What makes a man...

[silentC]

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open
it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and noisy
destruction as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying
they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ****ed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item.
Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then.
Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in
the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there
in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while
the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized *****.

[HappyHammer]

25, OWNING A TRAILER, being able to cart an assortment of merchandise but really only using it to take rubbish to the tip, but it's about the invincibility when towing a trailer knowing that people are staying out of your way, well hard....

[Tankstand]

Owning a UTE! :D

[echnidna]

27. Having a shed full of noisy toys!!

[HappyHammer]

28. P*****G IN THE SHOWER. You know you do....and if you don't maybe you should be sitting down.

[Ben from Vic.]

29. Being able to light a fire. The more petrol you use the better. Proudly (but silently) displaying the scorched clothes and lack of hair, and claiming that "it was all under control".

30. Having the ability to look coordinated, gracefull and purposeful whilst running.

[arose62]

31. Having an advanced fashion sense. Blue singlets can be coordinated with any colour shorts, and any style of steel-capped boots.
By being cut narrower at the top, they also impart a distinctly wider look to one's shoulders.

32. Having more cleavage than the average woman. Of course, they mostly try to hide theirs with G-strings ...

[HappyHammer]

33. Owning a splitter and being able to hit more wood than concrete when using it.

[barnsey]

And Christ - I could have thought of all that but -
My 4th one is a Psychologist
How insane is that :confused: :confused:

[HappyHammer]

34. Not understanding what Barnsey is going on about.

[AlexS]

35. Cutting your toenails with a pocket knife

[ozwinner]

Taking a slash with the seat UP or DOWN....... :D


Al

[John Saxton]

37) Picking your teeth with a knife (sword swallowing)

38) Changing a truck tyre

39) Gargling with peanuts

40) Opening a Darwin Stubby with teeth

[Grunt]

41) Eating Quiche

Ooops Sorry,

41) Not Eating Quiche

[ozwinner]

42, coming to this BB, and not looking for the deeper meaning.

[simon c]

43) Eating peanuts by throwing them up in the air and catching them in your mouth

44) Picking the ones that that miss your off of the floor and eating them without checking to see what other dirt you have picked up (probably would be just sawdust anyway)

[goat]

45 Jogging home from a vasectomy operation

[silentC]

46) Trying to think of something witty to say that is funnier than the previous post instead of doing your work.

[Wongo]

47 FARTING in bed :o

[journeyman Mick]

47 FARTING in bed :o

Pongo Wongo :eek:

[bitingmidge]

45 Jogging home from a vasectomy operation

49) bouncing home on a Pogo stick after a vasectomy operation.

(I am not prepared to say whether I did or didn't, but got a giggle from the staff in the clinic when I walked into the surgery ready for the big snip, with the said conveyance over my shoulder "for the trip home".)

[ivanavitch]

50. Packing for a week away on business and only needing a small bag.

51. Packing for a weekend on Mt Panorama and only needing a ute AND a trailor.

[E. maculata]

Owning the biggest damn "insert power tool here (but 137cc chainsaw is worth max points straight up)" currently on the market or better yet ever made.



Bruce C.
Yep owned an 090 and me mates gotta 3120 husky. :p

[DanP]

Going to the Pambula Market Yesterday, in shorts. Neutered Brass Monkeys everywhere.

Dan

[Rodgera]

Tellin' the muvva'n'law she so big that she needs her own postcode :p :p :o

[PlanePig]

Rodgera , this crazy act explains your avtar :D :D
Planepig

[Rodgera]

Auugh Gosh!!!!!!! :confused: :confused: :cool:

[silentC]

Going to the Pambula Market Yesterday, in shorts. Neutered Brass Monkeys everywhere.

Dan
Pambula market? Jeez, you know how to have fun, don't you ;)

[craigb]

Darren,

The other day I got a new PC at work and it came with a really nice TFT monitor which I've got set to a resolution of 1280 x 1024.

But I'm buggered if I can make out what your new avatar is :D

Craig :)

[silentC]

It's a sort of an eagle thing with robot claws swooping down to pluck an ant from the eyeball of the gargoyle which is Mr Zoliparra's balcony. The ant is called Ergates and he is a pet of Bascule the Teller.

HTH

:D

[craigb]

It's a sort of an eagle thing with robot claws swooping down to pluck an ant from the eyeball of the gargoyle which is Mr Zoliparra's balcony. The ant is called Ergates and he is a pet of Bascule the Teller.

HTH

:D

Oh of course ! :D

Thanks for clearing that up :D :D

[bitingmidge]

Oh of course ! :D

Thanks for clearing that up :D :D

But it's a two legged ant....

Looks like the chook has REALLY grown up and got scary!!

[silentC]

But it's a two legged ant....
No, that's Bascule and Mr Zoliparra. Are you blind? The ant is sitting on the railing.

[Termite]

Dear Silent, dare we ask what earth shattering mid-life event made you decide to change your avatar to an eyeball plucking raptor. Haven't been sniffing the old glue bottle have we? :D
Kind regards
Termite sniff...aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

[silentC]

I think it's Banksia poisoning.

Nah, I was sick of looking at Alex but couldn't think of anything witty to replace him with, so this is one of my favourite books.

[Zed]

back to foghorn leghorn then. your best by far...

You listening boy ? yaw jaws a' flapping but theres no sound cummin out, Ah said are yew listenin' boy ?

Nice kid, sharp as a pound o' wet leather but I laik 'im...

[silentC]

But no-one took me seriously when I was Foghorn. All I got was 'chicken' this and 'chook' that and no respect from anyone :(

[craigb]

But no-one took me seriously when I was Foghorn.

And you think we do now? :rolleyes: :D

[silentC]

Maybe I should go back to being the Big Coight. Now there's a figure worthy of respect....

[vsquizz]

I'm not sure I should say anything right here:D given my avatar, but heck...

Silent, maybe you have uploaded your mental state to the Crypt once too often??


Cheers

[silentC]

Ah, hav u red feersum enjinn Mr squizzy? I hav red it a cupl ov timz now. Grate buk if u lik sifi an don mind trine 2 desifer Bascule's fonetik speling.

[Termite]

Definitely Banksia poisoning

[vsquizz]

iz werkim betr if yuz u Germun wats dun ingliss me fink

[Jeff]

#53. Diggin' out splinters with a utility knife, or better, not diggin' 'em out till you show 'em around..."aint that a grand one...!"

#54. Fixin' whatever it is at three AM, like a water leak spraying on the electrical panel.

#55 Givin' a good thumpin' to some as$h*!& who just insulted yer gilfriend.

[vsquizz]

#56. (A real Toolman Classic) Turbocharging the lawnmower with a hairdryer

Works only if you remove the heating element.

#57. Getting cheezed off with the price and longevity of lawnmower blades and making your own ones out of 4 mm thick Stainless Steel (Can then Grind stumps:D, rocks, concrete, cats )

[simon c]

I think it's Banksia poisoning.

Nah, I was sick of looking at Alex but couldn't think of anything witty to replace him with, so this is one of my favourite books.

Hi silentC,

Not only do we share an interest in probability and coffee but also in authors. Except I prefer Iain Banks when he doesn't have the M (Wasp Factory, Crow Road, The Bridge, etc) though I've read most of the M ones too.

Simon

[silentC]

I like the non-genre stuff as well. Favourite is probably "The Bridge" followed by "Walking on Glass". I've read 'em all, some twice. Just waiting for the lazy Scottish git to write another one. Since I've caught up with the back catalogue, I need more than one every couple of years.

[simon c]

Just waiting for the lazy Scottish git to write another one.

Yes, and it needs to be a good one - I thought Song of Stone was a bit boring and The Business was a bit too straight. Dead Air was OK as a book, but it was just a good story, nothing very Banksy. Favourites would be The Bridge and The Wasp Factory in the "weird" range and Crow Road and Complicity in the "more like a normal thriller" range.

Have you read any Stephen Fry - Making History, the Liar and the Stars' Tennis Balls all have that Iain Banks weird intelligence but probably a bit more humour.

Simon

[simon c]

An update

The Algebraist by Iain M Banks has just been or is just about to be released.

Supposedly, it is something to do with algebra and probability :rolleyes:

Simon

[journeyman Mick]

#56. (A real Toolman Classic) Turbocharging the lawnmower with a hairdryer

Works only if you remove the heating element.

#57. Getting cheezed off with the price and longevity of lawnmower blades and making your own ones out of 4 mm thick Stainless Steel (Can then Grind stumps:D, rocks, concrete, cats )

Squizzy,
bisalloy works better! :D Been using a 6mm bisalloy cutter bar on my ride on for quite a few years now, it will probably outlast the rest of the mower.

Silent,
"The Bridge", is that the one which seems like a long drawn out hallucination/bad dream, but turns out to be some guy teetering on the edge of death in hospital?

Mick

[silentC]

Have you read any Stephen Fry
Haven't read any Stephen Fry. Didn't know he wrote to be honest. I'll give it a spin next time I'm near a bookshop.


The Algebraist by Iain M Banks has just been or is just about to be released.
Excellent. Wonder how long it's going to take to get on the shelves here?

[vsquizz]

#58. Turbocharging your ride on Mower with Bisalloy blades fitted:D

[bitingmidge]

:eek: :eek: :eek:

I thought anything to do with mowers was Secret Women's Business!

:eek: :eek: :eek:

P

[Rodgera]

Please dont mow 'em down (yet) :mad:

[bitingmidge]

Please dont mow 'em down (yet) :mad:
All are safe!
NO risk of me going within a hundred yards of a mower! :D

P

[Rodgera]

Only one hundred yards!!!
If its turbo'ed it aint warm yet? :eek: :eek:

[HappyHammer]

#59. Saying poo and sex rather than scatalogical

[Rodgera]

It only looks bad!!