Wayne Davy
26th March 2003, 01:38 PM
The Modern Toolbox
Hammer
In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver
The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver
The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers
A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers
Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowner’s belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light
A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill
A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone
The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor
A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother in laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw
Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips
A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
Hammer
In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver
The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver
The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers
A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers
Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowner’s belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light
A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill
A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone
The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor
A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother in laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw
Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips
A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.