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View Full Version : Competing with Allan, Barry and John.















Barry_White
16th November 2007, 04:56 PM
This is just a one off event in competing with those three. Some have been posted before, all of them pretty weak and sick. I don't know what happened to No 1 my mate didn't send it and it probably didn't matter anyway it was probably as bad as the others.

Here goes.

1. A fellow went into the butcher's shop and asked,
"How much are the lamb chops?"

The butcher replied, "Have a guess" so the chap
replied, "$13.99 a kilo".

The butcher said, "Go a bit higher" so the chap
replied in a higher pitched voice "13.99 a kilo".

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the
steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I
know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet,
"let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect
that number to climb As digging continues into the night.

Calm
16th November 2007, 06:52 PM
NO Bazza

Good try but sorry you have failed miserably there was one in there that was remotely humourous. :D:D:2tsup:

Allan, Barry & John are still the undisputed kings

I doubt they will be beaten, their standard just leaves me speachless

RETIRED
16th November 2007, 06:54 PM
One in there that I hadn't heard.:D

Barry Hicks
16th November 2007, 07:07 PM
No Barry, you are not in our class and you never will be if you keep introducing new material.

Barry Hicks

Barry_White
16th November 2007, 07:23 PM
Well I give up, I just can't find enough crap jokes to compete.

Scally
16th November 2007, 08:11 PM
I think you have them rattled Barry.

Give 'em some more.

OLDPHART
16th November 2007, 08:40 PM
Maybe someone will give them a new joke book for xmas?:please:

pawnhead
17th November 2007, 09:22 AM
Well I give up, I just can't find enough crap jokes to compete.Well I thought they were funny.:U

Haven't heard most of them. :2tsup:

edit:Oops! I've got to pay more attention to what's said. :doh:

munruben
17th November 2007, 08:02 PM
Keep at it Barry, it takes a lot of practice to be as good as the 3 stooges. Oops, did I say that?:)

Tonyz
17th November 2007, 09:44 PM
Maybe someone will give them a new joke book for xmas?:please:

WHAT????????? you want to encourage them? for gawds sake use your head

Allan at Wallan
19th November 2007, 05:07 PM
Barry,

Pop this one as the No. 1. entry (just to lift the
standard a bit).:D

A fellow went into the butcher's shop and asked,
"How much are the lamb chops?"

The butcher replied, "Have a guess" so the chap
replied, "$13.99 a kilo".

The butcher said, "Go a bit higher" so the chap
replied in a higher pitched voice "13.99 a kilo".

Allan

________________________________________

I am not at all worried about dying
... but just hope I am not there at the time.

Groggy
19th November 2007, 05:32 PM
Barry,

Pop this one as the No. 1. entry (just to lift the
standard a bit).:D

A fellow ...Well? We're waiting...:;

Barry_White
19th November 2007, 05:36 PM
Barry,

Pop this one as the No. 1. entry (just to lift the
standard a bit).:D

A fellow went into the butcher's shop and asked,
"How much are the lamb chops?"

The butcher replied, "Have a guess" so the chap
replied, "$13.99 a kilo".

The butcher said, "Go a bit higher" so the chap
replied in a higher pitched voice "13.99 a kilo".

Allan

________________________________________

I am not at all worried about dying
... but just hope I am not there at the time.

Done.

Barry_White
19th November 2007, 05:38 PM
Well? We're waiting...:;

Hey

Groggy

Did you restore my edit option?

Groggy
19th November 2007, 05:47 PM
Hey

Groggy

Did you restore my edit option?If that's a good thing, yes, if not - no! :D.

No Barry, didn't touch anything (for once!).

pawnhead
20th November 2007, 10:16 PM
It used to be that you couldn't edit your posts after 24 hours, but now you can edit any of your posts regardless of how old they are.

Another forum that I'm a member of allows you to edit your posts at any time, but if you do it more than 60 seconds after posting, then the post automatically shows that it has been edited regardless of whether you give a reason or not. This gives you a minute to fix up any typos. Here, it only displays the post as being edited if you type a reason for the edit in the optional box.
I don't use the box unless I'm altering the original text for clarification. If I'm fixing a typo, or spelling, then I don't show an edit, and if I'm adding more material, then I start with the word 'Edit;' at the bottom of my post.

I feel that this isn't 'cheating' in any way by altering what I've originally said.

Edit; Sometimes in my lengthier posts, when I'm helping someone out by explaining something, I might make quite a few additions after originally posting, since I often think of more tips that I can add.

Edit 2; I usually number my edits if there's more than one.

Edit 3; I've never 'pulled' a post, unless it was an accidental double post. Once you've said something, it can't be taken back, and if I've put my foot in my mouth, then I just have to apologize.

joe greiner
21st November 2007, 01:36 AM
It used to be that you couldn't edit your posts after 24 hours, but now you can edit any of your posts regardless of how old they are.

Might be a limitation on that. Perhaps only allows ONE edit? I half remember repeated edits some time ago, but all within 24 hours IIRC. I had a post 19Nov2007 0941pm; edited it at 1143pm. At 20Nov2007 1152pm (24 hours 9 minutes after first edit), I couldn't edit again, so I quoted myself instead. (Usual header, except t=60883).

Also, I see no edit button on my much earlier posts. Is there a secret handshake for implementing this new feature?

Joe

pawnhead
21st November 2007, 02:00 AM
Yeh I just checked out some of my older posts, and the edit button is gone again on anything more than a day old.
I distinctly remember a short while ago when I was referring back to my older posts, there was an edit button there. Something strange going on unless the mods are playing around with the settings. :?

jow104
21st November 2007, 03:12 AM
shall we say under investigation

Koala-Man
21st November 2007, 08:45 AM
Perhaps the correct version of number 16 might be:

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Gaz.

pawnhead
21st November 2007, 06:55 PM
Perhaps the correct version of number 16 might be:

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Gaz.Well it's too late for him to edit it now. :wink:

What do you call a bear with no ears?

"b"

It's more of a verbal joke, pronounced 'buh'. :p