DPB
2nd February 2004, 10:12 AM
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert
have written an impressive new book. It's called
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your
boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path
to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were
inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping
and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking out
the trash, gives the impression that he just
cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just
vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic
might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he
told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write
me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would
be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found him
writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told
him rabies could be cured and he didn't have
to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will?
I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teen-ager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life,
may the splinters never point the wrong way.
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was
told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD
any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have
signed up in the first place!
16. When I was young we used to go
"skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk."
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst thing about accidents in
the kitchen is eating them.
19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching
may not be able to tell the difference.
20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up
our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete'
and start all over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and
then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22. My wife says I never listen to her.
At least I think that's what she said.
23. Just remember, if the world didn't suck,
we'd all fall off.
24. Why is it that our children can't read a
Bible in school, but they can in prison?
25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never
would have started with something called labor.
26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever
have written an impressive new book. It's called
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your
boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path
to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were
inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping
and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking out
the trash, gives the impression that he just
cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just
vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic
might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he
told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write
me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would
be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found him
writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told
him rabies could be cured and he didn't have
to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will?
I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teen-ager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life,
may the splinters never point the wrong way.
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was
told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD
any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have
signed up in the first place!
16. When I was young we used to go
"skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk."
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst thing about accidents in
the kitchen is eating them.
19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching
may not be able to tell the difference.
20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up
our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete'
and start all over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and
then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22. My wife says I never listen to her.
At least I think that's what she said.
23. Just remember, if the world didn't suck,
we'd all fall off.
24. Why is it that our children can't read a
Bible in school, but they can in prison?
25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never
would have started with something called labor.
26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever