Anyone had to explain dying pet to little one?

[Shannon]

Hey there woodfolk,

Unfortunately my old pal of a Staffy is getting on in age and is now almost completely blind and deaf. This is not making for a great end to his life - running into doors and windows, falling up and down steps etc.

I think the time will be soon upon me where I will need to make a decision about his quality of life.

There is however a bit of a snag with this (apart from the obvious death in the family snag). We have a lovely 3 year old daughter who has known Link all of her life and has never had to deal with this sort of situation before (nor have we, my wife and I were both at least 5 years her senior before we lost a pet)
I was wondering if anyone out there has had to deal with a similar situation. We would like to be fairly up front about it. My wife was once told that her dog ran away instead of the truth and that is pretty uncool I reckon. But at the same time I think that 3 years of age is a bit too young to completely lose her innocence about death.

Would be pleased to here of anyones stories of how they dealt with this sort of thing when explaining to a young child. What they did, what they now wish they had done etc.

Cheers guys.

Shannon.

[gazaly]

Don't lie to kids, of any age. They are far smarter WRT these things than we give them credit for.

Explain it carefully, in words understandable to your young girl, but truthfully. She'll be sad of course, probably cry, but will understand. So often, the unknown is the scary part.

Just my thoughts, best of luck!

[DavidG]

Explain that death is part of life as best you can.
Hold a ceremony of sorts to give her a form of closure.

Do not lie as it will always come round to bite you.

[Daddles]

Been there, done that. It's ****. :(

She'll know that the dog is sick. She'll also know if the dog isn't happy. It's hard, but be honest, all the way down to 'we took Link to the vet to be put to sleep'. Inevitably, she'll ask if the dog will wake up, so you tell her the dog died. 'Put to sleep' is the only euphamism I'd use and if you can avoid using it, do so, but it's hard to come out and say the vet killed her pet.

Honesty is always the best policy with kids. You do have to moderate the images and language to suit the child and you can't plan it because they won't ask the right questions. Being honest doesn't mean you have to be callous, but be warned, she'll go straight to the core of the discussion, so you'd better be ready (it's okay for Mums and Dads to cry about a lost pet).

Richard

[Driver]

Shannon

You've had a lot of excellent advice here from blokes who have obviously had to handle this situation. I completely endorse what they have told you. My young bloke was three years old and my daughter was six when we had a cat die. The only way was to tell them the truth. Kids are remarkably perceptive. They were upset - of course - but we couldn't find any euphemisms that would lessen the loss of their friend. Both of them are now in their 20s but they still remember their moggy - and their memories are pleasant, not morbid.

A little ceremony will certainly help.

[maglite]

If you get some ideas, let me know.

I hope that your 3 year old has an easier time of it than this 37 year old, i need something to tell myself and the deed hasnt been done yet.

That final trip to the vets is gonna be the longest, slowest drive of my life.

[Shannon]

Thanks all for your thoughts so far,

I agree that honesty is the best policy.

The hitch that we have is that our muttly does not look sick or seem sick to her, he still does most of the things he has always done with her - except now he doesn't come to her when she calls and he is a bit funnier because he runs into things.

We will have a ceremony, and our vet does home visits. His and her last memories will not be at a vet. Still going to be hard though as with all 3 year olds, what she understands today in knowing that Link will not be here tomorrow, probably will not apply tomorrow morning when she wakes up and expects to see him on his bed.
Hopefully this will not have to happen before we can do some premilinary talking with our little one - and maybe he will pick up a bit and adapt to his disabilities - but we shall see......

[johnc]

We have had the home funerals and everything that went with it, like all the other posts kids are very good at adapting to change and the truth is the only way to go. The last was the easiest with the kids older, we all went to the vets, the dog had a good piece of steak for his last meal. The agreement was that no hole was to be dug until we got home, and the remaining mut checked out his pal lying in a blanket while we ran a deepish hole. There is now a rock with the dogs name on it to mark the spot. I really believe death is part of life and we should not shelter them from it, growing up to accept it as a consequence of living is in away reassuring. It's the unknown or the hidden that scares us at any age, and in some ways the honesty and openess of a toddler can be quite amazing, let her have part of the planning process would be my tip.

John

[savage]

G'Day All,

I've always be brought up with mans best friend in my life, and so have my kids, as death is part of life, we where put in a very similar situation, and sat down and had to explain it to 3 kiddies 3,5 and 7. All where of differing veiws, so what I did was to get all of them to close thier eye's, and put thier fingers in thier ears, sounds like fun and they giggled as kids do until they started to move around and bump into things and each other ( they didn't get hurt or anything), but I said to them "imagine this was the way you would have to be for the rest of your life", "not to know if it was night or day", to which the youngest girl No2 child responded, "But Daddy you know I am afraid of the dark", the other 2 nodded in agreement!..The eldest asked my why I had not stopped her bumping into her young brother, and I replied that I had but she couldn't hear the warning (even though I'd said it softly).
Then I said about Kristy, a mixed breed terrier and lovely dog rescued from the pound as an unwanted pup of 7 weeks old, she died at the age of 15yrs, longer than I'd had my own children. I showed them pictures of when she was a puppy and how we'd grown together, and how she had "looked after them" when they where born, and protected us by warning us when someone came to the door or prowlers (we had several) over the years, and how brave she had been. The only difference was we where not faced with a decision to consult the vet, Kristy died one night in bed. We waited for a couple of weeks until we got another pup, as we have always had 2 dogs the other was fretting, so of to the pound and got another. All was happy, but after a few hours of puppy play, puddles and choosing a name, my eldest turned to me and said "Daddy I miss Kristy", and I said "Don't worry darling we all miss her and you'll always remember her".
To this day we often talk about her and writing this it brings a lump to my throat. Anyway, that's my story, later passing's have been easier but no lesser affection showed, hope it helps in a difficult time for your little one.
savage(Eric):(
Lay down girl, good girl!

[Farm boy]

hi shannon

my 4 year old girl lost her guinea pig from old age
we told her that gods angels came down and took mr piggys spirit to heaven
and you dont need your old body as god will give you a new one
she then helped me bury her old guinea pig in the back yard and says a special mention to him when we say grace at night
she still talks about mr piggy but is happy that he is in a nice place
hope this helps
greg

[Zed]

what they said upstairs, include a new pet at the same time to soften the impact... nothing like a new puppy in the family...!

god I miss my dog - i've been petless for 5 yrs now (except the wild birds) and I miss having a dog around to tease...

[Waldo]

G'day Shannon,

Loosing a dog for anyone in the family is like loosing part of your family. Like gazaly said, your kid deserves to know the truth in simple terms, it'll tear you all up and not just your 3 year old daughter so be honest.

[clubbyr8]

Hi Shannon,

I lost my 10 year old male Golden Retriever two years ago and because he had been a major part of my life for so long I decided to utilise the services of "Pets at Peace". I now have an urn with his name on it and a lot of reminders of what a magnificent companion he was. My kids are all grown up and his life and death have has a profound effect on them. He is greatly missed.

My female Golden Retriever has just turned 10 and she is starting to suffer with her hips. So I guess I'll have to make a decision on her (one I am dreading).

Regards

Bob

[TassieKiwi]

Sometimes you can't predict wee kids' reaction with adult values - a young relative recently took her life. Their family home is on the way to town, and the following day Max (6) could see heaps of cars outside, and asked what they were all doing there. When I told him that lots of friends were there to look after her parents because they were very sad, he replied "Still sad? gee, that was a whole day ago dad!"
Amazing. I think that there must be an inbuilt protective defence system in the young children. To them only now matters. Yesterday is gone, and who cares about tomorow? (Unless Santa is coming)

[Cliff Rogers]

Little kids take it heaps better than you think they will. :)

It'll burr you up more & for longer than it will them. ;)

[dereg]

what a great bunch of people who belong to this forum!
With all the trouble in the world it is heartening to see so many respond to the day to day challenges we have. Well done to all of you for caring!
regards
Dereg

[Eastie]

A family friend had always told their grandchildren the dead (animals) had gone to Geelong - the home of God and Budah :cool: (go the Cats)

It was a sad day when they were told grandpa had gone to Geelong to pick up a bull :D

[Markw]

Go to this site then read this to your daughter. She'll understand.

Rainbow bridge (http://www.dogsites.com.au/internet_library/the_rainbow_bridge_story.html)

[TassieKiwi]

Jeez Mark, that's laying on the sugar a bit thick! Won't you then have to explain that she has to die to see the dog again?

[Bluegum]

Hi Shanon,

Sorry to hear about your old mate. I remember as a 17 year old having the vet come to our home give my best friend his needle to stop his pain. It was probably the hardest day I had for a long time as dad had to cover him over. I had only seen my dad cry a couple of times and he did that day. It was the hardest decision that was made in our home for quite a while.

I've grown up up now and have had 2 dogs since then. I had to give my other away after a break down in marital proceedings. He was a Staffie Kelpie cross who I was unable to take with me. Since being re-married we have a new additon to our family in the form of a border collie. He would have to be the most intelligent dog I have ever seen and he loves us unconditionally. Still though there are days when I go back to my childhood and remember the great days with my first old mate in the yard at home with the other two dogs that have been part of my life.

[bennylaird]

Finally managed to read this tread through. My Mate Boris, a boxer cross, suddenly developed a condition wher he could only walk with his head twisted sideways and almost upside down. Spent ages at the vets trying to find out what the problem was but never really knew. Suspect a cancer. Didn't want to admit it but while he was still there to look up and smile and try to follow me everywhere his body wouldn't let him.

The decision to put him to rest is probably the worst I have ever had to make. His last day was spend spoiling him in every way, so chocolate is bad for dogs, who cares he loved it. The Vets at Hoppers Crossing were just wonderful, came out and we all where there. I held him as the injection flowed and felt him just drift away. Carried him to the vets car but that wasn't him he was still with us in our hearts.

To this day I cant watch the video of that last day, the first part as no way would we have videoed the last part.

[Markw]

Jeez Mark, that's laying on the sugar a bit thick! Won't you then have to explain that she has to die to see the dog again?

Isn't that all part of the explanation of "we are all here for a short time and dogs are shorter than people".

[Shannon]

Thankyou all again for your help,

we are just about to start the process of explaining that Link is getting old to our little one, and what happens when we all get old. We will do this to soften the blow a bit when it comes time. There have been a lot of great posts to help us through it - much appreciated.
I tend to agree though that kids are pretty resilient, I reckon she will be the one consoling me if I'm not careful.

[Driver]

I reckon she will be the one consoling me if I'm not careful.

Nothing wrong with that, mate! :) Little girls are generally very protective of their dads.

[Shannon]

Well folks,

Unfortunately last Wednesday the day came where we had to say goodbye to our mate Link.
He was going to be 12 just after Chrissy, but his body just wasn't keeping up its end of the bargain, so we had to make a very hard decision to help him out. Vet came out and they were great, all happened quickly and quietly.

I tell you though, covering him up and having to put him in the ground was pretty damn hard.
Our daughter Trinity has coped quite well. We had been pepping her for a while. Being 3 she accepts a lot more things at face value than we as adults do. She accepted that link was old, he couldn't see or hear, and that he died. Accepted the fact that he has gone to be with God upon asking where he went etc etc. She still asks every now and then (he was a house dog so she was used to seeing him all the time), but we just truthfully reexplain with no fuss and she is fine so far.
I'll have some of that if its being dished out - I still think I can hear him at times!!

Cheers to a great companion for all of my family including my parents who had him in there lives whilst I was still at home. He will be greatly missed.

Here is a brief history of my mate.
Cheers.

[savage]

Good on ya' Shannon, It's a hard desicion to make, but you will feel better in time knowing that you did the right thing, at the right time, and where not selfish in that you could not bring yourself to part with him at the cost of his comfort and quality of life.
savage(Eric):(
Better days ahead!:o :)

[Termite]

Well I've put off reading this thread up till a few minutes ago, because I didn't have the guts to.
Shannon, I'm right there with you even though it's been six years for me. My wife just came in and asked me if I was ok, I think you know why.
There's nothing I can say to help you except that I do know how you feel.

[Shannon]

G'day,

Thanks for your thoughts,

I guess this is the price we pay by owning pets and thus for the most part outliving our loved ones.

But as corny as the quote is - here goes. "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all"
As hard as it was, and is, and probably will be for a while, I (and he I am sure) would never have missed it.

Owning a dog is the next best thing to a child - and at least with a dog you can lock them out if they annoy you :D Our 3 year old daughter is lucky she is not a dog at the moment I tell you :D :D

Cop you later.

[Gra]

Sorry to revive an old thread, but I am just going through the same thing. Just got back form the vet one dog short. Had to put down my German Shepard. We rescued her 13 years ago as an underfed and maltreated puppy. She was named pavlov, as when we got home my wife put a cup of tea in the microwave, and when it went ping, pavlov came running from three rooms away and looked at the microwave looking for food. At this point, my wife and I looked at each other and said she has to be called pavlov.

been with us since we moved into our first house. Going to miss my big girl. Now all I have to do is explain it to my 3 year old daughter, and stop myself and my wife from crying.

I know we did the correct thing, but it still doesnt help at the moment..

Ok I have finished, im going to get drunk now...

[savage]

Gra, sorry to hear about your loss of a great friend and mate, I guess it is the down side of pet ownership, I have lost a few great dogs over the years and as heart breaking as it is I still go and get another. I think the sadness at the end, the fun before makes it worth it many fold, like kids they are a joy to have in your life.

Don't forget, you did say you have 2 dogs, the other will fret about loosing it companion. If unsure speak to your vet and he will help you as to when would be the right time to introduce another friend for the both of you.

Heads up mate, it will be hard but tell your little one the truth, she got sick and is in heaven with the other puppies. My Dad told me my second dog ran away and everywhere we went I looked for him, once they told me that they couldn't change the story. I was many years later they told me the truth, even then I was a little confused as to why the didn't tell me the truth?....

[Groggy]

It's darn hard to lose your mates. She would have been grateful to have spent the last 13 years under your feet after having been neglected early on. She's been a lucky dog for most of her life. Especially to have someone help her during the difficult stage at the end.

[Doughboy]

Firstly sorry for your loss. Go with the truth. Puppy is up in heaven and even let the little one say goodnight to her at bed time.

We let our son say goodnight to his greatnanna and greatpapa every night, he is understands that he won't see them again but that they are still a part of his life. Does make it much easier on him.

Besides I was five when my pet goldfish (fluffy) died and my parents told me that he ran away...... I am still cranky they did not tell me the truth but as parents we can only do what we think is the best thing for the young'ns.

Pete

[Waldo]

G'day Gra,

Very sorry to hear of the loss of a family member. You gave Pavlov the love she deserved and in return she gave you the loyalty and love that dogs give to their friends and family.

I deeply feel for you and your family as all those who have had the privilge to have a dog in their family know and understand how you feel.

:(

[woodsprite]

Oh hell Shannon, this is one of the hard things for parents and kids. Had to have my 14 y.o. short haired pointer put down about 5 years ago. My kids knew she was sick, I knew she was sick, and none of us wanted to see her go. That decision - to end her life - was the most difficult I have ever had to make, believe me.
As a family we agreed one evening that it was time for her to go, for her sufferning to end. I dug a grave for her, we called the vet. We all sat around her, stroking her, he gave her the injection, and she truly did just close her eyes and slip away. We buried her, and shed many tears for many days, and I still shed a tear for her.

My kids were aged 3 to 12 when this happened, and we had to be honest and explain what we thought should happen, and why. I really think you have to do this too, but hell, it is so hard for kids and adults. I think discussing it then doing it should happen without delay once the decision has been made.
My thoughts are with you, and from all the posts here, there are many other people who have lost their best friend, who are also thinking of you.

[bennylaird]

Can't help ya Gra, just one of those things we have to struggle through. Leaves a hollow spot for years. I still can't watch the video we took of my last mates last day. Over reacted and have 4 now, so enjoying the good times with them.

Think you should get that lathe going to take your mind off things, make some nice stuff for the daughter?

[Shannon]

Hey there Gra,

Sorry to here of your news. It is and will be hard for a while. Just seeing the thread again reminded me just how hard!

A good news story for you in this not so bright time. Trinity my daughter who had turned 3 about 2 months before we had to let Link go was told the truth about Link getting old and that he had died and was in Heaven. She responded wonderfully, asked about him the next day as he wasn't in his usual position in the dining room, but re explained and she seemed OK.

We have a photo album dedicated to our mate and it gets looked at quite regularly by her (and us) and she still talks of him regularly, but knows he is in heaven and that she won't see him again in this lifetime.

We did not however show her that he is buried in the front garden as this could be quite confusing.

We let her talk about Link whenever, even if it was to remind her of the truth and reafirm that this was a lifecycle (as much as you can to a 3 year old.) We found it comforting and healing that things could be talked about openly and honestly and that sometimes a 3yo perspective is far better than an adults.

Good luck, and I hope your road ahead for your daughter and you guys is OK