Apologies to any Kiwis

[silentC]

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a Rugby World Cup match in Sydney. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats, but the three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.

When they board the train, the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Kiwis cram into another, nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[Eastie]

And another.

Rangi and Kingi are on their way home from a Tangi, and they get killed in a car crash.
Rocking up to the Pearly Gates, they find them unattended. Rangi rings the bell, and presently Saint Peter appears.

"Can I help you boys?" he asks.
"Yeah, we want to come in," says Rangi.
"Sorry, but it's Tuesday," says St Peter. "It's God's day off. You'll have to come back tomorrow."
"But we know God real well," says Kingi. "When we were little we had this Auntie who used to make us pray all the time. You go and tell Him that Rangi and Kingi are here, and he'll let us in."

St Peter relents, and disappears out the back, where The Creator is having a wee kip in a hammock.
"Sorry to bother you Boss, but there are two Maori boys here. They want to come in."
God looks up. "For crying out loud Pete, it's Tuesday, my day off. Go tell them to wait in limbo."
"I said that, but they insist that they know you very well. Their names are Rangi and Kingi."
God rolls His eyes. "OK, go bring them in, but this is the last time, OK?"

St Peter heads back out the front. A moment later he's back.
"They're gone," says St Peter.
"The Kiwi boys?" asks God.
"No, the Pearly Gates."

[silentC]

While we're on the subject, news just in:

"The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 Australian sheep in the Persian Gulf has been solved. The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and renamed 'The Love Boat'."

[Driver]

Wiremu lands in Sydney to watch the Bledisloe Cup. He isn’t feeling well, so he decides to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, eh" says Wiremu.

The doctor gives him a thorough examination and informs Wiremu that he has prostate problems, and that the only cure is immediate testicular removal.

"No way doc! I'm here for the footy!" replies Wiremu "I'm gittin' a sicond opunion eh!"

The second Aussie doctor gives Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advises him that testicular removal is the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refuses the treatment.

Wiremu is devastated but, with only hours to go before the game he finds an expat Kiwi doctor and decides to get one last opinion from someone he can trust. The Kiwi doctor examines him and says:

"Wiremu, you hiv prostate suckness ey".

"What's the cure thin doc, ey?" asks Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Will, Wiremu", says the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna hiv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thenk Gawd for thet! " says Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my Tist tucket orf me!"