English Manglage

[silentC]

When are people going to get it right? It's would have, should have, could have; not would of, should of, could of. Do you say to your kids at night: "Of you cleaned your teeth before bed"?

"Do you have any bananas?"
"No, I do not have any bananas."
"You should have bought some."
"I could have, at least I would have, but they didn't have any."

See, it's not hard really.

:rolleyes:

Have a nice weekend. ;)

[knucklehead]

But I don't want any bananas.............. would of been different if they were apples though.

[silentC]

You could of brought your own. :p

[echnidna]

yes, we have no bananas

[silentC]

Whenever I hear that it conjures up the image of Max Gillies in 1986 as John Howard (then leader of the opposition) singing it to Paul Keating (then treasurer).

[Gumby]

These days it's more like:

"Do you have any bananas ?"
"No, I do not have any bananas."
"Why the ****** not you a*hole! I need 'em for my frickin lunch you mother %&(*%$^% prick !"

[silentC]

So you've been to lunch with Zed then? :D

[Driver]

When are people going to get it right? It's would have, should have, could have; not would of, should of, could of. Do you say to your kids at night: "Of you cleaned your teeth before bed"?

"Do you have any bananas?"
"No, I do not have any bananas."
"You should have bought some."
"I could have, at least I would have, but they didn't have any."

See, it's not hard really.

:rolleyes:

Have a nice weekend. ;)

The answer to your first question is: Not any time soon.

I can well remember my primary school teachers correcting kids that got this one wrong - a very long time ago (and yes - I am still allowed to drive - and quite probably faster than you, kiddo!)

Mind you, they also used to spend a fair bit of time trying to get the same kids to say "chimney" instead of "chimbley"

[Auld Bassoon]

G'day all,

This is 'sorta-kinda' related, so it doesn't really qualify as a hijack http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

One of my pet hates (and I have a few http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon4.gif) is the degree to which apparently quite well educated people fall into using malapropisms; examples being "were" instead of "where", "there" instead of "their", and so on.

Reading documents and, especially!, e-mails filled with sort of verbal MDF really does annoyhttp://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon8.gif (Perhaps I'm doing MDF an injustice here; that really does have some uses)

Cheers!

[Driver]

On a slightly hi-jacked track, I have a long-standing dislike of "management-speak".

I first noticed this very peculiar phenomenon when I was about 23 or so. Back then, the key in-vogue phrases were:

"This is it" (where previously "That's it" had been good enough) and
"At the end of the day" (superceding the perfectly adequate "In the end")

My current pet hate is "Going forward ..." as a substitute for "From now on ..."

The thing is (sorry - I should say: "Issue is...") if you are a thrusting young potential corporate high-flyer (read: ambitious but essentially stereotyped f@rt) you can't use normal language. You must use management speak in your bid to emulate the senior execs whom you hope one day to succeed in their positions of authority. Or at least that's the conventional view ("observed wisdom ..." is the phrase).

In fact ("Reality is...") you can make just as much and maybe more progress if you just speak in plain English and don't waste your time trying to learn all the bloody buzz words.

[Daddles]

Col, it's no wonder you stuggle with managementese. You completely miss the point. If managers used normal language, we would understand them and hence realise just how little they really do know about their job, whereas at the moment, we just suspect it. :D

Dilbert Rules.

Richard
insert joke here that I was planning to include but can't remember it. No, I am NOT having a senior moment ... I hope :eek:

[DanP]

Have a bloke at work who says, "G'day how are we?" Or "Hello, how are we today/tonight?" Drives me nuts. Feel like saying, "I'm all right, don't know about you though"

Dan

[custos]

One of my pet hates (and I have a few http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon4.gif) is the degree to which apparently quite well educated people fall into using malapropisms; examples being "were" instead of "where", "there" instead of "their", and so on.I could not agree more. I despair that "you're" is being lost from our written language. Everywhere you look these days people use "your" in each instance. My enjoyment of reading Neil's great book on finishing was somewhat spoiled by the forum-style discussion at the end, which was full of such crud... "three coats of varnish and your done" arrrrgh.

Just pencil me in as a grumpy old spelling nazi.

[Driver]

Col, it's no wonder you stuggle with managementese. You completely miss the point. If managers used normal language, we would understand them and hence realise just how little they really do know about their job, whereas at the moment, we just suspect it. :D


Just to be entirely serious for a moment (yerss, I know ... and yerss, this really is me, I have not been abducted by aliens - the foily is working :D ) Where was I? .....Oh yes, just to be entirely serious for a moment: I was a fairly successful (no, bugger modesty - very successful) senior manager for a couple of big companies for quite a long time. I made a constant effort over almost all of that time (ie, from the age of about 23, when I first noticed management-speak), to avoid using the buzz words. I am quite sure that the fact that I didn't quack like all the other ducks only got noticed by the relatively few non-quackers who, like me, noticed these things.

Over the same extensive period, I met many capable, competent people who, despite their predilection for quacking away in management speak, had successful careers - in most cases, deservedly so.

I also met a fair few total d*ck heads who exhibited the same verbal affliction. Most of these got nowhere but it was not their inability to speak like normal people that got in the way of their progress. :rolleyes:


insert joke here that I was planning to include but can't remember it. No, I am NOT having a senior moment ... I hope :eek:

Maaate! That looks like a senior moment! If it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it's a duck! (Or possibly a corporate high-flyer!! :eek: )

[DanP]

What really gives me the Shytes is news readers making up their own version of english and the everyone just accepts it. Eg: Jennifer Keyte - The word "medicine" is pretty simple. It's not MEDCINE - it has an 'I' in the middle. OR, The use of the word 'an' prior to words starting with the letter 'H'. You use the word 'an' prior to words starting with vowells, which, last time I checked "H" was not.

Dan

[Driver]

Have a bloke at work who says, "G'day how are we?" Or "Hello, how are we today/tonight?" Drives me nuts. Feel like saying, "I'm all right, don't know about you though"

Dan


I knew a manager years ago whose daily greeting was: "Good morning to you, (insert name of recipient of greeting)!" I'm sure he thought that this made us think he was doing us a favour by this highly personalised greeting. Actually what it really made us think was that he was a d*ck head. :D

[Auld Bassoon]

I also met a fair few total d*ck heads who ...
G'day Col,

That wouldn't be (insert "shock and horror" emoticon here) "duck head" surely? http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

As to your comments on (mis)managese, I agree, absolutely. Why, just tell me why, can't people talk in clear, concise, unambiguous language? Why instead froth up nonsense and bu&& $h!+ with impenetrable garbage?

Separate (albeit related: no hijacks allowed http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif) topic:

I largely grew up with my Godparents. My Godfather, a good all-'round bloke, (R.N. Commander, Retd) used to write to me when I was up at University. His letters were utterly impenetrable also, but not because of 'managese', but rather because he would diligently find the most complex, unusual (and preferably very lengthy!) terms in the English language. His motto seemed to be "why say what you mean in a thousand words, when ten or twenty will do?".

I damned near wore out a thesaurus trying to understand what he was saying, and the truth must be out, would try the same on him...

Happy days!

Cheers!

[Tikki]

One that really gets up my nose is "these ones" ... Don Burke used to say it often on his TV show. Even noticed it in a newspaper recently. :(

[Auld Bassoon]

What really gives me the Shytes is news readers making up their own version of english and the everyone just accepts it. Eg: Jennifer Keyte - The word "medicine" is pretty simple. It's not MEDCINE - it has an 'I' in the middle. OR, The use of the word 'an' prior to words starting with the letter 'H'. You use the word 'an' prior to words starting with vowells, which, last time I checked "H" was not.

Dan
Hi DanP,

I'm not sure I entirely agree with you. Take for example the word "hotel"; one would refer to it as "an hotel" not "a hotel", and so on.

Perhaps someone more linguistically enlightened might care to comment?

Cheers!

[vsquizz]

My (I) ...meeeself's current beef is with ACRONYMs. Its not going to hurt too much to just type the words, and I don't think we will actually use any more paper. I really hate the company bigwigs out on site bantering around all the acronyms and then looking out you in disbelief when you ask them to speak english. If I see a report or government document that loaded with acronyms I just can it.


Cheers

[Grunt]

Yup those 3LAs really p!ss me off.

[Auld Bassoon]

My (I) ...meeeself's current beef is with ACRONYMs. Its not going to hurt too much to just type the words, and I don't think we will actually use any more paper. I really hate the company bigwigs out on site bantering around all the acronyms and then looking out you in disbelief when you ask them to speak english. If I see a report or government document that loaded with acronyms I just can it.


Cheers
I take it then, that you're not in I.T.? The industry's full (to barfing point http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif) of acronyms. There's one Bl**d#r at work who seemed, until recently, to rejoice in making up his own, as if there wasn't enough already. However, everyone's got his 'mark' and now send him e-mails made-up almost exclusively of made-on-the-spur-of-the-moment acronyms - it's driving him nuts!http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gifhttp://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gifhttp://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

Cheers!

[Grunt]

How about
aksed instead of asked (peculiar to the western suburbs of Melbourne)
impordant instead of important

[Ashore]

if you just speak in plain English and don't waste your time trying to learn all the bloody buzz words.
Isn't "buzz" a buzz word








The trouble with life is there's no background music.

[AlexS]

How about
aksed instead of asked (peculiar to the western suburbs of Melbourne)


Yep, seems to be carried in the genes. There's a little town between Tumut & Wagga Wagga where almost all the 'locals' (i.e. people with 3 or more generations in the local cemetery) say aksed.

My pet hate is people who say 'quantum leap' when they really mean 'large step'. A quantum (in physics, anyway) is the smallest discrete amount possible.

The Dept. where I used to work had a senior manager who deliberately used management-speak to obfuscate and avoid answering questions. He was brought down to earth after a 5-minute ramble, when asked by a young but very able young lady, in front of a large meeting, 'Could you tell us what you just said, or wasn't it important?'

[Driver]

Isn't "buzz" a buzz word

Possibly ..... perhaps you'd like to explain why you think so?

[Ashore]

What about people why shorten their town names Wagga Wagga to Wagga
Kurri Kurri to Kurri
And why don't people in Woy Woy call their town Woy

Complex ain't it







The trouble with life is there's no background music.

[Gingermick]

"Do you have any bananas ?"
"No, I do not have any bananas."
"Why the ****** not you a*hole! I need 'em for my frickin lunch you mother %&(*%$^% ##### !""And I just went through a speed camera to get here quickly to make sure you still had 'em. , feckin' eedjit"

By the way, passed my two subjects and only one left for civil engineering qualifications. :) :) :) :D :D :) :) :)
(Dont expect anyone to care, just very relieved and doing the opposite of catharsis.)



Woy Woy

Because Woy Woy means deep water, of course which woy means deep and which means water is anyones guess.
(Spike Milligan said something like that)

[bitingmidge]

By the way, passed my two subjects and only one left for civil engineering qualifications. [/size]

Congratulations!

But be warned, there is no such thing as a civil engineer.

Cheers,

P

;)

[Auld Bassoon]

'Could you tell us what you just said, or wasn't it important?'
Alex,

I love ithttp://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gifhttp://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

Cheers!

[Auld Bassoon]

[QUOTE=Gingermick]
By the way, passed my two subjects and only one left for civil engineering qualifications. :) :) :) :D :D :) :) :)
QUOTE]

On the contrary, well done, and good luck for the C.E. qual - as someone once said, "the more I work at a skill, the luckier I get..."

Cheers!

[Gingermick]

Congratulations!

But be warned, there is no such thing as a civil engineer.
Lucky then I'll be a civil design technician, that would do. We just do the engineering and leave the client details to those uncivil folk.
Or an Associate civil engineer. only associatively civil.

Tell you what though, it would have been easier without 3 kids.

And acronyms, how about FIGJAM. Fork I'm good, just ask me.

[Caliban]

When are people going to get it right? It's would have, should have, could have; not would of, should of, could of. Do you say to your kids at night: "Of you cleaned your teeth before bed"?

"Do you have any bananas?"
"No, I do not have any bananas."
"You should have bought some."
"I could have, at least I would have, but they didn't have any."

See, it's not hard really.

:rolleyes:

Have a nice weekend. ;)
Darren you old stirrer looks like you've outdone yourself this time. I remember my first post was about how spelling wasn't hard and you called me a smart ****. Look what you've started.

[arose62]

1) Hey Danp,

I think that there are 3 exceptions to the "an before a noun starting with a consonant" rule - when the noun starts with "w", "h" or "y".

So, you could easily find a language expert to support "an hotel", "an waterlily" and "an yobbo", although I tend not to use this, as it seems a bit artificial.

Oh, and "vowels" only has one "l" in it ;)

2) Everyone else on this thread:

my pet hate is the (mis)pronunciation of "kilometres".
It's made up of a prefix "kilo" and the unit "metres".
IT IS NOT PRONOUNCED "KLOMUTTERS" !!!

You don't say "klograms" for weight, nor "mlimmitters" for length, so why blend the two in the case of kilo-metres????:mad:

"Key-lo-meet-ers" - say it with me, and let's get every radio announcer and TV face sacked, who says it otherwise.

3) My 3-yo daughter watched some TV show with a magician, then came running out asking me to fix something. Turns out she didn't want "a-broken-dabra".

Cheers,
Andrew

[journeyman Mick]

Slightly off topic here,
my pet hate is when people answer a "how are you?" with "good". I'm asking about their wellbeing, not their behaviour!

Mick

[Grunt]

And acronyms, how about FIGJAM. Fork I'm good, just ask me.


LOMBARD. Lots of money but a real d!ckhead

[Gingermick]

Slightly off topic here,
my pet hate is when people answer a "how are you?" with "good"
I find when I answer that question with anything other than 'Good' or 'Not bad', people look at me strangely.
When I'm feeling really good, I used tto say Fantastic or wonderously marvellous or some such innanity. But your not supposed to feel that way in a Consultant engineers office and your cast aside as a trouble maker or something.

[Iain]

I aint doin nuffin (often heard from kids who are doing something they shouldn't be).
Some rubbish I have heard:
Essedun (Melbourne Suburb)
Scotch Check (Tartan)
Ec Setra (Etcetera)
Vietmanese
Sumbarine
One from school 'Scotland, Wales and Ireland are all part of England'.
And one from uni days 'Morphostasis' Status Quo was just so outmoded.
There is also a recording of the politically correct 'Old Man River'

[Gingermick]

Ec Setra (Etcetera)

There is a bloke at work who says that. I can handle that but he also says 'brang' instead of brought

[bitingmidge]

... ... and then there's the term "youse" unless it's incorporated in speech as an affectation: I don't know how to youse a hand plane.

This is not to be confused with the Kiwi slang which has also become common in the speech of some of our ugg boot wearers: "How're ewes going?"

Cheers,

P :D

[E. maculata]

Now we know we are getting old, specially you Darren :p complaining about evolution of the common language as it ceased to be english many years ago ......for my favourite comparison let us roll back the years & imagine William Shakespeare and his Posse down at ye ole Taverne consuming gourds of meade discussing the mangellations of the Kings english thumping the tables with fists closed exclaiming loudly for all to hear "the knaves are using You to replace Thou and "ye verily we shall hasten down the pathe prior taken" has been replace by "Quick come down this way".....sound familar fellas? :rolleyes:

[Daddles]

Sorry Bruce, Shakespeare was responsible for more new words and more mangling than anyone else :D (seriously, I listen to the ABC and they have a language professor come on every week ... and he's a card carrying member of their pedant's club).

Richard

The world is wasted on the young - we should finish stuffing it up so they don't get the chance :(

[E. maculata]

OKay, replace Bill with Bill's teachers exclaiming "oh despair thy name is Shaekespeare" :)

[Ashore]

... ... and then there's the term "youse"
Espically when it's used with "aint" and "cumin"

as in aint youse cumin







I don’t mind growing old, it sure beats the alternative.

[Kev Y.]

hey guys (and gals), Get back in the shed, youse have way too much time on you're hands :D

[Daddles]

hey guys (and gals), Get back in the shed, youse have way too much time on you're hands :D

Oi. Yesterday, I cleaned up the decking on the new boat, glued on the gunwales and took the oars from square to round. Heading outside to put in the seat ... as soon as I can get away from this confounded board :rolleyes:

Cheers
Richard

[RETIRED]

Oi. Yesterday, I cleaned up the decking on the new boat, glued on the gunwales and took the oars from square to round. Heading outside to put in the seat ... as soon as I can get away from this confounded board :rolleyes:

Cheers
Richard
SEAT!!!!!!! Thwart surely?

[bitingmidge]

SEAT!!!!!!! Thwart surely?

Perhaps he was going to seat the thwart in epoxy??

P
:D :D

[fxst]

But he only thwart about putting in the seat I guess :D :D
Pete

[Daddles]

Hey, educated woodies. Will wonders never cease. I only used the 's' word to avoid confusing among the great non-nautical. :D

Richard

bugga, another stuff up spotted

[bitingmidge]

Or wath he thwarted in thecuring the theat perhapth?

P
:D

[zenwood]

Manglage has been a topic of complaint for many years. One of my favourites is George Orwell's Politics and the English Language:

http://www.resort.com/~prime8/Orwell/patee.html (http://www.resort.com/%7Eprime8/Orwell/patee.html)

which points out that bad language can actually have political consequences (shall I mention George W here?). Moderating this is the fact that language evolves, which is why it's hard to understand Shakespeare, and even harder to understand Chaucer, and perhaps explains why I.T. professionals have invented their own new language to deal with a new technology. A good article about this is Steven Pinker's Grammar Puss:

http://pinker.wjh.harvard.edu/articles/media/1994_01_24_thenewrepublic.html

which highlights just how amazing it is that teenagers invent their own language fashions, along with the 'rules' that govern their use.

Another good commentary on management-speak is the comic strip The Adventures of Action Item!, see

http://www.fatalexception.org/action_item.html


Happy reading, co-linguaphiles! :)

[Daddles]

Who let this bloke in, he's trying to drag the thread back to the topic. , is that allowed?

Richard

[Iain]

Why is LISP spelt (spelled) with a S?
(Ita Buttrose (Butroathe) will provide the correct answer).

[zenwood]

Who let this bloke in, he's trying to drag the thread back to the topic. , is that allowed?

Richard Making up for putting the bathroom question in the boats forum:eek:

[adrian]

I was going to add somethink but I couldn't of wrote anythink worth sayin(k)g.

[Driver]

Why is LISP spelt (spelled) with a S?
(Ita Buttrose (Butroathe) will provide the correct answer).

It's ironic that quite a few people who suffer from speech impediments have names (like Ita Buttrose) that seem to emphasise the problem.

There used to be (maybe he's still around) a very astute political commentator on British TV. He had difficulty pronouncing the letters 'R' and 'L". To get round the problem he - like many others with this particular speech impediment - used to turn the letter 'R' into a 'V' and the letter 'L' into a convoluted 'W'. No big deal, you may think.

Problem. His name was Brian Waldron. This came out as B'vyan Wawud'von. Clive James said he was the only person on British TV who couldn't actually pronounce his own name. :o

I had a mate at school who had exactly the same impediment. Name of Andrew - or, in his case, And'voo. :rolleyes:

[Iain]

This came out as B'vyan Wawud'von. Clive James said he was the only person on British TV who couldn't actually pronounce his own name. :o

I had a mate at school who had exactly the same impediment. Name of Andrew - or, in his case, And'voo. :rolleyes:
I have a fwend in wome called..............................., jewish wapscallion, fwow him to the gwound centurion :D

[zenwood]

Here's another kind of speech impediment: Spoonerisms -- or tips of the slung:

http://www.generationterrorists.com/quotes/spoonerisms.html

[keith53]

I have a fwend in wome called..............................., jewish wapscallion, fwow him to the gwound centurion :D
I think the fwend's name was Biggus Dickus...

Had any crewsuffixions today,,, centewrion?

[Gingermick]

Here's another kind of speech impediment: Spoonerisms --
They're called Roonerspisms

[Iain]

Discovered by one Irishman, Dr Seamus Rooner who noticed that the brain activity in the victim was too slight to be call a spasm so he called it spism.
Hence the term for those afflicted with this was called a Rooner Spism, but the afflicted of course called it a Spooner Rism.
It's true, trust me, I submitted a paper on this at Uni many moons ago.

[Caliban]

Or wath he thwarted in thecuring the theat perhapth?

P
:D
Or as the Norse god said to Ita
"I'm Thor!"

[Aberdeen]

Oi. Yesterday, I cleaned up the decking on the new boat, glued on the gunwales and took the oars from square to round. Heading outside to put in the seat ... as soon as I can get away from this confounded board :rolleyes:

Cheers
Richard
Hey Daddles,
How about less time on the boards and more time building that TAFE boat!

[bitingmidge]

Or as the Norse god said to Ita
"I'm Thor!"

But quite thatithfifed.....
P
:rolleyes:

[Jack E]

I once mispronounced the word dyslexia as lysdexia,
I thought it was so funny that I still do it to this day, I actually cannot say the word dyslexia.
Nothing against those with Dyslexia BTW :)

[Caliban]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, amnesiac philosopher?
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He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really is a dog. :D

[Jack E]

The term "going forward" really annoys me, perhaps it is management trying to emphasise that although they may not be moving, they are not going backwards :)
I really can't stand the substitution of "and" with "n" or "of" with "a".

[bitingmidge]

Nothing against those with Dyslexia BTW :)

DYSLECTICS OF THE WORLD UNTIE!!

P
:D

[Iain]

The bottom line is you lot can't think outside the square (whatever that means) ;)

[silentC]

I don't know, I see a bit of synergy here that we could leverage. Let's take that offline and we'll get our people to workshop it for a few weeks.

[keith53]

DYSLECTICS OF THE WORLD UNTIE!!

P
:D
There's nothing wrong with being dislectric:)

[Driver]

I don't know, I see a bit of synergy here that we could leverage. Let's take that offline and we'll get our people to workshop it for a few weeks.

Excellent! Then we can caucus their output with the other stakeholders and get consensus to implement a timeframe. At the end of the day, we should be able to deliver on a bottom-line outcome, going forward. Excuse me, I'll just answer my mobile.

[silentC]

Of course we'll need to implement a change management system, complete a risk assessment, and agree on a contingency plan. Is it Y2K compliant?

[Driver]

OK. I'll get my PA to put together a KPI worksheet to calculate the EBITDA. If that doesn't work, we'll just rub in a bit of MFKL!

[silentC]

One can never have an excess of lacquer on one's knackers.

[keith53]

Excellent! Then we can caucus their output with the other stakeholders and get consensus to implement a timeframe. At the end of the day, we should be able to deliver on a bottom-line outcome, going forward. Excuse me, I'll just answer my mobile.
What's even more scary is that most of these wankers believe this crap. Those who want to be seen as "switched on" pay lip service to it without realising how bloody stupid they look and sound. Or maybe they are prepared to wear it to be "accepted". I have to deal with this nonsense on a daily basis so forgive me for being a bit touchy. My better half tells me I should be more diplomatic & think of my career, but as the old saying goes, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, its a f***ing duck... So dont blame me if I point this obvious fact out.

Its reflections like this that make me appreciative of my shed and all the distracting goodies within. :)

[TassieKiwi]

A.D.I.S.
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.....Don't die of dyslexia!

Old, but still funny :D .

[silentC]

What's even more scary is that most of these wankers believe this crap.
I'm ashamed to say there was a time in my career, albeit short, when I thought that all that crap was what it took to get anywhere in a company.

I was good at my job as a programmer and I did a few things above and beyond, so they 'rewarded' me by sticking me into a leadership development program and started telling me that my 'career path' was management. There's no future in being a techo.

Then they put me on a management development program but a month or two later, I was promoted in a technical position that had an equivalent management level job description. They booted me out of the MDP (sorry, I graduated from it) having learned nothing - but I was now considered a manager. I rebelled against all the crap and it got rather messy in the end.

Shortly after that, I left that company (after 9 years) and took up a contract with another financial institution. I worked on project there for 3 years with a certain US Management Consulting company and it was here that I developed my true loathing for management-speak and brown-nosing ladder climbers. These guys have to be seen to be believed and at >$200 per hour for junior staff, it's sickening.

They changed their name a few years ago but a new name doesn't hide the stink. The project was 2 years behind schedule and several million dollars over budget when I left. I heard it was canned shortly after and the project scrapped.

[Driver]

A few years ago, I presented a proposal to a government department. Actually, it was so long ago that my presentation didn't involve Powerpoint! How quaint!

Anyway, I was going through the detail with the review team. The senior bureaucrat stopped me and said:-

"This is good. I like this!'

"What's that?" quoth I.

"What you say here," he said. This passage says: '...deployment of resources...'. Very good. I like that. 'Deployment... deploy'. Good word, that."

"Ah," says I. "OK. Glad you approve."

We moved on.

As it turned out, we won the bid and started to do some work for the government department concerned. Consequently, I had a bit of contact with the senior bureaucrat. Oh boy, did he ever like the word 'deploy'!

Every single memo I saw that he wrote for a period of about three months (and this boy was the King Of The Memo, believe me), made at least one reference to 'deploy' or 'deployment'. As I recall, the assets subjected to his deployment ranged from canteen crockery to earth-moving equipment. He deployed everything, man!

And it was all my fault! :o :eek:

[AlexS]

.... we should be able to deliver on a bottom-line outcome, ....

Shouldn't that be a triple bottom-line outcome? :rolleyes:

[zenwood]

Here's a recent memo from a manager:
In my first [memo] I proclaimed “making a profound difference by an order of magnitude” to be the mantra for the newly created [division]. I now realise how much this is necessary for [the Department] as a whole.

Yes, time has jettisoned us into a new world order with an ever-changing strategic environment where ‘unpredictability’ is the order of the day!! This demands leadership with a profound difference to not only confront this unpredictable strategic environment, but also to continue to deliver . . . outcomes that make a difference . . ..

In this article, I would like to discuss that magic ‘leadership’ hidden in you all, because [the division] needs it now more than ever before.
<o =""></o>
[C]hallenges

<o =""></o>Besides the changing strategic environment, [we] face new challenges such as:

• Support to [new departmental plan],

• [Our] new role in the —— Process and support to ——,

• [Our] relationship with the —— agency,

• [Our] engagement with other . . . Agencies,

• [the departmental] Review and its implementation, and

• [Our] declining budget.

In my view, these challenges are really opportunities in disguise - opportunities for all of us to demonstrate our organisational responsiveness, flexibility, . . . excellence and our ability to deliver more for less.

Your leadership

To transform challenges into opportunities requires true ‘leadership’ in its broadest sense. Leadership is about understanding people and their feelings, showing and leading the way into the future, and producing results that benefit all.

I believe each and every one of us has ‘leadership’ ability within us that we may or may not recognise. Buried within us is an inner depth with untapped vast intelligence to guide us in our leadership role.

During the . . . break, I read an interesting book entitled Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle. This book had a profound impact on me and struck a chord with some of my own beliefs and understandings of leadership.

Eckhart Tolle observes “when you lose touch with your inner-self, you lose touch with yourself; when you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world”.

Having read the book a couple of times, I realise how closely ‘leadership’ is connected with our inner-self. I am not sure how one can really understand people and their feelings and lead them effectively, without having that ‘touch’ of our own inner-self.

A great many leaders in history have touched people’s hearts through their compassion and at the same time led their country very successfully. The secret behind such leaders, in my thinking, is that they all had some degree of conscious awareness of their inner-self and their ability to tap into that inner dimension for leadership.

We all have that inner dimension and hence, as I said earlier, every one of us is a potential leader. The future is yours! Together, we will be able to confront the challenges I listed above and transform them into opportunities, as each and every one of us has that inner dimension that we can access.

I am passionate about you and I want your hidden leadership potential to come out to benefit [the department] and <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1 ="">Australia</st1></st1:country-region>. As you may know, [we] in concert with [the human resources department have] already taken a major strategic initiative in Workforce/Succession Planning to help you advance your leadership potential. You will soon see further initiatives focused to unleash that hidden leadership in you!

[Jack E]

I'm glad I don't work where you do :D :D
Probably took him a day to write that crap :)

[silentC]

Yes, same crap I got 10 years ago. At the end of the day, some people have it in them and most don't. The world is full of lousy managers and no amount of brainwashing will make them change.

The most pathetic thing I ever saw was one of the execs from the 'old school'. When the change came through, he was left looking around at his world slowly falling apart. In his world, he could yell and rant and rave and generally intimidate people. Everyone hated him but he got things done.

He came to the realisation that if he was going to keep his job in the 'new' world, he would have to adopt this 'leadership' guff that was coming out of the US. It was like watching a farmer wearing a suit to a wedding. His heart just wasn't in it and it was probably as uncomfortable for us to watch him tip-toeing about as it was for him to be doing it. He was made redundant shortly after. Probably the best thing that could've happened under the circumstances.

[Driver]

Shouldn't that be a triple bottom-line outcome? :rolleyes:

Quite right, Alex. Curses! I'd forgotten about the triple bottom line. :rolleyes:

[keith53]

Here's a recent memo from a manager:

Zen,



Do you know if the penis on this guy's head was fitted to the front or the side?:)

[Driver]

Here's a recent memo from a manager:


Zen

It's possible that this bloke is not utterly incompetent. In an earlier post to this thread I mentioned that I had met many quite successful managers who were guilty of management-speak (or quacking). Consequently, I believe that quacking is not an infallible indicator of dick-headedness. It is, however, a not insignificant factor and quacking on the scale exhibited by this bloke demands constant vigilance.

I also think that anyone who declares: "I am passionate about you...." either doesn't understand what he is saying or has designs upon your person not dissimilar to those of Seaman Staines. In other words, he's a bit of a worry! :rolleyes:

[keith53]

I also think that anyone who declares: "I am passionate about you...." either doesn't understand what he is saying or has designs upon your person not dissimilar to those of Seaman Staines. In other words, he's a bit of a worry! :rolleyes:
Stop this!!! I'm laughing so much I'll have to change my jocks soon...:D :D :D

[Gingermick]

I'm good at my job too, but have an uncanny ability to make myself misunderstood. Particularly when there's contentious or complex issues, .... or even simple ones that need to be communicated to people that irk me, or in any way cause me stress.
Those levels have been up recently as I have been too stressed to go and turn some wood.
Luckily I dont want to be upper, middle or lower echelon management.http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon6.gif

[Auld Bassoon]

I don't know, I see a bit of synergy here that we could leverage. Let's take that offline and we'll get our people to workshop it for a few weeks.
Which roughly tranlates as "let's make this someone else's problem, because we don't know cr*p about the issue, and so that we'll know who to blame, going forward"http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

I'm a middlingly senior manager at a large corporate, and it grieves me as to how much absolute twaddle is spoken, often in all seriousness, by colleagues and peers.

Has anyone here ever seen any of the "Yes, Minister" programmes broadcast by the BBC a few years ago? So very, painfully, frighteningly true!

Cheers!

[Auld Bassoon]

Is it Y2K compliant?
It was five and a half years ago, but times change...

[Auld Bassoon]

Here's a recent memo from a manager:
G'day Zenwood,

Sorry I had to delete that passage, but I couldn't bear to read it again..

If that was a real memo to real people, he /she must live in "Alice's Palace" (a name/epithet I normally reserve for corporate HQ, as that's where the really <<<<smart>>>> folk live...)

God's teeth. What a lot of . I thinks I'd better stop now, and have a nice calming glass of red gargle juicehttp://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Auld Bassoon]

One can never have an excess of lacquer on one's knackers.
Eh? Que? ? I must have missed something. I'm definately not spraying lacquer anywhere near there...http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Iain]

[/indent]have a nice calming glass of red gargle juicehttp://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif
Doing that rite noo, cee caint efen spel, hu gis a tos, bi orl....veever lar red :p

[craigb]

I must have missed something.

Yes you have. :D

Dare I say it?

Do a search :p

Or ask Col ;)

[Driver]

Eh? Que? ? I must have missed something. I'm definately not spraying lacquer anywhere near there...http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/icons/icon10.gif

Steve

You're suffering from lack of data, mate. Rather than fill you in completely, allow me to gently introduce you to one of the BB's more engaging themes by suggesting that you do a search using the key words "Max Factor". Prepare to be amazed!

Col

[Iain]

Oh for a glamorous hammer ;)

[AlexS]

Here's a recent memo from a manager:.....

99,100, change hands :eek:

Zen, the guy who wrote that wasn't PJH was it? I suspect I recognise the style.

[zenwood]

G'day Zenwood,
If that was a real memo to real people...
<smart> yep on both counts.

</smart>
Zen, the guy who wrote that wasn't PJH was it? I suspect I recognise the style. No it wasn't PJH. (I don't know who PJH is, but those aren't the author's initials.)

[Gingermick]

Discovered by one Irishman, Dr Seamus Rooner .
Just remembered one out of Fury by Salman Rushdie. The candidates in his
US election 2000 were Gush and Bore.
How apt.