Iain
9th August 2001, 08:58 AM
Stolen from another forum but here goes;
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. Help you locate your fingertips on the other side of the cardboard.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also
works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders right on top of the brake line that goes to the rear wheels.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the
last 15 minutes. Gives the exact same results as the pliers.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest, removes many layers of skin and nerve endings instantly from your knuckles and flings your coffee across the room, splattering red and black spots on that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake
setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood products from new openings in various body parts.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. Help you locate your fingertips on the other side of the cardboard.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also
works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders right on top of the brake line that goes to the rear wheels.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the
last 15 minutes. Gives the exact same results as the pliers.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest, removes many layers of skin and nerve endings instantly from your knuckles and flings your coffee across the room, splattering red and black spots on that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake
setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood products from new openings in various body parts.