Mil

[Waldo]

G'day,

OK this is a rant to get something off my chest.

MIL is down doing a great job of helping SHMBO. What I don't appreciate is when you have a disagreement with SWMBO and MIL steps in and says, 'Well she is upset you know" Flaming hell! To me that's crossing the line, FIL does that and that has tarnished the friendship and we don't see eye to eye as a result and has lost the right for me to call him "dad". If he wants that right he has to earn it, now MIL is doing the same and will soon lose the "Mum".

Is it only me? Or is there someone else that has the same problem, ie. in-laws stepping in with their 2¢ in husband/wife disagreements, even in the slightest disagreement. To me they should stay out of it and not become involved because when they do they lose any respect I might have with them.

Rant over.

[RufflyRustic]

Hey Waldo, I think it's over the mark, boundary, fence, line whatever. WAY over....


Like when MIL steps in when I'm dealing with the kids and I've just said "No, please don't do that because of this very good reason" and she says something that completely ruins my authority with the kids on that point :mad:

RR

[Waldo]

G'day Rufflyrustic,

I told SWMBO when FIL was down recently to have a quiet word in his ear that if he said anything about a particular subject that I'd launch into him, I don't want to have to do that with MIL as I respect her, but interfering in matters between parents / kids or husband and wife is going too far.

The problem is it's like they think my wife is still under their roof and won't let go, and so don't think about keeping out of things or that she/we are big people now and our decisions are ours. They are allowed to have opinions but forget that they are just that - opinions, not the law according to FIL for eg.

Thanks for the post and your understanding. :)

[Gumby]

As much as i get on well with mine, I never felt the 'mum' and 'dad' thing is the right way to go. We are just on a first name basis and that keeps it nice and simple. I don't think my actual mum would like me calling my MIL 'mum' anyway and I'd certainly feel strange doing it.

[craigb]

As much as i get on well with mine, I never felt the 'mum' and 'dad' thing is the right way to go. We are just on a first name basis and that keeps it nice and simple.

Same here.

[Gumby]

Same here.
Thanks Dad. :D

[Waldo]

As much as i get on well with mine, I never felt the 'mum' and 'dad' thing is the right way to go. We are just on a first name basis and that keeps it nice and simple. I don't think my actual mum would like me calling my MIL 'mum' anyway and I'd certainly feel strange doing it.

I never have felt comportable with it and every time I say it, it's with some hesitation and I'm sure they pick it up. Harder thing is calling FIL Dad when my Dad died a bit over 3 years ago.

[namtrak]

To keep it in perspective, all our swmbo's and hwmbo's are the sons and daughters of our mils and fils.

Now think about your own son and daughter and try and imagine yourself not having something to say when the deadbeat boyfriend with a pickle in his nose says something that you think is out of line to your daughter. Or maybe when the skanky deadbeat girlfriend tells your son to earn more money, will you not want to slap her down?

I know this for certain, that even though my daughters are only 14, 10, 6 - I am going to set new boundaries for obnoxious FIL's - and I don't give a toss. The girls may as well enter the nunnery now cause NO boy is ever going to be good enough!!!

[Waldo]

G'day Namtrak,

Fair post, but sometimes the umbilical cord has to cut and boundries be set. That's my fight and the husband of SIL has the same problem - except I won't take it.

To your point, your children are still under your roof so it's by your rules and values that they live until such a time and you hope that what you have tried to teach them goes with them and stays with them.

[RufflyRustic]

First and foremost, I love my Mum dearly..... but.......

Mum has been staying with us since just before New Year. She will be staying with us for at least another 3 weeks. HWMNBO is coping, just.

Mum still occaisionally treats me like her baby daughter, but mostly treats me as me. I respect her for this and try my utmost to love and respect her in return.

However, if she cleans my house One More Time, especially tidying up private papers and our bedroom, I'm gonna get 'cubed' and explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There, that feels better, so yes Waldo, I really do empathise with you.

Sometimes a graceful/ungraceful and even very hurried and undignified rush to the sanctuary of the shed is needed. I just ran away to Major Panic's instead :) (edit - for one afternoon of getting away from it all)

cheers
Wendy

[Waldo]

First and foremost, I love my Mum dearly..... but.......


Sometimes a graceful/ungraceful and even very hurried and undignified rush to the sanctuary of the shed is needed. I just ran away to Major Panic's instead :)

cheers
Wendy

Did that once and she followed me down to duke it out. We hugged and made up, but that was when she crossed the line which I thought she wouldn't do. A couple of years ago FIL dragged me into a garage to have it out - I told him to " off" (can I say that?) and he learnt that I'll stand up to him, which probably surprised him. We all get along but sometimes that button will get pushed too hard.

[namtrak]

G'day Namtrak,

Fair post, but sometimes the umbilical cord has to cut and boundries be set.............values that they live until such a time and you hope that what you have tried to teach them goes with them and stays with them.

Why?

What gives an interloper more rights in the life of my flesh and blood?

I know this all sounds pretty draconian - I'm not really that bad, playing the Devils Advocate more than anything. At the end of the day I believe it's all about respect. My respect for the choices my daughters make (as long as they make the right ones :rolleyes: ), the respect any potential thieving interlopers have my daughters and their parents, and the respect my daughters have for themselves and others around them (but mostly their father, ooops parents yeh).

Personally I have a great relationship with my MIL, she is pretty cool all things considered. One odd little insight is the way both swmbo and I respond to each others opinions about their in-laws. SWMBO can sit their moaning and whining about her mum, but the moment I jump in and say "yeh, the other day she give me the tom-tits....." well just watch out!! And the same goes for me, I can sit there bitching and moaning about my folks but the minute SWMBO adds her two bits worth - boy do I get all self-righteous!!!! What a weird world!

[Studley 2436]

Damn Wendy you get to run away to Major Panics place. What I wouldn't give for a few days there! That would be just sensational! Could finally learn how to do decent woodwork.

My Mother in Law is Japanese, so I just call her Oka San or mum she likes it and that is pretty cool. The FIL I just call by his name Akisada. Anyway seeing we don't have a common language they don't butt in easy.

Actually my father doesn't butt in either which is a downer as it has lead to my sister and I being estranged. I still don't know what the arguement is but it seems to be that John Howard was re elected time before last. She just thinks politics is too important. Yep we do need Dad to put his foot down and pull everyone back into line. After all the speaches he made that he wouldn't allow any breakup or anyone to be excluded from the family,"it will only happen over my dead body" and well not game to tell her to behave. What do you do about that. Anyway I guess I am just bored silly with the whole thing. Used to go to their place and the kids get bumped out of the picture and the conversation boils down to, Bill Clinton is a great president, George W Bush is the anti Christ who will destroy the world as it is meant to be, John Howard is a lap dog, Alexander Downer is a pommy stuck up git who we have to get out of office. When they get wound up I get to hear what a great PM Gough was and how the system is endemically rotten and twisted against good and right.

I just want to ask them don't they have any friends didn't their kids do something at school, don't you have something happening in your life worth talking about. WHY are you talking so much about these people you have never even met?

Rant finished

SO
I want to get into Major's Shed actually his darkroom would be a pretty good thing too

Grandparents shouldn't undermine Parents and getting involved in an arguement between a couple is way out of line. My kids are smart enough to know about divide and conquer at 5 and 8, when they come to me for something I often hear that warning bell going and ask them what did your mother say? If she has told them something they won't get to weasel out of it by going behind her. I expect the same from my wife too.

Shooting your MIL is still illegal. Is it fair if she butts in like that to just tell her that if she wants to stay in your house she will have to respect your rules?

Studley

[silentC]

I'm pretty lucky with my in laws. They don't comment on affairs between SWMBO and myself and we generally don't air our dirty laundry in front of them anyway.

Her MIL is a different matter. She makes comments that SWMBO picks up on. Later she'll say "did you hear what your mum said about blah". I reply "nah, she was just joking". SWMBO is sure that she's not. Reckons she says these things to her when I'm not around - "she never says anything in front of you but I know she's having a go at me". Usually things to do with her playing golf instead of sitting at home looking after kids like she had to when I was a kid.

But I'm like Namtrak. If any snotty nosed kid so much as raises his voice to my daughter, he'll wish he'd never been born!

[Waldo]

Why?


To me it's about letting others make the choices they deem fit in their life, to have an arguement or sim'. Sometimes they may or may not make the choices you might or worse still have an opinion that doesn't for with yours.

(to clear the air - said disagreement was insignificant)

If marrying a daughter of whatever family means that I won't ever have a relationship with my wife because the in-laws think they can walk in and their word is the WORD and without interferance, then what sort of relationship will that be? Especially to that of the side of the in-laws?

[RufflyRustic]

There are rules, common courtesy and boundaries. Speaking from personal experience, some boundaries were crossed and I didn't realise I had such a boundary and wondered why I was getting so upset.

Again, personal experience only last week.. a good stoush to clear the air can help too, so long as it's not nasty. Believe me, the number of times I've wanted to say "GET OUT" but managed (barely) to stop myself as the back lash from that would have been nastier than working through the situation at that time.

Does that make any sense??
Wendy

[Waldo]

G'day Rufflyrustic,

Makes perfect sence.

I have an disagreement / arguement and when it's over I'm back to being calm and it's like it never happened - which puzzles SWMBO. :)

Wonder what MIL will say when they get back in from the hospital tonight with SWMBO, or will she have told MIL to keep quiet for all sakes.

This rant has gone on for much more than I thought it would by way of feedback etc.

Thanks.

Does this make it to the "Best of the Best" by way of how to deal with in-laws, because it has a dramatic effect on quality shed time and the pursuit of stuffing up perfectly good bits of wood? :D

[Waldo]

G'day,

Just a quick post.

The most important thing after my wife and little girl to me in the world is family. In-laws come in to that as well. :)

[Iain]

Is your problem unique...No
Is there a satisfactory way of dealing with the problem...probably not.
Of course with in laws, you will always be wrong, as will they in your eyes.
They will never let go, it's their role, you will probably be the same later on, even though you say you never will.
I remember my late MIL used to want to help cook dinner (her idea of good healthy food, 500 beans, boil for 40 minutes, lovely :( )
I cooked some eye fillet in a pan, took out the steaks and put them in the oven to keep warm, turn around to deglaze the pan and she's bloody well washed it.
I picked her up under my arm (those who have seen me know I can) took her into the lounge room and deposited her in a chair.
Then she says to SWMBO, he has a violent streak doesn't he, I even put her down gently.
This was after several episodes of her ruining my cooking.
It got better, a friend and myself went on a fly fishing trip for a weekend, it rained solidly and we just gave up, we went back to my place arriving at about 3.00am, sneaked in quietly and I sent him to our spare room.
Got undressed in the dark and slid into bed, greeted by a loud scream from both rooms.
MIL had come over to keep SWMBO company for the weekend, no one told me, she doesn't like single beds so she gots ours.
That was an experience I will never forget, my mate felt pretty pleased with himself too having got into bed with SWMBO.

[craigb]

It got better, a friend and myself went on a fly fishing trip for a weekend, it rained solidly and we just gave up, we went back to my place arriving at about 3.00am, sneaked in quietly and I sent him to our spare room.
Got undressed in the dark and slid into bed, greeted by a loud scream from both rooms.
MIL had come over to keep SWMBO company for the weekend, no one told me, she doesn't like single beds so she gots ours.
That was an experience I will never forget, my mate felt pretty pleased with himself too having got into bed with SWMBO.

:D :D

Nothing like a good old bedroom farce eh?

:D :D

[Clinton1]

Waldo,
my 2c, from experience
If you think it is time to "have a word", then make sure that you are cool, calm and collected and have set a very clear agenda, i.e. know what you want to achieve and refuse to go off on a tangent and get emotional.
Tell them that you need to "have a word" and then ask them for their opinion on ....
Use words like "value your opinion, but allow us to make our own way in life".

They will want to be involved, and you will need to give them an opportunity to do this, and at the same time let them know what you need, and will tolerate. Maybe you also need to let them know that your marriage isn't a battleground to "make sure the same mistakes aren't repeated" - tactfully.

I think that the "In-Laws" relationship is something that has to be handled carefully, and respectfully. Simplying telling them that you respect their opinions but ask that they speak to you instead of getting directly involved is the best way... lets them feel like you respect them, but allows you to have that distance where necessary. I guess it depends if you, and they, are mature enough to make that happen in a way that keeps all involved happy.

I'm happy to listen and to seek the advice of my father and mother In-laws, but they know that my wife and I run the house and that we have to sort things out for ourself. If we don't then aren't we a "crippled" family?
They also need to keep a good relationship with their daughter - after all you are "only" a johnny-come-lately and their ultimate responsibility will be to their daughter.

Something about "enough rope" (you) and "we'll be there at the end to pick up the pieces" (them)?

There is a middle ground, its getting there thats the prob. I'm an intolerent b$gger, so I think they knew I was trying and would not hesitate to fonk them off if they played up too much.:D

[Shedhand]

I have a brilliant MIL. SWMBO is a clone of her. I even invite MIL on long driving trips and holidays. FIL dead. Don't have anything to do with any of my lot. Kicked the kids out when they reached 16. Kicked former SWMBO out shortly after. Married an older women. Life is wonderful. (And uncomplicated).;);):):)

[ozwinner]

That was an experience I will never forget, my mate felt pretty pleased with himself too having got into bed with SWMBO.

Sure Iain :rolleyes: I bet youve got your eyes on this babe, havent you??

http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/attachment.php?attachmentid=17984&stc=1&thumb=1 (http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/attachment.php?attachmentid=17984)

Grrrrrrrrrr:p

Al :eek:

[Dion N]

Luckily for me, FIL has 40 years of experience as a cabinet maker, and I think he's quite chuffed to have a new apprentice...

Seriously though, I think that a lot of problems with the in laws often stem from unresolved problems in the parents who take out their frustrations on their offspring.

There are the parents who are frustrated because they never quite achieved their dreams and are resentful and thus try to stop their children acheiving anything. Some go the opposite way and try to pressure their kids into excelling at everything. Caught in the middle is the poor old partner of the child.He or she is a convenient target to be blamed for the problems that existed long before he/she met the son/daughter of the parents.

If your inlaws don't seem like you and are constantly disagreeing and finding faults with you, then it's because:

a) they genuinely don't like or agree your attitude, beleifs, approach to life etc (in which case you might like to think about why your partner choose you.. was it to spite his/her parents?)

or

b) they have no particular gripe against you, but because you are important to your partner, you are a means by which they can manipulate your partner.

or

c) you have replaced them in your partner's pecking order, and they resent that, especially if it means that they no longer have as much power to influence or manipulate your partner.

[John Saxton]

Waldo, simply put shout you inlaws a one way ticket interstate ....like mebbe New Guinea.;)

Seriously tho I have'nt had to brook your concerns as we've been isolated from IL's now for years and that in itself was a blessing as we were in remote communities here in WA for such a long time that they did'nt want to visit to suffer the indignity and the privacy that the outback could cater to.

All have passed on now and I feel that somehow we were the losers not having that close contact all the time.Inlaws for the main are generally well intentioned only wanting to maintain a contact with their loved one/s.

A firm but kindly aside will go further than losing your rag and regretting later something that would put strain on all relationships.
We had a visit from some rellies/IL's early on when we first got hitched and moved over here but was firm with them on how we collectively wanted to lead our life ,we did'nt love them any less but we made the decisions in our home/life.

Just my views.
Cheers:)

[ele__13]

Outlaws and inlaws mmmm well i had a very undermining mil when i was married she was just a downrite MOOO silly me married the baby of the family who was a spoilt bratt .... alas we have moved on and he married the @#$^& he had an affair with hey im happy for him he wakes up next to that heheheh (EWWWWWWWWWWWW) not my problem his ! his parents i get on better now than i did for a very long time when we where married ... they get grandma and grandpa from me as i cant come at calling them mum and dad any more cos she does and its enough to make u psysically sick ... hurl hurl hehehe

my mum lives in vic and i live in qld and i like it that way she never buts in these days ... she just didnt like my ex but then he was also not very nice to her either lost dad a few yrs ago but i can just see him and doug sharing a few beers and enjoying the world.....

dougs mum and dad are wonderful ive never had a prob with them but they are not mum and dad they are telle and lawrie and wonderful people !!

its amazing watching round us u get married and mothers turn into mum in laws from hell when somone dare's to take theire baby away

my soultion as much as it was against my grain ( braught up catholic) im happily living in sin enjoying life and love what i have .... wonderful man good kids and healthy life

hope ur mil is in a better mood today waldo and hope ur all doing well
cheers have a gr8 day

Jules

:)
:p:p:p:p:p:D:D:D:D:D:D