terro..... oops.... tourists

[Christopha]

Supposedly genuine Q&A from an Australian tourism site.....

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

20. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

21. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
_________________

[echnidna]

That'd make a brilliant souvenir tea towel!!!

but its been around for a while so who claims copyright!!!! :D :D :D :D

[LineLefty]

not sure what a vegan hunter gather hunts.

[Daddles]

not sure what a vegan hunter gather hunts.
Vegans of course. Very tasty when spitted over a slow burning red gum fire with a glass or three of draft to baste the cook.

Richard

[silentC]

Yes, it's like grain-fed beef. Very popular in upmarket restaurants.

[Iain]

* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and
if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)
(Sure, there's only 8 million of them)


* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn
blue? (Germany)
(More likely brown, considering the effluent...)


* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
(Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question,
who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...)


* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which
direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to
avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
(Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held
in Sydney.)


* My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.
Will you let her in? (South Africa)
(Why? We do have toilet paper here...)


* Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
(???)


* Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
(Depends if you get an ugly one or not...)


* Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
(Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and
most national parks...)


* Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
(Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

* Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors?
(Italy)
(Yes. Outdoors.)

[jow104]

DONT FORGET TO PREPAY YOUR ROAD TOLL IN MELBOURNE or else

VICTORIANS ARE DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[craigb]

VICTORIANS ARE DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, the rest of us knew that already :D

[jow104]

To CRAIGB.

You certainly are.

SNOW IN FEBRUARY 2005.

thats different.

[craigb]

Well we organised that so you'd feel at home :D :D

[ozwinner]

Thats sheep on the hill top you dill..


Al :eek:

[jow104]

To Ozwinner

You had better order a pair of glasses that was 1 metre deep snow!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D

There was that bloke Craig warning me not to visit in Jan/Feb owing to high temperatures and our temps.ranged from 15 to 31 C. Whats it like in June/Sept.?

[echnidna]

In Timboon its usually around 12 to 18.

[Iain]

Yarra Valley, where we used to live, -2 to 12.
Falls Creek, our other place, -6 to 2.
Brisbane, still humid no matter what the temp is.

[JackoH]

Yarra Valley News: Yesterday(Sat) Petrol 94.9c.per litre. Today Sunday 105.9. Today is also Grape Grazing with 1000s of terrorists(sorry- tourists) pouring into the area. Any conection, or did I miss a price hike in the crude oil price last night?

[RETIRED]

Yarra Valley News: Yesterday(Sat) Petrol 94.9c.per litre. Today Sunday 105.9. Today is also Grape Grazing with 1000s of terrorists(sorry- tourists) pouring into the area. Any conection, or did I miss a price hike in the crude oil price last night?
Nah! Just a cynical mongrel like me. :D

[Iain]

Hear hear :mad: :mad: :mad: