Mens Rules

[keith53]

SWMBO found this somewhere & sent it to me. Good for a bit of a chuckle...:)

Keith



We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

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These are our rules:<O:p</O:p

•Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!<O:p</O:p

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1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that<O:p</O:p

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1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

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1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be<O:p</O:p

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1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.<O:p</O:p

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1. Crying is blackmail.<O:p</O:p

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1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:<O:p</O:p

• Subtle hints do not work!<O:p</O:p

• Strong hints do not work!<O:p</O:p

• Obvious hints do not work!<O:p</O:p

• JUST SAY IT!<O:p</O:p

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1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question<O:p</O:p

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1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for<O:p</O:p

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1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor<O:p</O:p

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1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days<O:p</O:p

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1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us<O:p</O:p

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1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one<O:p</O:p

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1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done<O:p</O:p

• Not both<O:p</O:p

• If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself<O:p</O:p

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1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials<O:p</O:p

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1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we<O:p</O:p

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1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.<O:p</O:p

• Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.<O:p</O:p

• We have no idea what mauve is.<O:p</O:p

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1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.<O:p</O:p

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1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle<O:p</O:p

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1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear<O:p</O:p

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1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really<O:p</O:p

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1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:<O:p</O:p

– Sex,<O:p</O:p

– Sport, or<O:p</O:p

– Cars<O:p</O:p

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1. You have enough clothes<O:p</O:p

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1. You have too many shoes<O:p</O:p

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1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.<O:p</O:p

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1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.<O:p</O:p

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[journeyman Mick]

Highly accurate (and very funny :D :D ) however there's one major mistake - the title. "Rules" generally refer to requirements that need to be met, this looks more like a wish list (or wishful thinking :rolleyes: ) to me.

Mick

[echnidna]

Nevertheless They have been accredited by a female

[flea1607]

ROFLMAFTSCOMN




To me it is more of a wish list than a set of rules that the finer sex is surpose to follow.

[JDarvall]

Good stuff. Clever and spot on.

Makes me feel that I'm definetly not alone. All men, afterall, go through it.

[Daddles]

Sorry. They don't work for me. The only female in my life is 4, and these rules don't even come close to addressing the issues of having a spirited, energetic four year old around. :rolleyes:

Richard

[zenwood]

Sorry. They don't work for me. The only female in my life is 4, and these rules don't even come close to addressing the issues of having a spirited, energetic four year old around. :rolleyes:

Richard Bet they would've been useful 5 years ago!:D

[Daddles]

Bet they would've been useful 5 years ago!:D

No, coz she's 4 1/2 and 5 years ago, she was already on her way :D :D

Richard

[Kev Y.]

Daddles, you may as well keep them as a reference.. who knows, you may be unfortunate enough to attract one older than 4 1/2 one day :D .

[Daddles]

Eh, is he allowed to make threats like that on the forum? :D

Blonde
gorgeous
forties
own table saw
can sharpen planes

actually, I'll settle for any combination of the last three :D

Then there's always the theory that I've built the tender, she can provide the 30' yacht :D

And until that comes to pass, I guess I'll just have to keep watching Funniest Home Videos and lusting after Toni :p

Richard
the flu's getting better - must be the scotch

[doug the slug]

I've built the tender, she can provide the 30' yacht
Hold out for a 40 foot catamaran

[Tikki]

Huh! Well you guys constantly break your own rules! Now just take a closer look at rule number 1 .... :p :p ;)

Cheers
Tikki :)

[Christopha]

Tikki, petal, I loves ya BUT you may have have bitten off more than even you can chew here.......

[zenwood]

Blonde
gorgeous
forties
own table saw
can sharpen planes
Nah: don't want 'er in the shed. Stop at item 2.:D

And even if it's not the flu getting better, keep taking the scotch, you'll die happy.

[Auld Bassoon]

Huh! Well you guys constantly break your own rules! Now just take a closer look at rule number 1 .... :p :p ;)

Cheers
Tikki :)
Yeah Tikki,

BUT: refer to rule # 1 (they're all #1 after all)http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

One is good! More than one "1" is even betterhttp://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gifhttp://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

Cheers!

[Tikki]

Christopha, Steve .... tell me there's not one part of that rule you'd like to rewrite! ;)

[Auld Bassoon]

Christopha, Steve .... tell me there's not one part of that rule you'd like to rewrite! ;)\]
If "you" (she who would like to be listened to, occasionally), just smile that certain way, then all rules are overridden.

For now!

Else, refer to rule #1http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

Nah! Ever so slightly more seriously, it's all about equal meaures of give and take, and if caring equates to giving more than taking, then I'm comfortable with that.

Salut!

[Tikki]

\]
If "you" (she who would like to be listened to, occasionally), just smile that certain way, then all rules are overridden.

For now!

Else, refer to rule #1http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

Nah! Ever so slightly more seriously, it's all about equal meaures of give and take, and if caring equates to giving more than taking, then I'm comfortable with that.

Phew!!! Thought I was gunna have to draw pictures!! :p ;)

Cheers
Tikki ;)

[echnidna]

Phew!!! Thought I was gunna have to draw pictures!! :p ;)

Cheers
Tikki ;)

You do need to draw pictures so the rest of us unnerstand. :D

[flea1607]

Roflmao

[Christopha]

Yeah..... Riiiiiiiight!

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray that he's gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll love my mind,
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

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MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bloody nice boat.

This doesn't rhyme, and I don't care.

Amen

[Tikki]

:D :D :D :D :D Christopha, you know me waaaay too well!!! :D

[Daddles]

:D :D :D :D :D Christopha, you know me waaaay too well!!! :D

Tikki, you are not deaf, you aren't mute, you are sensibly proportioned and you've never mentioned the liquor store or the boat despite opportunities and ... well, I don't know that I can comment on the other requirement :D

Richard

[custos]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

[Art]

For the mathematically minded:

To get a woman you need to spend time and money

Thus:

Woman = Time x Money

We all have heard the old adage "Time is money"

i.e:

Time = Money

Therefore

Woman = Money x Money

We have also heard that "Money is the root of all evil"

i.e:

You'll have to open the small jpg attachment (sorry I couldn't get some of the symbols to appear here).

[doug the slug]

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, why does it seem that most marriage-like relationships on this board appear to be, well, for want of a better word, competitions! All these men not wanting to commit to anything without SWMBO's consent, and i bet SWMBO is spending sh!tloads every week without asking their partner. Am i unique in being able to make my own financial decisions as a male in a relationship? if so whats wrong with the rest of you men?

[JDarvall]

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, why does it seem that most marriage-like relationships on this board appear to be, well, for want of a better word, competitions! All these men not wanting to commit to anything without SWMBO's consent, and i bet SWMBO is spending sh!tloads every week without asking their partner. Am i unique in being able to make my own financial decisions as a male in a relationship? if so whats wrong with the rest of you men?

yeh right !!! .....says the bloke with a lovely pair of breasts besides his name. :D :D

I don't know about everyone else, but not wanting to commit without SWMBO's consent, is something I do out of self preservation.

Simply, if I do things 'my way' everytime, I get an ear full, which means an arguement, which means stress, which chain reacts into all sorts of negitive things like.....kids overhearing an arguement, olcers, time wasted, no sex(sorry, I mean't 'making love') for at least a fortnight .........etc.

Why go through all that when all I have to do is discuss the situation reluctantly with SWMBO, resisting the ever building frustrations that come with expecting a negitive reaction to my idea. Preparing myself to say 'yes dear' in as cheerful voice as possible even before she properly finishes her opposing point. ie. WIPPED .........

I mean, which is the best of these two evils ???????? They've got us screwed fellas. Really .

I don't know how the hell I could continue without sex... I mean, ruuting, I mean, bumping uglys, I mean 'making love' ...!!!! :p

[fxst]

and if a washing machine had a fa**y women would have a bounty on their heads :D
Pete (checking behind himself)

[Iain]

I have heard the reference 'furry magnet' but I don't know what it means :rolleyes: