SWMBO has departed this mortal coil

[BobL]

Yesterday around lunchtime SWMNLBO suffered an aneurism followed by a heart attack and she passed away at 7:30 pm last night.
There was no sign she had been unwell , we had a coffee and a general chat on the front veranda and she continued to do some craft while I went inside to get myself some lunch. Around midday she came in to get lunch and went to the bathroom where she collapsed.

I was a blithering mess when it happened but the neighbours were fantastic. One called an Ambo and 2 started CPR (they had been on a course just 2 days before). 3 Ambos arrived within 15 minutes and they worked on her for about 30 minute before transferring her to hospital where they put her on a respirator and a scan showed the aneurism. My Dad died of the same thing 23 years ago so I knew then the general way this would eventually go.
The doctors were amazing and they even eventually raised a faint heartbeat but she was bleeding so badly her heart could not sustain any usable blood pressure and she died 7 hours late.

I have a son and daughter law and two small grandies but also a large extended family (9 siblings, 7 here in Perth) and fantastic neighbours who are all great support, but I have never felt so alone. My 2 dogs helped a bit last night when it got really bad. I've been walking aimlessly through the house this morning and her many finished and unfinished arts and crafts are everywhere. She was also a bit of a hoarder so there' all this (in my mind) useless crap around that part of me wants to get rid of immediately but another part says - she's bare left. . . . . .

She was only 67 and had suffered badly from severe vertigo for the last ~3 years which added to some mental illness issues and she became quite limited in what she was able to do eg could not drive. Over the last 6 months she had got some help with the mental illness and it seemed to be working cause she had just started driving short distances. We even started making some tentative plans but then . . . . .this.

One of the worst things I'm feeling is the regrets of what I never quite got around to telling her. Tell your loved ones those things now.

[A Duke]

My condolences.
Bare up
Regards

[Picko]

My condolences Bob.

[Ironwood]

Sorry to hear this Bob, I give you my condolences.
I am glad that you have family close by for support.

[Scribbly Gum]

My deepest sympathy Bob.
This is a time to keep friends and family close. The journey can be hard, but they will help
So sorry for your loss
Tom

[Chesand]

Sorry to hear that news, Bob.

Mourn your loss but treasure your memories.

Take care.

[pippin88]

Bob,

My deepest condolences. Whilst no one can say anything that will take your pain or loss away, sharing does still help.

[Bernmc]

So sorry to hear this, Bob. It must be very difficult to lose such a close partner.

[BobL]

So sorry to hear this, Bob. It must be very difficult to lose such a close partner.

Yes I'm feeling it very hard. Married for 45 years. Amanda was basically a very shy person but still followed me to all my academic postings overseas with out any complaints and kept house while I worked endless ours in labs. In retirement it was my turn to give back time to her interests and passions.

Creative, artistic, understated and persistent. Especially patient with our autistic grandson and on the way to showing our 3 year old grand daughter how to sew. I could share any successes, frustrations and failures with her, whether it was fixing a chainsaw, dealing with difficult staff at work, or developing a computer algorithm. She had a passion for wool craft, sewing and quilting, children and adult literature, all animals, especially horses, birds and dogs, cooking, and lately developing our small front garden. I could go on but that shows just some of the many aspects of her life. I consider myself very lucky to have shared the time we had together.

I remember when I first met her. we were both school teachers in a small country town. She had a new puppy and was building a low picket fence to keep it inside an outdoor laundry while she was at work. She had a cute dog and looked pretty handy with a hammer and saw, what could go wrong . . . . .

[rwbuild]

My sincere condolences Bob and your family, it is a shock when it happens, family, friends and your community here are all here whenever your need to talk
Cherish the memories of what you did together

[Fergiz01]

Bob,

There are no words.

Very sorry for your loss.

Zac.

[China]

Sorry to here that Bob my thoughts are with you and your family.

[taz01]

Hi Bob,

My thoughts mirror the others on this forum.
You have my deepest condolences.

Regards,

Adam

Sent from my SM-S901E using Tapatalk

[Mobyturns]

Bob,

You have my deepest condolences. Perhaps its more comforting to know that Amanda passed relatively quickly. Keep busy and call upon you family and friends when needed.

Kind regards
Geoff

[DJ’s Timber]

My Condolences Bob

Treasure your memories with her, as it sounds like you had a great partner.

[BMKal]

Condolences Bob. Always remember the good times you had together.

[cava]

Sorry to hear of your loss Bob. My thoughts are with you at this sad time.

[Fekit]

My condolences for this tragic loss Bob. Much sympathy for you at this time, I can't even begin to imagine.

[johknee]

So sorry to hear of your loss. Condolences to you and your family.

[LanceC]

Good afternoon Bob,

It was always a delight to read your posts which evidenced an enjoyable marriage of many years. I am so sorry for your loss; I can only imagine the sense of emptiness which such a departure must leave. Know however that you have many friends on these forums who will support you however we can.

Kind regards,
Lance

[chambezio]

Bob, I am not surprised your neighbours and family rallied around you at this time of great loss. We all have witnessed your willingness to offer help to anyone with a question and now its our turn to pay back. Most of us may be hours away but the computer puts us as close as your desk. Sing out when you need someone to help

[NCArcher]

Bob, my deepest condolences as well. I'd like to echo the other posters and offer any help or support we could possibly give.

[Hoey]

Sorry for your loss.

[Flintlock]

Sorry to hear of your loss Bob. My condolence to you and your family.

[Jeffen]

Very sorry to hear of your loss Bob, sincere condolences to you and yours.

[Potts]

It is so often times like this that we can be at a loss to know what to say and do that will offer some comfort to the bereaved. My deepest sympathy on the loss of your beloved partner in life, cherish the memories you have built together and see her through your children and grandchildren and the things they say and do which will be constant reminders of her time and influence.

[Simplicity]

Bob,
Words fail us, but our most considerate condolences, to your self an family.
So so sorry for your loss.

Cheers Matt an Sally [emoji3590][emoji3590][emoji3590]

[crowie]

Very sorry to hear Bob, and after 45yrs together I'm sure it'll be hard for a while.

Talk, Laugh, Cry and remember all the good time along with the funny times;

take as much time as you need to deal with the loss;

surrounding yourself with family and friends, spend some time on your own remembering...

Let others help as they are able as they will also be feeling the loss too....

Finally Bob, spend sometime in the shed being creative...

[Nifty Nev]

Bob,
Sorry for your loss. Words are hard, but remember all the good times you had together, they are there forever.

Nifty.

[jmk89]

Oh Bob

Such a shock for you and your family.

I’ll add you to the list of guys I have to think about because of their losses.

Happy to talk if you want

[Uncle Al]

Devastating news Bob. My sincere condolences to you and your family.

Alan...

[Handyjack]

Bob, Sorry and shocked at your sudden loss. At least she passed quickly with little discomfort.
While the forum is vast it is at times like this we all feel close and feel your sadness.

May her memory be a blessing.

[justonething]

Words fail us in times like this
I'm very sorry for your loss, My sincere condolences to you and your family.

[auscab]

Sorry to hear of such sad and sudden news for you and your family Bob.

Rob.

[russ57]

No words but my thoughts and prayer for you and your family.

[derekcohen]

I am so deeply sorry to read this, my friend. My thoughts are with you.

Warmest wishes

Derek

[Mr Brush]

Very sorry to hear this sad news. At times like this, I find the words of another splendid old bugger to be of some comfort,

“No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence.” - Terry Pratchett

Treasure the memories.

[Sir Stinkalot]

It’s sad to be reading this Bob. Take care of yourself.

[Fuzzie]

518729

[Willy Nelson]

Good Morning Bob
I just read your post, my sincerest and deepest apologies.
Hope you are ok and have support from family and friends

Sincerely
Willy
Jarrahland

[Bushmiller]

Bob

What can I say that has not already been said by so many people and probably thought by many times that number. I had no idea your wife had passed until Matt alerted me. While nobody escapes this event, there is never a good time and arguably never a good way, but if it has to happen it should be quick: Not long, drawn out and full of misery and suffering by the individual and all around. This way your memories are good and untainted by a slide.

I remember you telling me of her keen interest in horses and from your earlier post she clearly had many interests: All these things will remain stong in your memories. Time is a healer, but in the meantime be there with your family and cherish her memory.

So sorry.

Regards
Paul

[Boringgeoff]

I'm sorry to hear this, Bob.
Geoff.

[BobL]

Very sorry to hear this sad news. At times like this, I find the words of another splendid old bugger to be of some comfort,

“No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence.” - Terry Pratchett

Treasure the memories.

Thanks for this. The Pratchettism is playing out with the torrent of messages etc from people she touched including many I did not know. Not having any daughters she adopted all her nieces as daughters and treated them as such and I did not realize how much she had done that until now.

[woodhutt]

Sorry to hear of your loss, Bob. It brought home to me just how much I would miss my own dear partner of 52 years.
Your advice to say all those things now that you always mean to say and never get around to it, is something we should all take to heart.
Pete

[Chief Tiff]

My deepest sympathy Bob; I can't comprehend what you're going through at this time.

Forumites are like an extended family and we will all support you in any way we can.

Ian

[NeilS]

I am saddened to hear of your great loss.

You will be in my thoughts over the coming days.

Neil

[BobL]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Organising Amanda's memorial service is partially distracting but also keeps reminding me of “stuff”
Were following Amanda's wishes and having a no-attendance cremation and an informal memorial celebration at the South Perth swan river Foreshore in a couple of weeks time.
My family friends and the neighbours have been supportive -I’ve got dinner invites for a month and a weeks worth of cooked food in the fridge but I wander the house aimless looking at Amanda's arts and crafts, and memorabilia and muttering "why now”? I do have heaps of treasured memories that I just need to keep referring to.

[Pete57]

Sorry for your loss. Great to hear you have the support from family, friends & neighbours

[Tonyz]

Bob, mate, hang in there the road ahead looks pretty dreary at present, the loss of the love of your life must be bloody hard. I dont envy you looking at all her gear/stuff/memories, they can stay for ages, you will know when its time.

[hurcorh]

I never really know what to say in these sort of situations mate. Really sorry to hear Bob.

[powderpost]

My sincere condolences to you Bob, in this moment of grief.

Jim

[EagerBeaver71]

My Condolences to you and your family Bob.

[rustynail]

Sad news Bob. The closer the relationship the greater the pain. All the best as you make your way through this.

[Log Dog]

Sorry to hear of your immense loss Bob
Dreadful news
Wishing you all the best during what is difficult time

Log Dog

[Optimark]

Sorry to hear of your sudden loss, hopefully time will help you.

Mick.

[Treecycle]

Very sorry to hear of your loss Bob. Keep talking with your family and friends and hopefully that will keep your mind occupied, but unfortunately your alone times will be the hard ones when you were so close. Only time will heal.

[mature one]

It's all been said Bob I have only known you from this platform and have liked what I've read ,feeling your loss.

[ubeaut]

Hello Bob

My deepest condolences on the passing of Amanda.

Warm regards - Neil :C

[AlexS]

Very sorry to hear this Bob. There's probably nothing we can say now to ease the pain, but you should know that if there's any time you need to chat to any of us, we're here.

[John Saxton]

My most sincere condolences to you & your family in this time of sorrow Bob.When we lose someone we hold dear ,we are left with memories of heartfelt moments shared in the times we shared together with so much joy in life.That's the glue that binds us in life as well as in death .
R.I.P Amanda

[BobL]

Yesterday was fairly hectic. A dog walk, a trip to the library to drop of Amandas books, then the Op Shop to drop off a bunch of stuff,.
Most of this stuff which was already earmarked by Amanda for disposal but I did fill the boxes up from the overwhelming supply of bric-a-brac (Amanda was a bit of a hoarder) around the hose. Why she had to have more than 2 dozen plastic water bottles is beyond me.
Then a succession of friends visited and about a dozen phone calls. At 7:30pm I was wondering why I had a sore throat and then realized I had been chatting with friends for more than 9 hours. Today is lining up to be a similar one. Every time a bad memory surfaces I try to think of the many good ones - it's sort of working.

[damian]

I am so sorry. <3

[pintek]

My deepest condolences to you and your family Bob.
There are no words for a loss this great.

Our thoughts are with you.

Ben.

[lovetoride]

I only just saw this. I am so, so sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you Bob in this difficult time. She was obviously a wonderful partner and you can cherish the beautiful moments you had together.

Jane

[Wongo]

I am so sorry to hear that Bob.

[fiveeyes]

My sincerest condolences, Bob.

[tonzeyd]

my sincerest condolences Bob.

[Pittwater Pete]

Dear Bob.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this very difficult time. I’m shedding a tear with you now as I remember my loved ones that have left before me.
Time will help you find understanding and happiness once again.

I wish you much peace.

Pete.

[BobL]

Going thru some old photos and found two copies of this one in a poster tube that I was just about to throw out.
I had seen it before but thought it was lost.
This was taken the year before we met.
Amanda was every bit and more as alluring, cheeky, quirky, and enigmatic, and many other things that words simply cannot describe, but are somehow captured by this photo.
I framed the photos and given one to my son.
519171

[verawood]

Bob,

I know how you feel and what your going through.
I remember your kind words when my wife died.
I'm a bit late in responding, but since my wife died things aren't quite the same.
Time seems to pass different, sometimes quicker, sometimes slower.
I haven't checked in here for a while.
My sincerest condolences to you and your family.

Keith
aka verawood

[labr@]

Only just became aware of this Bob, I hope the pain eases soon and leaves you to concentrate on the happy memories.

[ian]

Hi BobL
I log on after 2 or so weeks absence and am greeted with this

Yesterday around lunchtime SWMNLBO suffered an aneurism followed by a heart attack and she passed away at 7:30 pm last night.

She was only 67 and had suffered badly from severe vertigo for the last ~3 years which added to some mental illness issues and she became quite limited in what she was able to do eg could not drive. Over the last 6 months she had got some help with the mental illness and it seemed to be working cause she had just started driving short distances. We even started making some tentative plans but then . . . . .this.

One of the worst things I'm feeling is the regrets of what I never quite got around to telling her. Tell your loved ones those things now.
I don't really know what to say -- apart from offering my very sincere condolences, albeit two weeks after her passing.


treasure the memories of your years together;
don't be shy about imposing somewhat on your kids and other rellies;


but most importantly, don't retreat into your shed and grieve for the rest of your life.



.
.
.

[Wol]

Mate, I am saddened to hear, I wish you all the best on the journey ahead.

regards

[jack620]

Bob,
I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been away from the forum for ages and came back to the sad announcement of your wife’s passing.
It must have been a terrible shock. It sounds like you had a great marriage. Remember the good times and try to keep busy in the workshop.
Chris

[BobL]

Yesterday was Amanda’s celebration of life ceremony.
We gathered at a local park directly across the Swan River from the city of Perth,
I chose this place because every morning we walked our two Border Collies along this section of park - the dogs were also present.

Showers were forecast so we set up 5 3x3m gazebos but it stayed dry and the sun even came out for a while. Just as we finished packing up a light shower came down.

About 180 people turned and about 20 persons sent apologies.
There were a number of extended family members I hadn't seen since the last family funeral about 4 years back and some of Amanda's work colleagues and acquaintances we had not seen for decades.
Six Speakers (a Girlfriend from school, a Girlfriend from Amanda’s bookclub in which she had been a member for 40 years) a niece, our son, Amanda's brother and myself presented many stories and memories. Many loving and caring words were spoken.

4 speakers spoke first and then followed Amanda's choice for her "funeral music" , we thenhad a break for refreshments and a chance for attendees to sign the memory book, look at the photo wall and some of Amanda's craft which were on display, and reminisce.
Then there some reminiscences and a toast with red bubbly (Amanda's favourite tipple) by Amanda's brother .
Then I spoke and also wrapped things up.
Then the attendees had a second chance at refreshments etc - there was loads of food and red bubbly which was taken back to my place.

Despite the sadness it was also a joyous occasion
Amanda would have been highly embarrassed about making such a fuss but we relived some great memories.

Then we had a family lunch (more food supplied by my sisters and SILs) but there was still about 40 people present, and viewed a continuously running Slide Show about Amanda's life.

I was left with more food than I could deal with so I ended up farming most of it out to neighbours with Teenagers. After everyone left that was a dark moment but several people called to check on me. Then late in the day a widower neighbour visited. This morning another neighbour is accompanying me on my dog walk and then having me over for breakfast. Then I'm going with my grandies to check out the ducks at a local lake.

[Mr Brush]

Bob,

That sounds like the best send off anyone could ever hope for, what an amazing turnout. You've done Amanda proud.

[martrix]

Bob, I am so sorry.

[doug3030]

BobL, I don't know how I have missed seeing this until now. I have not been on the forum much lately due to some of my own issues so I belatedly would like to add my condolences as well. I lost my wife 20 years ago and I know it is a lot to go through.

[BobL]

Thanks Fellas, much appreciated.
Things are going as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

Yesterday was putting up the Xmas tree with the grandies which brought a few tears - Amanda loved all that Xmas stuff but I was usually an old grump about it and was lucky to hang a single ornament on any tree she put up.

I have continued to declutter the house and have removed about 40 boxes and bags of stuff but this has barely put a dent in the bric a brac, I've mainly been getting rid of old clothing and Amanda's mothers and grand mothers bric-a-brac. I'm doing this to create a bit of space to put out a few photos of Amanda and her horse riding and craft activities. I've also taken the opportunity to get rid of some of my stuff like the Belgian beer glass collection that I haven't touched for more than 10 years. Taking a much loved partners life apart and finding useful homes for the stuff is a mixture of pain and privilege.

I've sold a few things, like her rock polishing and cutting gear which was just taking uo space in teh shed, but generally I don't need the money so most of the stuff including excess furniture is being donated to Vinnies or Good Sammys. Likewise stuff like the stamp collection can just go to charity. But what does one do with a "Winnie the Pooh" shrine/collecctio0n, or an extensive children's book collection? Once I've removed enough stuff to make things easier to clean and created enough space to set out photos and samples of Amanda's craft I will let things lay for a while.

Still no interest and energy to get out to the shed - I wonder if that will ever come back?

[crowie]

G'Day Bob, The shed is the HAPPY PLACE for most of us blokes so I hope you get out there soon to enjoy the fun of creating with wood. Cheers Peter

[John Saxton]

Thanks Fellas, much appreciated.

Things are going as well as can be expected under the circumstances.



Still no interest and energy to get out to the shed - I wonder if that will ever come back?

Bob,

Perhaps a visit to those mens sheds where you have have had so much input ,a chance to spend some time away from home for a few hours.

[BobL]

Bob,

Perhaps a visit to those mens sheds where you have have had so much input ,a chance to spend some time away from home for a few hours.

Thanks John, I may yet do that.
I'm already spending quite a bit of time away from home - the problem is going back to an empty house - if I didn't have the dogs I don't know what I'd do..
A couple of times a week I visit my son and his family and play with the grandies - they are about 25 minutes away
The dogs get an hour walk by the Swan river every morning
I'm in a once a week walking group with some old school mates that walks 5-7km through interesting parts of Perth/Fremantle and surrounds and stop off for coffee along the path. I really look forward to this.
I go to morning teas/lunches at my sisters places a couple of times a week - that's also where I catch up with my 94 year old demented mum who gets to come out of care for a few hours.
The neighbours are fantastic - invites to breakfast, coffee and have provided loads if food.
Several Ex-work colleagues are always up for brunch/coffee/chat.

The one thing that has really started to gnaw at me in the last few days is memories of multiple missed opportunities. The most common of these were the numerous social events we would go to involving her family/friends that I did not want to attend. I would grumble a bit and go a long but then when we arrived I would ignore Amanda the whole time we were there and talk to other people instead. What I did not realize until much later (like the last few months) that often Amanda did not want to go either but felt obliged to go, but I still blamed her and treated her badly. Gee's I now feel like a total prick. I'm constantly amazed that she put up with me. Mind you, she had her moments.

The cleanup of MILs and Grandmas stuff continues, 4 more boxes are going to Vinnies this morning. Amanda's Jewellery has been left to my granddaughter but I invited the nieces and great nieces over to select from Amandas bags/scarves/and some jewellery but they only took a few things. I guessed that granny type stuff is not really that appealing to teenagers?

[chambezio]

Thanks Bob, for "bearing your soul" to us with your comments. I would imagine it would be very hard for you to tell us some things. You have hi lighted a few things I may have done to my wife at times [I must remedy the situation]

I hope you will have a good Christmas without your "Better Half"

[BobL]

I thought I might feel a bit better after finding out the good news about how how I no longer have Sarcoidosis but it's swamped by SWMNLBO passing.

This weeks grief has been a transition between deep "guilt" (see post #82) and the start of "bargaining", which are apparently stages 3 and 4 (out of 7) in the grieving process.
I didnt know about these stages until I looked it up yesterday


3. GUILT & PAIN

As a person begins to feel the full realization of someone’s death, their numbness leads the way to extreme emotional pain and suffering. Guilt often accompanies this pain. A person may feel survivor’s guilt or a constant sense of “what might have been.” They may feel remorse over missed opportunities or things they did or didn’t do with their loved ones before their passing. It’s important to experience the full depth of pain when going through grief. Masking this stage with alcohol or drugs only makes things worse in the long run.

I did try alcohol but I didn't go any further than a mouthful as it makes me nauseated.


4. BARGAINING

The negotiation phase occurs when a grieving person needs an emotional release from the shock and pain of loss. This phase involves wrestling with fate or “the powers that be” to try and make sense of loss. Of course, there is nothing one can do to bring someone back from the dead.


Next apparently comes "anger", but no signs of it yet.

The hardest thing is going back to the house alone.

Yesterday I decided to venture further into the attic. My god there's so much stuff up there. A number of MILs appliances have been squirreled in amongst old camping gear and baby clothes. A box full of 40 year old cloth nappies (??) The good thing is this stuff will take my mind off dealing with Amanda personal stuff. I know Amanda wanted to dispose of a lot of this old stuff but didnt have the mental strength to deal with it. Well, next week there going to be a shirt of of stuff going onto gum tree.

[BobL]

Yesterday would have been our 44th Wedding anniversary and it was a pretty grim day.. In the past I was not that big on anniversaries or birthdays etc but SWMNLBO was and then seemed to accept there was not a big deal for me so she toned down her expectations. There were several occasions in the mid 1990s where days would go by before we'd remembered we'd clocked up another year. Of course I now feel super guilty about all those missed anniversaries. About a decade ago I did put an anniversary reminder date in my phone calendar so was always able to at least say something and we then usually went out for breakfast on the day.

The day before I posted about the anniversary on the family chat group and emailed Amandas bridesmaids. I got some very supportive/kind responses but in some ways remembering the good times only made it worse. Am choking up even just writing about it here. This anniversary I will now never forget.

To compound matters my left knee is giving me gip and I can't carry any more than a couple of kgs or even walk too far. The dogs only get a 15 minute walk and then I sit on park bench and throw the ball for them for a bit. This has also seriously slowed down the house decluttering. Yesterday I mowed the pocket handkerchief back lawn and then had to spend the rest of the laying down which did help matters much.

I'm coming round to accepting that the house being left so cluttered is more of a good thing than not. Besides giving me something useful to do, it sounds like the OP shops are doing well out of it. The main op shop I take stuff to reckons that so far they've made a couple of hundred bucks out of just the bric-a-brac as being of reasonable quality it's selling like hot cakes. On Friday I took 12 of our 14 camping/folding camping chairs to Good Sammys. They reckon the can get $5 for the cheap ones and $10 for the fancier ones so there's at least a $100 in these for them. I've put a few larger camping things things on Gum tree but nothing much is moving with those and if they don't go by mid jan I'll take then to the op shops as well.

[Pittwater Pete]

Hang in there Bob!
Just keep plodding along and keep a smile on your dial. The sun will shine again.

Pete.

[FenceFurniture]

Oh Bob, what a terrible shock. I've not looked at the forum for a while, until this morning.
My condolences on such a profoundly felt loss.

[havabeer69]

hey bob.

just checking in that you're still going ok

[BobL]

Thanks for asking.

Unfortunately nope, my life has turned to $hyte and had no idea it could get this bad.
I thought I was doing more or less OK up until I found and read my Wife's (Amanda) metal health diary of the 23 Dec
Amanda had PTSD and I can now feel all her stress loading up on me

I am angry as heck with
- the mistreatment of my Amanda's metal health by medical professionals for 46 years
- the way a few members of her family and some of her so called friends treated Amanda
I feel as guilt as heck with myself for not picking much of this up and not doing more about it
I feel I have little purpose for living - I feel like i'm living in a dim twilight, and the lights are about to get even dimmer

Can't do any shed work, read books, or even watch TV for more than a few minutes.
Any music I listened to before Amanda's death is tainted so and am constant seeking out new music to listen to but the lyrics have to be undecipherable otherwise I find meaning that may not even be there.
Household chores are done minimally and on zombie mode.
I forced myself to help my son start to assemble some IKEA stuff this morning and lasted about 20 minutes before breaking down and going home.
I have really wonderful family and friends to talk to and do so often.
Am going to an average of at least one social contact each day sometimes 2 or 3, but am really worried about pissing people off.
While I'm out I'm usually OK but going home just fires me up again
Have approached a grief counsellor but fear its way deeper and darker than that this so have obtained contacts for professional help that I will look into next week.

The only thing keeping me afloat is writing a memoir of Amanda and am up to 66 thousand words. Funny how I can edit this but can't read a book.

[Simplicity]

Bob,
I’m lost for words,
But I’m thinking of you,please keep posting here especially when you think were not interested or over it,
You are Big part of this forum, and time no matter how long it takes will help heal you.

Take Care Matt.

[BobL]

Thanks Matt,

This has all been big eyeopener for me - its like my self identity has been destroyed.
I used to consider my self strong, resilient, driven, confident, creative, innovative etc but these have all turned to water in the last 10 weeks.
A month or so back it took me 9 days to fix a simple power switch on a fan that I had fixed before.
I'd pick up a screwdriver and then put it down again several days in a row before I opened up th switch - then it lay open for several days, couldn't think about what to do
I doubt I would even pick to the screwdriver today.

I cannot even think of starting any sort of project.
My son has asked me to cut up some pieces of wood for him but nothing has come of it yet.
A mate asked me if I had a couple of short pieces of SHS steel but I pretended like I'd had a look and told him nope.

[Simplicity]

Thanks Matt,

This has all been big eyeopener for me - its like my self identity has been destroyed.
I used to consider my self strong, resilient, driven, confident, creative, innovative etc but these have all turned to water in the last 10 weeks.
A month or so back it took me 9 days to fix a simple power switch on a fan that I had fixed before.
I'd pick up a screwdriver and then put it down again several days in a row before I opened up th switch - then it lay open for several days, couldn't think about what to do
I doubt I would even pick to the screwdriver today.

I cannot even think of starting any sort of project.
My son has asked me to cut up some pieces of wood for him but nothing has come of it yet.
A mate asked me if I had a couple of short pieces of SHS steel but I pretended like I'd had a look and told him nope.

Bob,
It may have taken Nine days too fix something you probably would have done in your sleep, but you did do it, time is now not important, but pushing forward every day is, even just posting hear is helping you, we all miss your long threads about those things that really Suck in our workshops[emoji6].

Cheers Matt.

[FenceFurniture]

Have approached a grief counsellor but fear its way deeper and darker than that this so have obtained contacts for professional help that I will look into next week. I wouldn't combine the two different resources at the same time, I don't think. Perhaps start with a few sessions of grief counselling as a good basis and then go into some psychology sessions – and be aware that it can be a long road. Perhaps you may find a professional who does both (so a qualified psychologist who specialises in grief therapy). I wouldn't think a psychiatrist is appropriate, as they treat illness, and usually with a script pad.

I'd also be inclined to stay away from anti-depressants – for me they just distance the problem – I feel detached, but it doesn't go away. My considered opinion of them, having tried ~15 different ones over the years, is that they can help people who have a chemical imbalance (endogenous depression), but are useless for people who have reactive depression (like me).

If you are finding writing about Amanda somewhat therapeutic, then maybe consider writing a family history. My father wrote one of his side, and it's a wonderful resource to have, and I refer to it regularly. A deep dive into where you all came from, pics of Marble Bar etc.

[chambezio]

Bob you are not alone. We may be some distance away, but we are hearing your pain and shouldering the burden. Its a hard road but you will come through this.

[BobL]

Thanks for teh kind comments

RE; Mental Health Meds.
I've seen what these did to my wife - they basically contributed to her death - so won't be going there.

I also won't be going anywhere near my wife's family history as several members contributed significantly to Amanda's mental Health Issues.

One of my brothers and sisters have sort of already written a history of our family, while it's a fascinating story I dont feel there's much more to explore there, well not for me anyway.

I'll just have to hang in there and hope I can ride it out.

This morning I took the dogs for a walk with one of my neighbours and her daughter. We walked down to the Swan river foreshore where the neighbours dad was sitting on a park bench waiting for us with coffees. Then we walked back to the neighbours place and had breakfast. Really nice and empathetic people - so luck to have these people so close to me.

I

[doug3030]

The only thing keeping me afloat is writing a memoir of Amanda and am up to 66 thousand words. Funny how I can edit this but can't read a book.

Bob, writing that memoir may well be the best thing you can do for yourself. Something similar helped me after losing my wife over 20 years ago.

The background to this originated during my Army service. One person in my chain of command took it upon himself to try to destroy my career and make life as difficult as he could for all of my young family. The strain that put on my wife's mental health, I believe, was a major contributor to her untimely death at the age of 43. I felt a deep sense of guilt for not being able to prevent her being dragged into the petty personal vendetta that was being conducted against me and was using my wife and children as pawns in his game. I also felt a lot of guilt for not fully understanding what was happening to her, mainly because I had my hands full dealing with how it was impacting upon me.

A couple of years ago, the Royal Commission into Veterans Suicide commenced and was seeking submissions from serving and former service personnel about treatment they had expereinced that may have led to suicide or suicidal ideation. I wrote up and submitted the whole story of how my family was impacted, including how it linked directly to my wife's untimely death. She did not directly take her own life but suffered a heart attack due to an eating disorder and alcohol abuse syndrom derived from the person in my chain of command abusing his powers and the ongoing affects this had on our lives.

Bob, you merntioned that your wife was suffering PTSD for many years. Mental health is something that was not openly spoken of until very recently and is still largely misunderstood. Don't blame yourself for that. You did as much as you could, I am sure.

The point I am trying to make here is that by sitting down and analysing the series of events over the 12 year period from when this person started abusing my family and the flow on effect up to the passing of my wife, as well as the subsequent ongoing suffering this caused for me and my children allowed me to gain a better understanding of how it all went down and just how it was impossible for me to have made any real difference in the outcome.

Writing that submission to the Royal Commission has allowed me to let go of a lot of guilty feelings that I had been carrying for far too long on behalf of someone else. I hope that you continue writing your memoir of Amanda's life and that it will allow you to focus on how events transpired and give you some release too. A lot of the things you are blaming yourself for would most likely have been beyond your control and not your fault.

[BobL]

Thanks Doug, most enlightening and instructive and very sorry to hear of your circumstances.


Bob, you mentioned that yuour wife was suffering PTSD for many years. Mental health is something that was not openly spoken of until very recently and is still largely misunderstood. Don't blame yourself for that. You did as much as you could, I am sure.

Well, yes and no.
Amanda suffered PTSD from events from her early childhood from what at first seem like almost trivial events, but depending on the person they can all add up. Of course I could do nothing about these at the time they happened but I should have recognised these later when she told me about them rather that dismissing them as unimportant.

Then Amanda suffered from repeated attempts at coercive control and misunderstandings from her family all through our married life up until about the last 10 years when we increasingly distanced ourselves from her family. Early on I did go into bat hard for Amanda against her family but that probably made things worse and I also started to avoid them like the plague (ie like finding excuses not to go to her family events - her family - her problem). Amanda felt like she could not avoid them so dutifully turned up every time they asked. These events all turned out to make things worse and also admit I was being selfish about it the whole time - Just wanted to avoid all the agro - what I did not understand was how serious this would all become later to Amanda's health.

Then Amanda suffered a series of bullying incidents over about 4 years at work which the higher ups did ZERO about - I urged her to leave but she felt like she had to stay to support her staff etc so she braved it out. This was rated by Amanda as her #1 trigger. Again I was selfish - all I wanted was peace and a quite life so let her ride it out but had no idea how serious this was impacting on Amanda. I should have pushed harder for her to leave. All the while Amanda was simply being prescribed heavier and heavier does of meds!

Then came a complex horse rescue event in the middle of a bush fire.

Finally her so called best friends let her down on what again might be seen as something trivial but it was enough to tip her over the edge.
I have to also admit my behaviour at times also caused Amanda some stress so I'm also not squeaky clean on this matter either.


The point I am trying to make here is that by sitting down and analysing the series of events over the 12 year period from when this person started abusing my family and the flow on effect up to the passing of my wife, as well as the subsequent ongoing suffering this caused for me and my children allowed me to gain a better understanding of how it all went down and just how it was impossible for me to have made any real difference in the outcome.
I have basically done this in the memoir.
Fact is I could have done more, much more. Hence MEGA guilt has hit me hard.
Also these stresses are now starting to load up on me.

I have written the memoir (112 pages so far) mainly while I can remember many of the good and not so good things that happened. It's the only thing I seem to have a purpose for at the moment so it brings me some temporary relief while I write it even though it also contains large sections on how badly Amanda was treated during her life.
When I stop writing I just seem to pick up the mood I was n when I started writing.

[BobL]

Just an update.
I am so desperate I've started to do some meditation (I'm not very good at doing it as my mind is a can of mushy worms) and it's helping a bit.
Am also started the process of getting professional help.

[Simplicity]

Just an update.
I am so desperate I've started to do some meditation (I'm not very good at doing it as my mind is a can of mushy worms) and it's helping a bit.
Am also started the process of getting professional help.

That’s fantastic news Bob just stick at it.

Cheers Matt.

[Log Dog]

Thanks for asking.

Unfortunately nope, my life has turned to $hyte and had no idea it could get this bad.
I thought I was doing more or less OK up until I found and read my Wife's (Amanda) metal health diary of the 23 Dec
Amanda had PTSD and I can now feel all her stress loading up on me

I am angry as heck with
- the mistreatment of my Amanda's metal health by medical professionals for 46 years
.I understand Bob
The way mental health is delivered by so-called professionals in this country is pathetic
And the way people in general treat those with ailments like PTSD is equally pathetic
We need to lift our game in terms of how we help those with mental health issues
Society needs to be more compassionate and understanding

Saddened to see your pain Bob
Really hope your rise above your despair and love life again
Take good care

Log Dog :)