patter:
A bloke goes rushing into a brothel and says to the woman behind the counter: "I must see Christine at once."
"She's with a client" says the madam.
"Well, interrupt her," says the gent.
"Lift your foot up a bit, sonny. If you were the client, you wouldn't want interrupting, so I'll not interrupt now. Either leave a message, or kindly do one."
"Message?" asks the man.
"Yes," she replies, "we've got pigeon-holes for all the girls."
"Will anyone else see it?" he asks.
"No, certainly not. They'd have to get past me first" says the madam.
"Right," says the man, "Have you got an envelope?"
The woman produces an envelope and hands it to him.
"Have you got a pair of scissors?" he asks next.
"You mean a pen, don't you?" she responds.
"No!" he retorts, "a pair of scissors, please."
She pops out the back and returns, muttering, with a pair of scissors.
He then seals the empty envelope and makes the cuts as follows:
(Here's your part - follow the instructions carefully, please)
The first cut thinly slices off the top (as shown), removing the shaded part.
The second cut, about 20mm down, stops about 20mm short of the side.
The third cut repeats the second, same distance from the bottom, stopping short as above.
The final cut takes a thin slice off the section between the horizontal cuts, like this:
http://www.raygirling.co.uk/images/vicdiagr.jpg
He then hands the envelope to the madam, saying "Tell her to ring me immediately she gets this, please."
"Who are you, then?" asks the woman.
"I can't possibly tell you that" he replies, "I'd lose my job, my house, my family and my social status if anyone knew I'd even been in here, let alone was a regular."
"Well, how will Christine know?" came the question.
"She'll know!" he replied and shot off out the door.
Twenty minutes later, Christine appears from upstairs. "How many is that this morning?" asks the madam.
"Eleven," replies Christine.
"Coo, your poor feet!" responds the woman. "By the way, some gink left a message for you." Christine examines the envelope carefully.
"Who the hell left this?" she asks.
"He wouldn't say," replied the madam, "just that he'd lose his job, house, family and social status if anyone knew he'd been in here before. You're to contact him at once."
"How am I supposed to know who it is?" she remarks.
This is where YOU come in again - you're now Christine, BTW.
Take hold of the middle of the two long flaps of the envelope, marked "X" in the diagram, one between the thumb and forefinger of each hand, with "X" nearest you. With the top uppermost, part the flaps gently, as though opening a coat.
"Oh," Christine says, "It's the vicar!"
I hope it was worth it! I've never failed to get a laugh with it. http://www.ukworkshop.co.uk/forums/images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif
Ray
A bloke goes rushing into a brothel and says to the woman behind the counter: "I must see Christine at once."
"She's with a client" says the madam.
"Well, interrupt her," says the gent.
"Lift your foot up a bit, sonny. If you were the client, you wouldn't want interrupting, so I'll not interrupt now. Either leave a message, or kindly do one."
"Message?" asks the man.
"Yes," she replies, "we've got pigeon-holes for all the girls."
"Will anyone else see it?" he asks.
"No, certainly not. They'd have to get past me first" says the madam.
"Right," says the man, "Have you got an envelope?"
The woman produces an envelope and hands it to him.
"Have you got a pair of scissors?" he asks next.
"You mean a pen, don't you?" she responds.
"No!" he retorts, "a pair of scissors, please."
She pops out the back and returns, muttering, with a pair of scissors.
He then seals the empty envelope and makes the cuts as follows:
(Here's your part - follow the instructions carefully, please)
The first cut thinly slices off the top (as shown), removing the shaded part.
The second cut, about 20mm down, stops about 20mm short of the side.
The third cut repeats the second, same distance from the bottom, stopping short as above.
The final cut takes a thin slice off the section between the horizontal cuts, like this:
http://www.raygirling.co.uk/images/vicdiagr.jpg
He then hands the envelope to the madam, saying "Tell her to ring me immediately she gets this, please."
"Who are you, then?" asks the woman.
"I can't possibly tell you that" he replies, "I'd lose my job, my house, my family and my social status if anyone knew I'd even been in here, let alone was a regular."
"Well, how will Christine know?" came the question.
"She'll know!" he replied and shot off out the door.
Twenty minutes later, Christine appears from upstairs. "How many is that this morning?" asks the madam.
"Eleven," replies Christine.
"Coo, your poor feet!" responds the woman. "By the way, some gink left a message for you." Christine examines the envelope carefully.
"Who the hell left this?" she asks.
"He wouldn't say," replied the madam, "just that he'd lose his job, house, family and social status if anyone knew he'd been in here before. You're to contact him at once."
"How am I supposed to know who it is?" she remarks.
This is where YOU come in again - you're now Christine, BTW.
Take hold of the middle of the two long flaps of the envelope, marked "X" in the diagram, one between the thumb and forefinger of each hand, with "X" nearest you. With the top uppermost, part the flaps gently, as though opening a coat.
"Oh," Christine says, "It's the vicar!"
I hope it was worth it! I've never failed to get a laugh with it. http://www.ukworkshop.co.uk/forums/images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif
Ray