barnsey
18th October 2002, 05:18 PM
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella
Awards. These prizes should rank right up there with the Beagle Awards
as prime examples that Darwin might have been wrong. The Stella's are
named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and
successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Awards for
the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. Actually, the
award should be given to the flaming idiots who awarded anything at all to
these
morons---who deserved NOTHING!!!! The following are this year's
candidates:
1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a
jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler
was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when
he was trying to steal his neighbour's hub caps.
3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he
had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a
case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the
homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbour's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award
was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a
little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting It repeatedly
with
a pellet gun..
5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a
night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to
the
floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton
was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma
City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the
cruise
control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and
make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him
in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded
him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles
Awards. These prizes should rank right up there with the Beagle Awards
as prime examples that Darwin might have been wrong. The Stella's are
named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and
successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Awards for
the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. Actually, the
award should be given to the flaming idiots who awarded anything at all to
these
morons---who deserved NOTHING!!!! The following are this year's
candidates:
1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a
jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler
was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when
he was trying to steal his neighbour's hub caps.
3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he
had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a
case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the
homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbour's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award
was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a
little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting It repeatedly
with
a pellet gun..
5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a
night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to
the
floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton
was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma
City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the
cruise
control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and
make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him
in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded
him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles