Why Computer Techs can go bald

[John Saxton]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
*************************

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

*************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.

*************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..

*************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

*************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

*************************
This one and the next are our personal favorites!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

[Glenn.Visca]

A long time ago, before the age of the pc, the help desk I was working at got a call from a customer about a faulty printer.

See, the screen image he was trying print had words blinking or flashing (say ... To highlight low stock levels).

BUT, to his dismay, when he printed that screen, the printed output didn't have those same fields flashing.

He was rather upset....

[KBs PensNmore]

How do you know if a blonde has been at the computer?????
Correction fluid all over the screen.

[Glenn.Visca]

Or .. you find the screen on the photocopier because she wanted a print out.

[ian]

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
CS: "What sort of trouble?"
C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
CS: "Went away?"
C: "They disappeared."
CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
C: "Nothing."
CS: "Nothing?"
C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C: "How do I tell?"
CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
C: "What's a sea-prompt?"
CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
C: "What's a monitor?"
CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
C: "I don't know."
CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
C: "Yes, I think so."
CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
C: ".......Yes, it is."
CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
C: "No."
CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
C: ".......Okay, here it is."
CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
C: "No."
CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
CS: "Dark?"
C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."
C: "I can't."
CS: "No? Why not?"
C: "Because there's a power outage."
CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
C: "Really? Is it that bad?"
CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[bsrlee]

Caller: Help, the printer does not work.
Support: Find the 'Oh En slant Oh Eff Eff' switch.
Caller: Found it.
Support: OK, put it in the 'Oh En' position.
Caller: It works, thanks.

[Fuzzie]

Printers. :ranting2::club::saddest::banghead::upset::crash::censored2::gaah:

:cry4:

[rrich]

Years ago, I was working for TRW Credit Data, now Experian.

We had used a Digital PDP-11/34 to emulate a IBM 2848 or IATA Communications Controller or CC. These CC were to be installed in the field offices around the country. We tested the CC at one of the local offices.

We had extreme difficulties getting the local non technical people to re-boot these systems. The computer required that the operator would press and hold the "Control" key while pressing any of the system action keys.

The re-boot sequence was Control Halt, Control Boot. The big problem was that the Control key had to be released between each of the other keys. After observing personnel trying to re-boot the system the instructions were written.
Press and hold Control, press Halt
Clap your hands
Press and hold Control, press Boot

[Ian Smith]

Looong time ago ....back in the dreamtime, when there was only one Telco and the only computers were mainframes, I was working for said Telco. Disk storage space was expensive, in short supply, and had to be applied for, and approved, at fairly high administration levels.
Well, the system I was involved with was running out of disk storage space, and so I asked our Admin Officer to sort it out.
A couple of weeks later my system ground to a halt because it had run out of ..wait for it ..disk storage space
The following conversation took place between myself and the Admin Officer.
Me: “Jack, remember when I said to you I needed more storage space and you said you’d see to it?”
Jack: “Yes, and you’ve got it.”
Me: “Ah, no I haven’t, and I can’t run the latest updates.”
Jack: “Well, what do you call that then?” says Jack, pointing to the shiny new vertical suspension files trolley which had recently arrived, somewhat surprisingly, since I hadn’t asked for it, or so I thought.
It was only then that the importance of the word “disk” in a conversation with a youthfully challenged and computer illiterate person became obvious.

[Handyjack]

I am happy to reboot a computer but I only have a size 9 and they sometimes need a size 10. :oo:

Before any job gets action we require a job ticket be submitted into the computer system so it can be acted on.
When my office administrator rang to say her computer was not working - I gave her the standard reply: please put in a job request and we will look into it and reset the power. :p This is a problem - computer not working due to no power, unable to put in request to have power restored. :D Depending on how much you like or dislike the person as to how soon you reset the power. :rolleyes:

[code4pay]

Years ago, I was working for TRW Credit Data, now Experian.

We had used a Digital PDP-11/34 to emulate a IBM 2848 or IATA Communications Controller or CC. These CC were to be installed in the field offices around the country. We tested the CC at one of the local offices.

We had extreme difficulties getting the local non technical people to re-boot these systems. The computer required that the operator would press and hold the "Control" key while pressing any of the system action keys.

The re-boot sequence was Control Halt, Control Boot. The big problem was that the Control key had to be released between each of the other keys. After observing personnel trying to re-boot the system the instructions were written.
Press and hold Control, press Halt
Clap your hands
Press and hold Control, press Boot
That was clever.