SWMBO has departed this mortal coil

[BobL]

Thanks again for all the supportive comments.

Today we moved Amanda's horse (Jeffrey) from the flash Equestrian Stables in Henley Brook to (less flash and expensive) retirement Paddocks in Gidgegannup. Jeffrey is now in a large shaded Paddock with 6 other horses including an old buddy from the Henley bBook Stables who really likes Jeffrey. I met the woman that runs the retirement paddocks side of the property and was really impressed with her horse empathy and I'm sure Amanda would have been fine with her.

Lots of bitter sweet memories including the time and passion Amanda had for Horses flashed through my brain. Amanda and I had previously discussed such as solution for Jeffrey as Amanda was no longer able to ride. Despite this it was another hard thing that had to be done.

[Bushmiller]

Bob

Such memories can be wonderful: They can be painful: Or they can be both. I hope you get to the stage where you can be accepting all of those emotions without troubling you unduly. I think that for many people it is a long path, but it should be the goal. A comparable situation (but not the wife: She is alive and kicking ) has taken me twenty five years. This is mainly because I ignored it rather than dealing with it. I think you have the capacity to do better than me.

You are in my thoughts.

Regards
Paul

[Camelot]

Hi Bob,

Like a few other members I have only just come across this thread and am so very sorry that you lost your Amanda so suddenly, reading through the thread I am sure it makes a number of members think about their own relationships and how we take life for granted with our loved ones.

I trust that you will find a meaning to your live without Amanda being in it, like my mum used to say when someone close died "it's alright for them it's the ones they leave behind"

I guess you need to find some activity that keeps your mind active in a positive way.

Regards

Nigel

[BobL]

After humming and aahing over this I have started the process of getting some professional help.
I have managed to get an appointment with a highly recommend clinical psychologist in about a months time.
Just getting any appointment is very difficult these days as most of them are booked out some 6-8 months ahead.
I spoke to the psych for about 15 minutes on the phone and she seems highly empathetic.
Just getting an appointment brings a small amount of relief.

[BobL]

Bad day today.
Border Collie #2 rolled in a big yellow Poo smearing the whole of her right side from her tail to the tip of her ear.

When I got home from the dog walk Amanda’s horse riding buddy was waiting to tell me that Amanda’s horse was found dead in the retirement herd paddock this morning. He was fine last night when they checked those horses. There was not a mark on him and no marks on the ground to indicate any threshing around so it was probably a heart attack so mercifully quick. I didn't care that much about the horse - just wanted to do the right thing by Amanda, but it re-triggered my Amanda grief which I had been doing failry well at for the past week or so. On a more positive note that's the end of that black hole for money.

Then I went to the GP to set up my Mental Health Plan - a bit of raking over old wounds but necessary.
When I got home there was a set of Psych forms to fit out - also confronting but strongly cathartic.

Then I got a call from the bank to say that Amanda's Deceased estate financial forms that my son (as coexecutor) and I had spent 2.5 hours waiting t the band to get sorted out Monday were not filled out properly and we have to go in and do them AGAIN !!!!

This evening I going with a couple of green thumbed mates to a Bonsai ssication meeting.
Not that I'm interested in Bonsai - I just need to get out of the house for a bit of NOW time.

[pippin88]

Bob, sorry to hear about the extra difficulties to get through.

Keep your head up. Exploring professional help sounds wise.

Thoughts are with you. Best wishes, Nick

[BobL]

Found this really good book on grief called "Its OK that you're not OK" by Megan Devine.
Its by far the best book (by by a LONG way) I've read on grief.
It basically shows why grief is one of the most poorly handled and mismanaged emotion in all societies.
It's for anyone who has experienced grief or is supporting someone that is experiencing grief.
What to write or not write on condolence cards, ie avoid platitudes etc
What to say and not to say to people who have experienced grief.
How to provided comfort and support to people who have experienced grief.

This is the only book so far that has started to shine a few faint flickers of light into the walls of that pitch back dark tunnel that is currently my future,

[Fallen Woodwork]

Glad you found this book Bob.
When I was less than 10yrs old I witnessed a younger sibling die traumatically. This came, as I learnt much later in life, at a time when the brain was still developing and had life long consequences with how I perceived and interacted with the world.
Well meaning people would say things like cheer up, you should do this, you should to that, dont be so glum, dont think like that, the worlds not going to end etc.
Never once did anyone say its okay to feel like you do, never once did anyone say that when their loved one died that they too felt lost or alone, never did any one share their own true experience. One could say in the case of my family that that was in part the legacy of the British stiff upper lip. However, I agree, many cultures just dont know how to grieve or support those to grieve in a healthy way.
I wish that someone had said to me its okay to feel lost, alone, angry, devastated, helpless, and many other untold feelings.
It may have have been helpful if someone said I cant tell you how long this grief will take, where you will end up or why this happened.
One thing that did help after some contemplation was thinking as our lives as a long wave originating deep from within the ocean making way toward the shoreline. When it finally breaks upon the shore the wave may no longer be visible but it is still all around us, just absorbed back into the ocean. In a metaphysical kind of way I am comforted by this - but it does not fill the material holes that are left.
Bob, you have poured your soul for all to see - for this I can only admire your bravery and thank you for your honesty.

[BobL]

Thanks FW

According to the book;
The first step to realize is that grief is not a "problem" to be solved, or "overcome" because it cannot be solved or overcome.
Societies ham fisted attempts to "solve" grief has lead to a lot of mentally screwed up people and I can now see this as the start of my Wife's mental illness issues.

Grief is a totally natural process that needs too be borne/carried by the griefee, and accompanied/supported by supporters.
The best one can hope for is with support and over time the edges of grief can be rounded so that any associated loss becomes more accepted - it is rarely ever totally accepted.
Some people can achieved this in less time than others but unfortunately Society expects everyone to "get over it quickly".

Recently I went for coffee with a couple of people I know and both of them knew Amanda.
When one asked me, how I was, I said "not good", there was a stunned silence.
They then proceeded to talk about everything else but how I felt and Manda was not mentioned.
I know it's uncomfortable and some people can't handle it and I don't want to only talk about Amanda or how I feel all the time anyway
All it did for me was make me feel like "a problem". and further marginalized me, so I came away feeling worse than when I arrived.

Then there are those people like a relative, who is herself a widow. All she could say was, "sorry for your loss but you'll get over it"

This is why I'm not going back to the mens shed for any company.
While there are some terrific chaps at the shed who will know what/how to say supportive stuff, but there are alsobe those with all good intentions that do not, and I'm too fragile to cope with that at the moment.

[doug3030]

What to write or not write on condolence cards, ie avoid platitudes etc
What to say and not to say to people who have experienced grief.

I have not seen that book Bob but I am glad you found it and that it is helping you.

The lines I quoted above reminded me of the well intentioned but cringe-worthy conversations I had with well-meaning people at my wife's funeral and around that time, as well as the equaloloy well intentioned condolence cards. As a society we do indeed deal with death and grieving very poorly.

I hope the book helps you along your own personal journey in your own way.

[Fallen Woodwork]

The first step to realize is that grief is not a "problem" to be solved, or "overcome" because it cannot be solved or overcome. This is good. It would be pretty simple to teach this at school and actually provide some useful life skills.


Recently I went for coffee with a couple of people I know and both of them knew Amanda.
When one asked me, how I was, I said "not good", there was a stunned silence.
They then proceeded to talk about everything else but how I felt and Manda was not mentioned.
I know it's uncomfortable and some people can't handle it and I don't want to only talk about Amanda or how I feel all the time anyway
All it did for me was make me feel like "a problem". and further marginalized me, so I came away feeling worse than when I arrived.
That just sucks. I think you have hit one of the nails on the head; most people dont do uncomfortable at all well.


Then there are those people like a relative, who is herself a widow. All she could say was, "sorry for your loss but you'll get over it" As above and what appears to sound like the same for Dougs experience. I wonder if she received the same sort of words after her loss.


This is why I'm not going back to the mens shed for any company.
While there are some terrific chaps at the shed who will know what/how to say supportive stuff, but there are alsobe those with all good intentions that do not, and I'm too fragile to cope with that at the moment. Good. You dont need some people saying or doing dumb . I wish I was given permission to say NO to doing some things or going some places instead of trying to please others. It would have also been good to be given a knowing nod to be miserable, irritable, angry, upset and even given some space to smash some stuff up when the moment was needed.

[BobL]

Some progress.

Earlier this week I remove 6 pieces of Amanda's mothers furniture from the house.
A much needed regular house cleaner started on Tuesday.
Have been doing a bit more of a clean up in the house, found 4 plastic crates full of "stuff" under one of the beds upstairs, and a couple of drawers in a dressing table that are also full of Amanda's mothers bric-a-brac, that needs sorting

Yesterday I went into the shed and did a bit of a clean up - still a lot to do down there.
Then I used the big belt sander to ease the sides of a small drawer that are jamming in an old writing desk.
Apart from cutting up dog bones with the Bandsaw, thats the first time i've done anything associated with wood since Amanda died.

Still feel like $hyte but can see flickers of light ahead.

[havabeer69]

do you think it will get easier once the great sort through of Amanda's "stuff" is done?

[BobL]

do you think it will get easier once the great sort through of Amanda's "stuff" is done?

I don't know.
It's very easy to get rid of the stuff that comes from Amanda's mums - or stuff Amanda's mum gave us as I can't bear to look at it.
Stuff from Amanda's Grandmother, or that her Dad restored is harder, but if they serve no useful purpose or it overly clutters up the place then its going.
Most of Amanda's personal stuff is is staying in place for the moment as it contains too many memories but eventually at least some of it will need to reluctantly go.
Two things that need proper homes are her children's book, and her Winnie the Pooh, collections.
The book collection contains a number of author signed first edition books. I don't want these going to just a school
Same for the Winnie the Pooh stuff ,these should both go to collectors
The craft stuff I'm in no rush to dispose of as it needs to go to people who will use it and having it around is still comforting so it wont go anywhere unless someone with a real interest pops out of the wood work.

[BobL]

Some developments.

I used the 3D printer for the first time since Amanda died to print a couple of pieces for a differential for a small LEGO RV that my son is dabbling with. This is a really significant move on my part

I stumbled across a note left by Amanda to contact an old dog walking neighbour/friend who said she would like to catch up with me and our dogs. In the past I only ever saw this neighbour at the park but it turns out she lives on the other side of our city block. She is now a trained psychologist working with disabled people and their carers. We had a very soothing 75 minute chat on the phone and it was like having an extreme long free psych consult.

Yesterday I saw a psychologist recommended by Amanda's psychologist for the first time. And as she came recommended I had some expectations that she would be a good one. Turns out we clicked after about 15 minutes and I think she will be helpful. She let me ramble on for about 40 minutes and then she said "what you have told me sounds like a life long love story". I'd never thought of Amanda's and my story like that before.

I found a treasure trove of 643 emails that Amanda sent me between 1995 until she died. We had sent each other emails from about 1992 to 1994 but these are unfortunately lost. Anyway reading these emails triggered many more memories so the memoir is now 143 pages and still going. Many of these were written when I was travelling (often overseas) for work which if they had been telephone calls would be gone, The messages are bitter/sweet. Apart from reading about all the frustrations with her family, the bullying at her workplace, our social calendar etc the best part are all the little endearments Amnada started and finished her emails with - very loving. What they also show was how much I had helped Amanda with a variety of things, from fixing IT issues, to ways of how to deal with her boss, and our recalcitrant son.It turns out I wasn't as bad as I remember. The many times she came to pick me up at the airport in the early hours of the morning really showed how much she missed me are especially precious.

So some progress.

[FenceFurniture]

That's very good progress indeed Bob. :2tsup:

[BobL]

Had my second session with the psych on Monday - not much progress but hey. it's still early days. She asked to read my memoir which will save a lot of time explaining everything.

The past week has seen aa coupe of major grief triggers.

Saturday I went to a nephew's wedding. Got my suit out and found I have lost weight so it was too big so I then got my older (smaller) suit out (last worn about 2005) and found it fits!. Had the suit dry-cleaned, washed and iron a shirt, polished my shoes, found a tie - last worn in 2010? Got through wedding ceremony by meditating with my eyes closed so only saw a few bits and pieces. AT the reception I lasted until the wedding party arrived and then had an overwhelming wave of grief hit me so rather than make a scene I left and went home.

Yesterday, while I was on my way to see a physio about my knees, I stopped off at Amanda's former work place, a private girls school where she was the head librarian for 23 years. Amanda retired from the school under a cloud of stress and bullying at the end of 2015 and had not been back since she left. Whilst cleaning up Amanda's home office I found a couple of Library books from the school and thought I would return them and also take the chance to catch up with some of her former work colleagues, one of which was also a close horse riding buddy of Amanda's. Amanda and I had another close personal connection with the school because it was in the school chapel that we got married some 44 years ago. Whilst walking through the campus to the library I walked past the chapel and front steps down which I remember, clearly like it was yesterday, happily emerging hand in hand as husband and wife 44 years ago. It was really hard to remain calm.

I'm taking a bit of a break for a few days next week and taking the dogs to a friend's farm down south. It is a place where Amanda and I used to visit this farm together just about every year so I 'm not sure how I will go but feel like I have to give it a go.

[Bushmiller]

Bob

We often talk about life being a journey. That road is rarely easy. Yesterday hit a 25 year mile stone for me as our daughter reminded us. It was a distinct uphill section.

My point in mentioning this is there is no quick or easy fix. I like the fact you are out and about. While ever you are participating, I believe that is a good sign in spite of the memories flooding your psyche. You must learn to enjoy these triggers rather than rail against them. Without ever having met Amanda, I would like to think that this is the way she would want you to remember her.

You are in my thoughts as it is clear so many Forum members are also.

Regards
Paul

[BobL]

Staying with some friends on a farm down on the south coast.

Cute rammed earth, ironstone, weatherboard, corrugated iron, and telephone pole/beam house.
523392

My view from the back patio of Mt Franklin in the distance while having morning coffee.
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Farm is right next to a National Park full of smallish Karri trees and lots of nice tracks to walk thru.
523394

Wildlife everywhere, roos, native nice Dugite snakes and Fairy Wrens galore.
At around 4pm every day a flock of about 2 dozen fair wrens descend on the patio looking for food and some of the gamer ones will come right up and land on your lap.
Getting a photo of them standing still is tricky as they dart around so quickly.
I had to take about 20 photos to get these few.
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Even though I have been here many times before with Amanda its been very recuperative.

[chambezio]

Bob, I am glad that you were able to "smell the roses". Your dogs look happy wandering around.
I put out seed for the birds every day. I feel privileged that all sorts come down for us to see.
Hang in there. You are in our thoughts

[BobL]

Thanks Rod,

These birds dont eat seeds but will eat cheese and small pieces of shredded coconut. They also tidy up around the dogs bowls. They are so business like and fun to watch.

[chambezio]

I marvel at them! They are so busy all the time. Willi Wag Tails are similar with their business. The Wrens are the same colour for a lot of their time but the males change to Blue at mating time. Incredible little fellas

[BobL]

On Monday I met up with a couple of women that run Solace Grief WA. Solace is a non-denominational org that runs a number of regular Grief discussion group meetings. I'm not sure if this is for me but I agreed to attend a meeting and try them out. I'm still going to the psych but haven't seen her for a while as I've been away.

The hardest part of being away for those few days down South was coming back. Not just coming back to an empty house but return journeys were when Amanda would want to stop off along the way and buy something. Lots of memories. I also drove past the Shannon River turn off which is where Amand used to take groups of students on week long horrse riding camps deep in the middle of a national park (no mobile contact, no power/running water etc). Amanda loved hard camping so this was right up her ally and would come home dirty, exhausted but very happy. She asked me to come along once but I declined - more regrets. She was even thinking of making this a career change but I didnt want to leave the city and fortunately she then got interested in equestrian stuff etc.

I have finally taken up a new project - a complete kitchen reno which is something Amanda and I had though about pre Covid.
Apart from dismantling and the reinstalling the water extensive purification system under there sink I'm not doing any of it.
523543
I will find it hard enough to decide on stuff and buy the few appliances that I'm changing over.
I still find it hard to go into the shed let alone staying there for too long.

[Tonyz]

Bob, reminising about old times is good for your soul beleive it or not. Keep driving, keep remembering things. Its when we simply bottle it all up thats the difficult part.
and making decisions about changes around home, well done proud of you.

[BobL]

Things are slowly moving in an upward trajectory.
Still very very sad at times but less often to the point of being totally dysfunctional.

No meltdowns for 2 weeks now, although I'm not holding my breath over this.
From time to time I can think positively about Amanda and sometimes even smile when I think of her, or see a photo of her, not that I can look at too many without being affected..

I dragged out the caravan from under the carport and popped the top to get into it because I want to fix it up and then sell it.
Lots of good and a few frustrating memories came out from doing this.
Amanda was the last to use it by herself and there were still some of her clothes in there and she left it uncleaned.
I still can't believe how much stuff she crammed into that thing.

Have now disposed of over 150 boxes/bags of stuff from the house, most to the opshop, but lately increasingly to the recycling centre, tip or given away on Gum tree.
Still dragging stuff out of the attic, two boxes of costumes/dressups, heaps of baby clothes, books, more camping gear, plastic crates full of sewing cloth offcuts, old sporting gear, etc

Been to the psych a few more times - not sure if this is helping or not.
Maybe it is helping, but without me noticing it directly so I'll keep going for a bit longer but I will now space the visits out to fortnightly.
Read a couple more books on Grief - I find these surprisingly helpful.

The Memoir I'm writing is now up to 151 pages but mostly I'm just editing what I have already done.

I've started to watch some TV. I found a series on SBS that I'm finding interesting so I watch an episode a night.

Kitchen reno is progressing slowing - the cabinet maker says they have started the cabinet construction but currently they are on a major country install and won't be back onto my cabinets for another couple of weeks. When the go ahead for the install comes I will do major clean out of the kitchen which is still very cluttered.

Went to an outdoor concert with some friends last night. Amanda would have loved the music a lot ,so a bit nostalgic but also I smiled a few times remembering how Amanda always loved to sing along with gusto but would not always stay in tune.

Still find it hard to work in the shed for more than few minutes - I need a decent project to get me motivated and it needs a decent clean out which is slowly gaining priority. There is still some of Amanda's stuff in there that needs sorting.

Thanks again to everyone who provided ne with so much support.

[FenceFurniture]

Sounding better Bob.


I've started to watch some TV. I found a series on SBS that I'm finding interesting so I watch an episode a night. The Scandinavians make GREAT TV drama, particularly the Danes. Often dark, but always good. We've seen so much that we are now familiar with many of the actors. I would highly recommend "Borgen".

[BobL]

Sounding better Bob.

The Scandinavians make GREAT TV drama, particularly the Danes. Often dark, but always good. We've seen so much that we are now familiar with many of the actors. I would highly recommend "Borgen".

I agree, I also listen to Scandinavian detective Audio Books. I'm currently listening to a series of Icelandic ones by Ragnar Janasonn.
.

[Tonyz]

my gut feeling is that cleaning up, disposing of loved ones gear and possesions has to be the hardest shitiest job ever.
Saying goodby to them must be painful, but moving on their belongings.

My heart goes out to you Bob, glad to see that (slow) progress is being acheived

[BobL]

my gut feeling is that cleaning up, disposing of loved ones gear and possesions has to be the hardest shitiest job ever.
Saying goodby to them must be painful, but moving on their belongings.

My heart goes out to you Bob, glad to see that (slow) progress is being acheived

yes, but I think for me it's necessary to handle everything with my own hands. That way if I miss something I can't blame anyone else. Much of what I have disposed of was not really Amanda's but her mum's and grand has stuff and have no real connection to it. In fact it irritates me that it's still here.

[Mr Brush]

Bob - glad to see you are on an upwards trajectory; like many on these forums I do check in from time to to time to see how you are going. I think that your recent brief break away from the house to stay with a friend, even for a week, did you a lot of good.

Don't rush things, and don't be too hard on yourself.

All the best.

[havabeer69]

well I can say this thread has had an effect on me bob

for better or worse your comment a number of pages back about wishing you hadn't complained or borked at going to events with Amanada as much has kind of echo'd with me for some reason. If my wife wants to do something even though I know its not something i'll particularly enjoy for some reason your words come up in my mind and I just say yes as I know it'll make her happy and it does.

you saying it out loud as a regret has just made me conscious of it I suppose so your definitely still helping people out in the weirdest of ways

[BobL]

well I can say this thread has had an effect on me bob

for better or worse your comment a number of pages back about wishing you hadn't complained or borked at going to events with Amanada as much has kind of echo'd with me for some reason. If my wife wants to do something even though I know its not something i'll particularly enjoy for some reason your words come up in my mind and I just say yes as I know it'll make her happy and it does.

you saying it out loud as a regret has just made me conscious of it I suppose so your definitely still helping people out in the weirdest of ways

Thanks Havebear, Yep, if you care at all about your other half and you've been constantly resistant/grumpy/moaning and complaining etc to your partner
If you die first, you will leave your parrtner with the distinct impression you were a prick
Worse still, if you partner dies first you will end up feeling like a complete terd for a long time.

Regret is a bastard of an emotion to deal with and there is a tendency for the remaining person to over emphasise it.
I listen to a really good and helpful podcast about regret
The first thing to understand is if you have any regrets this is totally normal and a sign that your moral and emotional core are working correctly.
People who have no regrets either didn't love their partner or their brain is not working right.
Next thing is, regrets judged in hindsight with much extra information available can be misleading and you may not be fair on yourself, you have to watch out for this.
Regrets associated with the death of a loved one are difficult to deal with because there's no way to repair them, but at the very least you should not repeat those actions and behaviours that led to these regrets in the future. In other words regrets can help make you a better person.

I finally went to my first Group Grief gathering run by Solace Grief, About a dozen people and a facilitator sitting in a circle for 2 hours talking about "stuff".
The longest time that had passed since their other half had died was 7 years and the shortest was 3 months (I'm at 5 months).
Several people did not speak at all even when invited to do so, while others probably spoke too much.
"Stuff" ranged from talking about Xmas and Birthday events, to how to deal with financial affairs, to cleaning out houses and sheds, and of course how it felt to do these things. There were even a few funny stories told.
I'm not sure how useful this is going to be for me but I will keep going for a few more sessions - these ones are held monthly.
They are likely to be of more benefit for the people who dont have much family or other support
Solace do run other events like weekly coffee gatherings, lunches and picnics etc but i am booked out for social events with people that know Amanda and I find socialising with them very helpful.
What I like about it is, it's up to you to mention anything spiritual other wise the talk is not religious.
It's still early days, but for people who have few people to talk to or feel they need to talk to anonymous people it seems pretty good.

[BobL]

Things have improved a bit more, although there's still many ups and downs.

Over easter I went with my son and family (and my dogs) down south to Busselton where I lived as a kid for 7 years.
I have a sister that lives in Busselton, plus I still know a few other people so I've been a semi-regular visitor to the place over the years.
It was the most nostalgic trip I remember, probably because for the last 40+ years most visits have been there with Amanda so many memories of her even there
Like the picnic table where Amanda and I ate Fish and Chips last year, the B&B we stayed at, the jetty we walked on.
Coming back to an empty house is still hard, plus someone to off load to etc.

Other than the grandies being a bit ratty (I blame the excess chocolate :) ) it was a good break and it's a place we'll probably be going back to again.

I'm still fixing the caravan - It was in the driveway between my Hiace van and the side fence and I had just finished fixing it and then decided to move it closer to the fence so that some visitors could more easily walk down between the vehicle and van to the house. While moving it with 4WD I left the caravan top up and forgot about the street tree so damaged the caravan top. This turned out to have a bIt of a silver lining in that when I went to the Caravan Shop to get the replacement parts I was served by one of the managers and asked him about caravan prices. Turns out I had planned to advertise it for about $5k less than I should.

Still waiting on kitchen reno guys to start the reno, so having a good clean of kitchen stuff. There's loads of doubles plus of everything, still trying to work out how we ended up with 4 lettuce keepers, and most of it is going to op shops.

My Psych visits started out as weekly, then went to two weekly and i'm now going to try monthly.
Thanks again to everyone for their kind comments and posts.

[havabeer69]

you know next month someone is going to turn up with 4 lettuces and you'll be kicking your self.....

[Mr Brush]

Yup - lettuces are just like buses; nothing comes along for ages, then 4 turn up at once.....

[BobL]

The kitchen emptying continues.
There turned out to be 6 lettuce keepers!

The pantry and most of the other cupboards have been invade by mice. Like the rest of the house the panty and cupboards were stuffed to the gunnels and although I did notice some mouse droppings a few weeks ago and caught 4 small mice in panty moth traps, it was not until I started removing stuff that I don't normally use eg baking ingredients, that I saw the extent of the problem. While cleaning I saw a bit fat mouse scurrying away and I found 2 more dead mice near a big hole a Gravox box and they appear to have eaten most of its contents. I also went away a few weeks back and when I came back found a live mouse in the bath.

The mouse poop was piled up to up to 5mm deed and appeared to have been dissolved and then dried and glued itself to the shelves by mouse pee. I had to use BBQ scraper to remove it. Everything near the backs of the shelves is also covered in droppings and mouse pee - that all got chucked out along with some of the products dated as far back as 1995 which is when the kitchen was first installed. Some stuff even looks older as I remember some items being in the old kitchen as far back as 1978!

All of the canned stuff that I will never use, like Sweetened Condensed Milk, canned fruit, and Honey, I boxed up and gave to my Brother who's works as a housing officer for people with social/mental health issues. He manages several hostels and group share houses and often collect up food from various sources and drops it into these places and it's usually gone within a week.

The curious thing is that Amanda did a major pantry cleanup/re-arrangement (so she could stuff more stuff in) about 3 years ago so she would have seen those out of out of products etc - why the hell she did this I'll never know. I''s a bit nostalgic at times but I can now usually smile and shake my head. While Amanda was sometimes high maintenance she was often overly frugal.

I kept wondering - why am cleaning up the mouse poop as the kitchen cupboards are all getting replaced. Well. by disturbing it I appear to have released the smell throughout the house and although my nose is hopeless even I can now really notice the PONG!. Amanda would have smelled a problem a lot sooner and done something about it.

So far I have relocated 20 (50L) plastic tubs of stuff (pantry, plus cookware) to other parts if the house, 5 plastic tubs of stuff have gone to Opshops, 2 tubs of food to the needy. 3 tubs have gone into the bin. I reckon I have a bot a mother 10 tubs to go. Then when it's all over and I go to put it back I will do another cull.

I'm moving the fridge to and setting up a temporary kitchen in the dining room on the dining table. Microwave, electric frypan, kettle, Food processor, and a small Vibieme coffee machine I have borrowed from brother, My Cimbali coffee machine is a fully plumbed unit with an external pump like cafes uses and has to be partially dismantled.

I hope the kitchen dudes can stick to schedule.

[FenceFurniture]

Something that may assist in the temporary kitchen: I recently took delivery of a $115 portable Westinghouse Induction cooktop, which is about A3 size, and 40mm high – it's the duckz nutz! Two reasons I bought it: as a cheap way to find out if I liked Induction cooking (and I do, very much - it's FAST) with a view to having a Big Boy's one in a kitchen, and also so I can use it outside in place of a monster gas burner when I am making vegetable stock for soup making (20 litres at a time).

You can't place them on iron based surfaces, like S/S, because the surface will get hot, but an old chopping board under it sorts that out quicksmart. Your pans need to have an iron content (but you knew that).

Just as a comparison, an induction top boils water in around half the time a 3" gas ring does (from same starting temp, same pan).

[BobL]

Thanks FF.

We've had an induction cooktop in the kitchen for about 7 years so all our cookware has ferrous bases. The Moka pot which I only use occasionally is SS but it's base is too small so it does not trigger the induction sensors but I have a small cast iron frypan which still does, so I heat the Moka pot on top of that.

Induction cooktops are indeed the ducks nuts and I do use ours often especially to cook the dogs food. I really like the hotplates timer functions as I often forget hotplates are still on.

I already have a conventional/portable twin electric hotplate in the shed that I use for Metal Bluing that I can swing in if I need to heat a sauce pan etc.

The kitchen is finally empty except for the microwave, food processor and my coffee machine, all of which I will move at the last moment.
Ended up temporarily relocating 27 (50L) plastic tubs of stuff to other parts if the house, 5 tubs of stuff have gone to Opshops, 3 tubs of food to the needy. 4 tubs have gone into the bin.
Also caught 2 fat mice last night with snap traps.

[BobL]

The last two months have been mainly spent finalising the cleaning out of some more of Amanda's, and all of her mother's and Grandmother's stuff from the house. Over 200 boxes and bags have now gone to Op-shops. The Kitchen is still empty awaiting a the reno. Most of Amanda'a clothes are now gone and even though I have moved some of her craft stuff on, by far most of it is still in the house and I won't be moving on it for some time.

I sold the caravan and the Isuzu 4WD, and the horse float sale is being finalised.
Also sold some blacksmithing stuff I wasn't using.
Gave away the couple of trailer loads of small logs and slabs (remnants of 3 retired wood turners collections, and some) that accumulated on the driveway over the last 15 years, so happy to get my driveway back
I still have my Toyota HiAce van but will sell that once I get my EV.

In the meantime have been researching and looking at EVs and fully anticipated waiting at least several months after placing an order to get what I wanted.
On Tuesday morning I ordered a Tesla Model Y (Performance) and paid a $400 deposit.
Yesterday (Wednesday) morning I was informed that if I could stump up the remaining payment immediately I could pick it up tomorrow (Friday)
Apparently the funds have just cleared so it looks like it's happening.

I am not a petrol head but am really interested in the electronics and software aspects of this beastie.
Anything more to do with this vehicle I will post in the Motor Vehicle forums.

[Bushmiller]

Bob

The cleaning up and sorting out processes indicates to me you are coming to terms with the situation and moving on. That is really good news, not only for you, but for others in similar situations and I feel sure is a source of comfort to those people too. In saying this I am not trying to diminish your loss (oh, whoops, I didn't mean that one), but emphasising the road is not an easy one.

On the EV, I will look forward to seeing how that fares. They have become so controversial with so much misinformation bandied around.

Stay strong!

Regards
Paul

[BobL]

Thanks Paul. i do indeed feel a bit stronger. I've had lots of offers of help with the cleaning up and sorting out process but I felt that doing it all myself was part of my grieving process. Each to their own of course but it really helped me come to terms with my reality. Also I felt that I was the person closest to an understanding of Amanda's things and I would be likely to know of how she would have like them to be disposed. I have thought of the reverse situation. If I had died first my guess is Amanda would not have done much with any of my stuff and would have continued to find the considerable clutter from her mum's and grandma's stuff overwhelming, possibly for years.

My son says the small mercy of hi mother going first is I get to clean up her considerable stuff, which is what I have done. An annoying thing is that unless visitors look into cupboards and knew how stuffed to the gunnels they were previously, they cannot see the removed 200 boxes and bags of stuff and 12 pieces of furniture! In other words, there is also still much to do but I think I have earned a rest and some time to play with the new EV.

[BobL]

Monday was the anniversary of Amanda's passing.
A few days before I'd taken a drive in my EV down south and was staying with friends which was sort of a distraction that helped me get thru it.
I've received loads of recollections and memory phone calls SMS and emails from various friends and family about the the anniversary which have been wonderful.
The good thing is I'm not feeling anywhere near as bad as I thought it might be and am feeling way way better than when I last wrote in this thread.

When I got home from down south I found the Cecil Brunner roses I had planted in a small garden bed into which I had sprinkled Amanda's ashes had just started to bloom.

531903
Some updates:
House decluttering had more or less stopped although council verge pick up in a couple of weeks is going to see a lot of stuff placed on vthe erge.

Kitchen reno is finally completely finished and looks good and works well.

Have hired a "fussy" painter who has already painted 3 rooms inside house and now is going to paint all of the outside as this was last done between 40 and 27 years ago,. As you can imagine there is loads of preparation required which is why I hired him. He's not cheap and overall the painting job looks like it will cost more than the kitchen reno - still it desperately needs to be done.

Have stopped going to group grief counselling but am still seeing the psych but only every 6 weeks or so. Have stopped reading books on grief and writing in my diary but recently have added a couple of Pages to my Amanda Memoirs. Amanda's presence and stuff is everywhere in the house and it makes me happy far more than it makes me sad.

I walk my dogs every day and go for a group walk with friends once a week. I still still spend much of my week socialising with friends and family - everyone wants to go for coffee or come to my place to have coffee. I go to a physio/gym twice a week to do a weight lifting program to deal with my knee issues which has helped me a lot.

Have been on a few longish drives with the EV. Busselton, Mullewa, Bridgetown and will be going down Albany way in a couple of weeks. It's fantastic around town and for long distance driving it's very comfortable and super fun now that I have largely overcome range anxiety. Next year I plan a few longer trips now that fast chargers are being set up in the countryside.

I've sold my HiAce Van as I just wasn't using it and it was starting to rust, so now have a nice clear driveway.
I have a decent size trailer and the EV has a tow bar rated to 1.8T so can still move stuff if I need to.
531904

The one thing I still find hard to do is work in my shed.
It desperately needs a good clean out and I need a decent project to get me in there - although there are loads of unfinished projects in the shed I could tackle.

Thanks everyone for their kind words and support during the last 12 months. They've been very much appreciated.

[FenceFurniture]

That's really great to hear Bob. :2tsup:

[Mr Brush]

Hey Bob - glad to hear you're exploring further with the EV. As long as you don't let it "ruin the weekend" (S. Morrison...) :D

I saw a very creative use of the V2L feature on Atto 3 the other day; car parked up in a paddock, extension lead plugged into car, and not far away a guy running a set of clippers to shear a sheep. We're only limited by our imagination !

[Simplicity]

Great too hear Bob .

Cheers Matt.

[BobL]

A few weeks ago I was interviewed about Amanda's passing and how I have been dealing with my grief, by a counsellor (Mary) from a local major hospital.
Mary helps patients (and families of patients) who undergo difficult diagnoses, treatments and even death.
The people she generally finds hardest to help are men and so she has been interviewing men who are prepared to talk about these things and where appropriate turning them into podcasts so that less communicative men can hear men talking about these issues and how they worked their way through them.

The podcast is now available at Episode 6 Bob Loss (https://www.sitswmary.com/episode-6-bob-loss/)
If you've read this whole thread you will already know most of what is in the podcast but I thought I would put up the link anyway.

[Mr Brush]

A very good listen - thanks for putting up the link Bob.