Am I an idiot ?

[Phil Spencer]

My 26 year old daughter decided that it was time to flee the family nest this was encouraged by her boyfriend (who shall henceforth be known as Slug Boy), Slug Boy suggusted that daughter sublet a room at a friends house. Dear old Dad wanting to help gave the love of his life some money to buy new furniture and spent all last Saturday trucking her things and assembling furniture while Slug Boy watched on and tried to help.

To digress Slug Boys idea of male bonding conversation is to talk about an unpleasant bowl movement he had in a local McDonald's but I digress.

When I arrived at the house I was immediately concerned new house mate was a nice young lady who had tattoos down around her private regions and she was watching a movie with her mother, Slug Boy assured me that she would be OK as he would stay with my daughter, so against my better judgement I went ahead and unloaded the truck and assembled her new furniture.

On Saturday night there were lots of tears and long discussions between my daughter and Slug Boy, turns out he had changed his mind and decided not to stay with the daughter he was going home because Mummy had put her foot down.

My daughter decided to give it a go lasted one night and has now decided to come back home, so I now have to hire another truck pack up her stuff bring it home and find some where to put it all Slug Boy won't help because he has to stay at home with Mummy (Slug Boy is 25 years old!).

All up I am about of pocket around $2,500.00 and the cost will rise with the hire of another truck etc... Next week daughter and Slug Boy go off for a holiday for the week, Slug Boy won't get his drivers license so daughter has to do all the driving in the car that I gave her.

What is it about the young male generation all they think about is what is in their belly and what hangs off the end of it and they can't let go of the apron strings, where are all the eligible young men or are they all morons?

So am I the worlds biggest idiot for helping and supporting my daughter should I have my self committed? The money that I have wasted I could have used for the spindle moulder that I have been saving up for. Does any other father have these problems?

[Bob38S]

Phil, I feel for you - when it comes down to the kids Fathers just have to do what Fathers have to do - that's the feely good bit for when it comes to your own.

As to the "slug boy" He is 25 going on 8 from the sounds of it and needs to be quickly and firmly jerked back to reality, [perhaps the daughter can have a gentle reality check as well]. He reads up as a money + emotional sponge who will continue to play all around him for a sucker - only while you/your daughter let him.

You mention that they are off for a week's holiday - what about a contribution to your costs?

I could go on and on but I think you get the picture.

Regards,
Bob

[dennford]

That's what parents do (maybe we shouldn't?). I do think though, that your daughter is rather foolish for putting up with what appears to be a "no hoper".

The last time one of mine had a slug boy clone, she finally saw the light -was extremely hurt but slowly got back on track and is now enjoying life (even though she is still paying off some debt that they jointly accrued).

Denn

[Waldo]

Does any other father have these problems?

Thankfully not yet as my little girl is only 3 (almost 4).

Slug Boy sounds like a subtle term for something more. He sounds to me like he needs a :buttkick: Put an old pair of steel caps on so that you can leave it embedded up the date with no concerns of getting it back. :2tsup:

[Pat]

This sounds very familiar. The Daughter was "rescued" from one "Slug Boy" 18 months ago, moved back home for 12 months, met up with another bloke, whom has turned out to be another "Slug Boy" . . . I have expressed my opinion about these so called adult males but she keeps choosing that type :doh:

This type, just wants to be waited on hand and foot with a subservient or is it a servant for a partner. I get dragged into helping install stuff at their place, no offer to help and his father is the same.

At least they know not to ask for money, because the response would not be printable:;

[tea lady]

:C Jees! Sounds tricky, but a father's got to stick by his daughter doesn't he? If she really wants to move out of home how about helping find a decent place for her. I'd hate to have to do the share house thing these days. It was OK in the inner city where there were a lot of students and artists who were poor, but going somewhere. (And not watching pornos. ) As for slug boy friends, I was hopeless at finding non slugs, so can' t help you there. :doh: Ya just got to let them make their own mistakes, but at least tell your daughter what you think of him. And that she is worth more.

[Greg Hall]

Hi Phil,
I reckon you have done well. My eldest daughter (A)was living with her version of Slug Boy, and had an unexpected (if there is such a thing) pregnancy. He was off like a shot interstate, so A wanted to move back home. No room in our humble abode for an adiitional room, so it cost me $50K to have a dependant living unit with 2 bedrooms, lounge/kitchenette and bathroom built on our block.
End result is that we now have a beautiful granddaughter that we see regularly, A is happy to have the support of her familiy around her.
We are on this earth for such a short time, we need to treasure every minute we can with our kids.
That is not to say that when I look at the new room, and see a combination thicknesser, new bandsaw...........

Greg.

[acmegridley]

Let 'em go, they soon find out what life is all about!:rolleyes:

[Phil Spencer]

Just came home, wife is up set daughter has taken her anger and confusion out on the one least able to stand up to her, and daughter has gone to her new place, think I will change the locks tonight. If I had known what was to come I would have had a vasectomy before I learnt how to breed.

[rrobor]

When they move out, get rid of the bed. We have a computer room and an exercise room. We still got one to go and he seems to be a fixture. His mum washes and irons white shirts and his collection of ties is starting to clog the house. Being a hater of white shirts and ties it confuses the hell out of me. So when he goes, thats the games room.

[jmk89]

Use the white shirts to apply Danish Oil - that'll get rid of him.....

[Rossluck]

It's just life Phil. Young people have to make their mistakes (unlike us at that age, of course :wink:), and all you can do is what you recently did. You never know, Slug boy may well turn out to be a really good person. Your daughter sees something in him. Do you respect her? If she flicks him now she may well find someone who appears to be perfect, and yet turns out to be a nightmare.

As a Dad you did the right thing. Keep doing it. You can't really control her future. You're actually like a computer on standby, waiting to be brought into action when she needs you. Good luck with it, it's just life. :D

[tea lady]

When they move out, get rid of the bed. We have a computer room and an exercise room. We still got one to go and he seems to be a fixture. His mum washes and irons white shirts and his collection of ties is starting to clog the house. Being a hater of white shirts and ties it confuses the hell out of me. So when he goes, thats the games room.Why should he leave. There is a computer room and exercise room! :doh:

[Bluegum]

Slug boy sounds a bit like my youngest brother. Just turned 32 and not long got his licence, busted up with his wife after she miscarried and ran off with a younger woman at his work. Moved in with her 2 weeks after he left her and his new girl friend is now pregnant. He hasn't sorted anything out with his wife and its all in limbo. God forbid any of us speaking out against him cause he has his mind set and won't see what he is doing. Must admit I am glad I am living away from them all.

[Kev Y.]

Phil, I feel your pain.. I have had to help move 2 daughters, one to Cairnes, and one to Brisbaine, the one from Cairnes came home after 3 months.

Fathers do for their daughters because we still want to protect them, After all we were once a slug boy ourselves :((

Might I suggest you do similar to what I once did.. Take "slug boy" out into the workshop, and introduce him to the machines you will use to make his body disappear if he makes your daughters life a misery.

My "slug boy" didn't come back :2tsup:

[kekemo]

.... have you actually found out why 'slugboy' at 25 doesn't drive...mmm
I would be checking all his credentials... doesn't seem to have a back bone...

We all do over & above for kids... its a non negotiable field... we all are guilty of this & would do it over & over...
But ... along the way lets be sensible ... if he needs checking out... do so... mmm... like the last idea also...lol... but would be worried showing any lazy oath my tool assets.
Lots of parents out here feeling for you mate...
Don't worry.. sometimes its the other way around... my son was prime target for girls with nothing....he was a big earner/ big spender & was far to generous... MUM had to watch his big pennies .... he had two houses & lots of toys... just took him some time to get the brains...... finally found a lovely young teacher... & now settled.. but for a few years I was worried.. ... thank goodness all fine now... what a difference the right one makes...!!!!
goodluck
Cheers Kekemo.

[artme]

Don 't have daughters but three sons, none of whom are slug boys and for that I am thankful.

At the moment however, I am observing plenty of angst among friends and family her in Brasil who have similar issues.

We all love our children. but there is a difference between a soft heart and a soft head. Tough love is often the answer, provided it's not left for too long.






Might I suggest you do similar to what I once did.. Take "slug boy" out into the workshop, and introduce him to the machines you will use to make his body disappear if he makes your daughters life a misery.

My "slug boy" didn't come back :2tsup::hahaha::hahaha::hahaha:

[Sawmaster]

I'm so sorry Phil, but I breed "slug-boys." May the Lord have mercy on my soul.

http://img188.imageshack.us/img188/1479/10001368881564.jpg (http://img188.imageshack.us/i/10001368881564.jpg/)

[Phil Spencer]

Phil, I feel your pain.. I have had to help move 2 daughters, one to Cairnes, and one to Brisbaine, the one from Cairnes came home after 3 months.

Fathers do for their daughters because we still want to protect them, After all we were once a slug boy ourselves :((

Might I suggest you do similar to what I once did.. Take "slug boy" out into the workshop, and introduce him to the machines you will use to make his body disappear if he makes your daughters life a misery.

My "slug boy" didn't come back :2tsup:

I like this idea, problem is he is to fat to go through the thicknesser, could put his hand across the jointer :):)

[Kev Y.]

MUM had to watch his big pennies .... .

Sorry had to read THIS twice :C :doh:

[Kev Y.]

I'm so sorry Phil, but I breed "slug-boys." May the Lord have mercy on my soul.


One day we MAY forgive you.. one day........:q

[Dengue]

You are getting slow, Phil. 26 years old and still at home sponging off you?? Car, furniture, removal costs all met by you?? What has she been doing to pay her way in life ?

You should have made it perfectly clear that she was leaving home and that there was no returning. That day she was moving, I would have had contract painters in her room for her to see, ripping down all the posters, repairing all the dints and kick marks, and repainting the room, making it into your study or an office. Your workshop shpuld have been working overtime making new furntiture to suit. That way she would get the message that she has left home, and needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. Tough love!! She would soon realise that Slug Boy was not the ideal supportive partner she needed for this next phase of her life.

Opportunities like that only come once in a lifetime, Phil, and need to be grabbed with both hands. Looks like you allowed the status quo to be restored! Silly man.



regards,
Jill

he he he

[Phil Spencer]

You are getting slow, Phil. 26 years old and still at home sponging off you?? Car, furniture, removal costs all met by you?? What has she been doing to pay her way in life ?

You should have made it perfectly clear that she was leaving home and that there was no returning. That day she was moving, I would have had contract painters in her room for her to see, ripping down all the posters, repairing all the dints and kick marks, and repainting the room, making it into your study or an office. Your workshop shpuld have been working overtime making new furntiture to suit. That way she would get the message that she has left home, and needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. Tough love!! She would soon realise that Slug Boy was not the ideal supportive partner she needed for this next phase of her life.

Opportunities like that only come once in a lifetime, Phil, and need to be grabbed with both hands. Looks like you allowed the status quo to be restored! Silly man.



regards,
Jill

he he he

I was thrown out of home Jill what's wrong with loving ones daughter and not wanting her to experience the same trauma?

In doing so I have relived the trauma that I went through, to this day I still don't talk to my father.

Compounding all this my daughter has CFS.

[nihilism]

I'm 26 i moved out of home when i was 18, owned my first house at 23 and at the moment own 2 houses (trying to sell one). I don't understand how people can make it to that sort of age and still be living with their parents.

[Woodwould]

I was thrown out of home Jill what's wrong with loving ones daughter and not wanting her to experience the same trauma?

In doing so I have relived the trauma that I went through, to this day I still don't talk to my father.

Jeez Phil, a year is a long time to not to talk to your father. :p

[rrobor]

Mark Twain wrote " I left home at the age of 14 due to the fact my father was such an idiot. I returned years later and was surprised to find how much the old man had learned since I left". We all over compensate for the sins we perceive our parents made, and this is classic over compensation

[Kev Y.]

Jeez Phil, a year is a long time to not to talk to your father. :p

A year is a extremely long time, I went longer than that.. the last thing I said to my dad after a year of non talking was "rest in peace" :( :no:

[Phil Spencer]

Jeez Phil, a year is a long time to not to talk to your father. :p


A year is a extremely long time, I went longer than that.. the last thing I said to my dad after a year of non talking was "rest in peace" :( :no:

Left home about 36 years ago, tried talking to him but I gave up too beligerant and nastey and couldn't tell the truth if he tried. Can only bang ones head against the wall for so long.

[Phil Spencer]

I'm 26 i moved out of home when i was 18, owned my first house at 23 and at the moment own 2 houses (trying to sell one). I don't understand how people can make it to that sort of age and still be living with their parents.

Do you have a girl friend??

[Groggy]

Do you have a girl friend??and if not, do you want one :D

[nihilism]

Do you have a girl friend??

When i moved out of home? No. But i did have a pretty big incentice to move because at the time i had been doing a 200km round trip to work and back every day for about a year and decided i didn't want to waste 3 hours a day driving anymore.

I've been married since 25th July this year though so currently can no longer accept applications for girlfriends.

[dennford]

and if not, do you want one :D

I bet we all have some suggestions.

Denn

[Phil Spencer]

I've been married since 25th July this year though so currently can no longer accept applications for girlfriends.

Bugger, worth a try. :):D

[artme]

I withdraw my previous assessment for the youngest of my sons.

We left him at home, actually he moved back with his girlfriend after renting with some friends for 6 months. OK, he wanted to pay rent on the house while we are away- a good thing.

We left him understanding ( we thought ) that he was responsible for the lawns and gardens. According to friends the front garden and lawn are a mess and he has let my prized Black Palm die- a VERY bad thing.

We left $100 on the Go Via for the motorways. He has used that plus $132 more. This is legitimate usage to travel to and from work. Problem is the$132 has been the subject of an email to me as the transponders are in my name. He has not even attempted to pay the bill - a bloody bad thing.

I rang him to remind him of his responsibilities. He read from the Book of Excuses, said he didn't want me ringing him just to "get up him" and hung the phone up - a VERY BLOODY bad thing.

I think the scales are against him.

[NCArcher]

Starting to sound sluggish Artme. :doh:

I did the whole move out, move back in thing with my daughter. She is currently OUT with Slug Boy who to his credit is the same slug boy as the original OUT. That's about all I can give him credit for though. He doesn't have a job and my daughter pays all bills and rent. Although I have expressed my opinion, she is an adult and needs to make her own mistakes. But she knows that I will always be there to support her if she needs help. And slug boy knows that I have a shovel and a 4WD. Strangely he has never asked me to drive him anywhere. :roll:

[TP1]

I was thrown out of home Jill what's wrong with loving ones daughter and not wanting her to experience the same trauma?

In doing so I have relived the trauma that I went through, to this day I still don't talk to my father.

Compounding all this my daughter has CFS.

I don't think you have done anything wrong initially Phil- I am firmly in the camp that parents can only advise, assist and provide support for our kids. Our kids make mistakes and like us at their age, they do not understand the anguish that we go through. They will once they are parents, however.

I had an issue with my son who was living with a girl who I can only describe as a 'Slug Girl'. My son was raised in a warm loving family and had not experienced such selfish and predatory behaviour from a girl before. I helped set him up initially, as fathers do, and against my advice she was later allowed to move in with him. He was quite miserable for the 2 1/2 years they were together.

It is thankfully over now and he is happy again and with a great career. He has just now bought his own house at 26 years of age. The reason I still have a great relationship with my son I think is because I was always there for him, even when he made crazy choices.

I think its admirable that you do not want your daughter to suffer the same family breakdown that you did. I think it is very important for the ultimate well being of children at any age to have healthy and supportive relationships with their parents

As men we love to take action and fix things when they go wrong, including poor choices our kid's make. But 'things' such as this cannot usually be fixed in our tight time frames.

[munruben]

We all love our kids and they will make mistakes no matter how we try to advise them Strange thing is you can spend years telling them the right way to live and the someone comes along and tells them the wrongs things and they take notice of someone who they have known for a few moments and all your teachings go out the window.
I guess the only thing we can do is let them learn from their own mistakes, if they wont listen and be there for them to pick up the pieces. It's not easy rearing kids. It often makes me wonder what the future holds for us all when the younger generation take over from us oldies.

[funkychicken]

where are all the eligible young men?

Here Sir!

I think you need to have a talk with your daughter, tell her that she's worth more than Slug boy's offering. Also have a word to Slug boy, Fathers can have quite an effect on young men who get near their daughters. Don't ask me how I know:rolleyes:

[Bazzmate]

Hmmm . . . Are you an idiot? (Hope you didn't ask and expect everyone to give you nice 'you poor thing' answers?)
No you’re not an idiot for wanting to help your daughter.
Yes you are an idiot (you did ask!!!) for making it waaaaay too easy for her to move out with someone you do not approve of but don’t worry, take comfort in being one of the many thousands of parent nowadays who for whatever reason, doesn't say NO and just throws money at their children thinking that they are doing so in their kids best interest. Another example of this modern day ‘tough love’ is where parents give their kids a car instead of telling them to go out, get a job and working for it.
To all the people who are saying that kids need to make their own mistakes . . . I'm still trying to work out how physically helping and funding the move equates to 'letting her make her own mistake'? Hang on, I just got it . . . you are just trying to be nice for Phil.:doh:
No you’re not an idiot for going and rescuing her from a bad situation but you can’t exactly whinge about the extra cost when you put her there.
The sad part is that your daughter will probably always end up with Girlyboy-Mooching-Slugboys as there appears to be a growing plague of them out there who need to harden (the . . . .) up, throw away the hair product and get a haircut (for starters).
In defence of the slugboys of this world . . it’s probably not all their fault as their fathers may not have spent quantity time with them when they were younger so that dad could be a greater (and hopefully positive) influence on them and hopefully a good role model for them – that’s of course if they were lucky enough to have a father around.
Sorry Phil, you put the question out there and there are probably more issues involved here between yourself and your daughter that a forum won't be able to work out for you but here's my opinion even if it is wrong.
Cheers
(Oops, I've probably offended a few people? Did I leave anyone out?:D)

Might I suggest you do similar to what I once did.. Take "slug boy" out into the workshop, and introduce him to the machines you will use to make his body disappear if he makes your daughters life a misery.

My "slug boy" didn't come back :2tsup:
Love ya work Brudda!:2tsup:
(Is that Brudda as in Brudda from another Mudda?)

[Phil Spencer]

Hmmm . . . Are you an idiot? (Hope you didn't ask and expect everyone to give you nice 'you poor thing' answers?)
No you’re not an idiot for wanting to help your daughter.
Yes you are an idiot (you did ask!!!) for making it waaaaay too easy for her to move out with someone you do not approve of but don’t worry, take comfort in being one of the many thousands of parent nowadays who for whatever reason, doesn't say NO and just throws money at their children thinking that they are doing so in their kids best interest. Another example of this modern day ‘tough love’ is where parents give their kids a car instead of telling them to go out, get a job and working for it.
To all the people who are saying that kids need to make their own mistakes . . . I'm still trying to work out how physically helping and funding the move equates to 'letting her make her own mistake'? Hang on, I just got it . . . you are just trying to be nice for Phil.:doh:
No you’re not an idiot for going and rescuing her from a bad situation but you can’t exactly whinge about the extra cost when you put her there.
The sad part is that your daughter will probably always end up with Girlyboy-Mooching-Slugboys as there appears to be a growing plague of them out there who need to harden (the . . . .) up, throw away the hair product and get a haircut (for starters).
In defence of the slugboys of this world . . it’s probably not all their fault as their fathers may not have spent quantity time with them when they were younger so that dad could be a greater (and hopefully positive) influence on them and hopefully a good role model for them – that’s of course if they were lucky enough to have a father around.
Sorry Phil, you put the question out there and there are probably more issues involved here between yourself and your daughter that a forum won't be able to work out for you but here's my opinion even if it is wrong.
Cheers
(Oops, I've probably offended a few people? Did I leave anyone out?:D)



You are most likely right in everything you have said Bazzmate, but having being belted senseless until I urinated my pants by my father as a kid, and every time I looked in the mirror I was reminded buy the scars on my face so I grew a beard to hide them, I suppose that I have over compensated. 'Tough love' it is another word for abuse as far as I am concerned.

Slug Boys father left his first wife and small kids to take up with a tart who gave him Slug Boy after a romp on the kitchen floor (Slug Boy takes delight in recounting the story), father of Slug Boy ignored his first family had nothing to do with them, disowned them and refused to pay maintenance.

So far from what I can see Slug Boy is a chip off the old block, I only hope and pray that my daughter comes to her senses.

When i became a JP I took an oath that I would treat all people with fairness and without prejudice something that I hold sacred BUT I am about to break that oath.

[tea lady]

Slug Boys father left his first wife and small kids to take up with a tart who gave him Slug Boy after a romp on the kitchen floor (Slug Boy takes delight in recounting the story), father of Slug Boy ignored his first family had nothing to do with them, disowned them and refused to pay maintenance.

So far from what I can see Slug Boy is a chip off the old block, I only hope and pray that my daughter comes to her senses.

:C Sounds like he really admires someone who treats women with contempt. Hope she comes to here senses soon.

[opelblues]

my little girl, 12 going on 21. know that the 2 tractor diff's in the safe are not for show.

[Phil Spencer]

Can't believe the gaul of Slug Boy rings my wife and asked if he can have the contents of my scrap wood bin for his fathers fire :((. My wife came out to the workshop and relayed the message think that I used and invented a few rude words Rhonda was laughing said she knew what my answer would be. Honistly some people have a hide, maybe I can gently place the scrap wood barrel where the sun doesn't shine.

[Cruzi]

To answer your question, yes.

No-body is ever good enough for Daddy's little princess, remember your first meetings with your father in law?

By forcing your opinions about your daughter's/son's partner will more likely drive them closer together than tear them apart.

Any parent who would have tried the showing what machines they would have used on me would have got a first hand experience themselves. I threw my wife's uncle out of our wedding for making similar noises about looking after his niece.

Paying for anything your kids want to do after they have got their first fulltime job does not encourage fiscal responsibilty, and yes, it may be hard to see them make mistakes, but mistakes they fix themselves are rarely repeated.

[Bob38S]

Can't believe the gaul of Slug Boy rings my wife and asked if he can have the contents of my scrap wood bin for his fathers fire :((. My wife came out to the workshop and relayed the message think that I used and invented a few rude words Rhonda was laughing said she knew what my answer would be. Honistly some people have a hide, maybe I can gently place the scrap wood barrel where the sun doesn't shine.

While you keep giving he/they will continue to take.

Re the wood scraps - offer to sell it to him at the going rate for firewood.

[Gingermick]

but if he sells them he will need them for something the following day, scrap wood is invaluable IMHO

[Waldo]

Can't believe the gaul of Slug Boy rings my wife and asked if he can have the contents of my scrap wood bin for his fathers fire :((.

Nah, give him some scrap timber for the fire, but before you do coat it liberally with something noxious that when it burns it will render him sterile. Sometimes things should never have the chance to breed. :2tsup:

[Dengue]

Interesting column on the weekend in the Courier Mail liftout QWeekend by columnist Kim Sweetman.

She indicated that the Internet is not the best place to get information on personal problems. She quoted an example of someone who sought opinions on an online parenting site and found some of the opinions were quite brutal ( sound familiar, Phil?).

She went on to say "most of these motherhood /parenting sites are a useful place to seek advice, but when they go bad, they can really go very bad. Imagine being personally attacked for the most banal of reasons on an issue that is important to you. Which makes you wonder why anyone shares their personal problems with strangers.".

Many people are left devastated after some of the opinions expressed, so be wary.

Thought you would be interested :)

regards,
Jill

[Phil Spencer]

Interesting column on the weekend in the Courier Mail liftout QWeekend by columnist Kim Sweetman.

She indicated that the Internet is not the best place to get information on personal problems. She quoted an example of someone who sought opinions on an online parenting site and found some of the opinions were quite brutal ( sound familiar, Phil?).

She went on to say "most of these motherhood /parenting sites are a useful place to seek advice, but when they go bad, they can really go very bad. Imagine being personally attacked for the most banal of reasons on an issue that is important to you. Which makes you wonder why anyone shares their personal problems with strangers.".

Many people are left devastated after some of the opinions expressed, so be wary.

Thought you would be interested :)

regards,
Jill

What I got out off this thread Jill is despite what some of my friends have said to my face is that I really am not an idiot just a father who cares for and loves his daughter and that I am not the only one who feels this way.

To my face my friends only said what they thought sounded main stream and politically correct at the time BTW they don't have children. By talking through this thread there is an anonymity and usually there is more honest opinions and advice, granted there are a few ratbags but ususlly one can see through them.

I think that most of the members of this Forum are basically caring and honest with their opinions, and that is, I think because of a common interest that binds us all together