DaveInOz
29th January 2003, 09:22 AM
If Qantas sold paint...
First a reprise of how ordinary hardware stores sell paint:
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality paint for $18 a litre and premium paint for
$25. How many litres would you like?
Customer: Five litres of regular paint please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $90 plus GST.
..................
Now, imagine you are buying paint from Qantas.
First you try reaching them by phone to ask if they have paint. All you get
is music on hold, so you drive to a Qantas store.
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a litre, and we have 60 different prices up
to $200 a litre.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you
will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue
painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a
certain number of litres on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price
per litre just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and
since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we
just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as
possible. How many litres do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five litres. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it,
there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north
bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose
your remaining litres of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid
you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every
drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't
keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every litre you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs?
Clerk: Well, that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-litres. One
$5 half-litre will do half a room. The second half-litre to complete the
room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no
refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom
and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you
won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us.
And I should point out sir, that if you paint in
only one direction, it will be $300 a litre.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your
next litre of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: But we're now THIS COUNTRY'S only paint supplier! And don't go
looking for bargains! Thanks for painting with Qantas.
First a reprise of how ordinary hardware stores sell paint:
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality paint for $18 a litre and premium paint for
$25. How many litres would you like?
Customer: Five litres of regular paint please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $90 plus GST.
..................
Now, imagine you are buying paint from Qantas.
First you try reaching them by phone to ask if they have paint. All you get
is music on hold, so you drive to a Qantas store.
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a litre, and we have 60 different prices up
to $200 a litre.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you
will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue
painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a
certain number of litres on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price
per litre just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and
since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we
just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as
possible. How many litres do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five litres. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it,
there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north
bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose
your remaining litres of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid
you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every
drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't
keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every litre you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs?
Clerk: Well, that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-litres. One
$5 half-litre will do half a room. The second half-litre to complete the
room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no
refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom
and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you
won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us.
And I should point out sir, that if you paint in
only one direction, it will be $300 a litre.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your
next litre of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: But we're now THIS COUNTRY'S only paint supplier! And don't go
looking for bargains! Thanks for painting with Qantas.