shmbo

[popawisky]

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?





Made her chain too long!
:confused: ;)

[outback]

Wot do you do if ya washing machine stops working?



Smack her in the mouth and tell her to wake up to herself. :eek:

[Bob Willson]

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?


Nothing... she's been told twice already.

[bitingmidge]

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing... she's been told twice already.

Yeah well...

You know why single women don't fart??

They don't pick up their a***1e till their wedding day.

:eek: :eek: :eek:

(that was for Jackie, Kathy et al!!)

Cheers,

P

[DanP]

Suck!

[bitingmidge]

Last edited by : 5 Minutes Ago at 08:31 PM
Thanks ! I tried lots of other words first, honest!!!!

"Bottom" just didn't work!:D

(Maybe the whole thread should have a few deft strokes of the "roughing gouge!")

:D :D :D
Cheers,

P

[Kev Y.]

I just HAVE to add This one...

Q) Why do all brides dress in white????

A) ALL kitchen appliances are white!!!!

Kev ;) :rolleyes: :cool:

[RETIRED]

Thanks ! I tried lots of other words first, honest!!!!

"Bottom" just didn't work!:D

(Maybe the whole thread should have a few deft strokes of the "roughing gouge!")

:D :D :D
Cheers,

P

I find that most people can substitute for the asterisks (dirty minded buggers :D ) but at least I am letting all know that I am still alive, I think :rolleyes:

[Christopha]

Why do women have orgasms?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
So they can have something else to moan about!

[jackiew]

which 4 animals does every woman want?

a tiger in the bedroom,
a mink in the wardrobe,
a jaguar in the garage
and ........


a jackass to pay for it all

xxx
Jackie

[jackiew]

warning ... some men might find these offensive ... but show them to swmbo and I bet she laughs :)







Q : What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles?
A : Reload and carry on shooting.

Q : Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
A : Because it only attacks the brain.

Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A : A rumour.

Q : A couple are lying in bed. The man says : "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
A : The woman says : "I will surely miss you"

Q : What takes longer to make - a snowman or snowwoman?
A : The snowman, because you have to hollow out the head first.

Q : What is the difference between a Yeti and an intelligent man?
A : It is believed that a Yeti has been sighted.

[bitingmidge]

You people are so awful!!

This all reminds me of one of the conferences I was dragged along to a few years ago when I was undergoing domestic retraining, (the brainwashing that turned me into the sensitive soul that I am).

It was international womens year, and one of those 'Women Who Want To Be Blokes" organisations had put on this show about equality on the home front.

Pommy shiela got up and told how she did her bit for womankind. She decided that her old bloke was going to give a hand with the cleaning, so she told him that from that day on cleaning the house was going to be his job.

She said the first day she saw no activity whatsoever, the second and third days were the same, but by the fourth day he'd got the message and she came home from work to find the house shining like a new pin. He'd even done the washing and the ironing.

She received a round of tumultuous applause from the crowd.

Then some Seppo bird got up and started sprouting about how she too had taken a stand. In an effort to promote equality in the home, she had decided that she would no longer cook.

After telling her husband the good news, she reported that like her sister from England, she saw no change on the first day, on the second and third they ate take-away, but on the fourth day she arrived home from work, and he had cooked a magnificent five course meal, laid that table complete with flowers and candles, and they dined in this exquisitely romantic setting.

She received a standing ovation.

Finally the Aussie speaker took the stage.

She opened her remarks similarly, saying that she had taken a stand, that she too was a pioneer for equality in the home. She had told her husband that she was no longer going to clean OR cook.

The first day, she said, she saw nothing.

On the second day she saw nothing.

By the third day, she could see just a little bit out of her left eye.


:eek: :eek: :eek:

The above message does not necessarily reflect the views of all or any of the members of this board! Please don't try this at home!!

Deep down I'm still wondering why we laugh about someone belting someone whom we presume to be weaker. It's a kind of Aussie blokey gutless response I think!!

Cheers,

P (Who won his last fistfight by 200 metres).

[Ivan in Oz]

warning ... some men might find these offensive ... but show them to swmbo and I bet she laughs :)

.

Why should she only enjoy them?
They ARE funny.
Are they true?....................

Count..........................on that!

[FAB]

As this is a woodworkers page.

How many nails in a lesbians coffin?

None it all tongue in grove! :eek:

[Kev Y.]

Why do women have orgasms?



They have what??????? :confused: :confused: :confused: :p

[Baz]

Why do women have small feet?







So they can stand close to the sink.

[Kev Y.]

Why dont women burp or fart??


Because they can not keep their mouths closed long enough to build up any pressure!

Kev ;) :rolleyes: :cool:

[Barry_White]

What is the difference between a hormonal woman and an Iranian Terrorist?












At least you can negotiate with an Iranian Terrorist.

[scooter]

How do you give a woman an orgasm?

Who cares!


Son:"Mum, what's an orgasm?"

Mum:"I don't know, ask your father."


What does WIFE stand for?

Washing Ironing Food & Entertainment (cleaned that up....!)

[RETIRED]

Excellent! Well done Scooter :cool:

[Christopha]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth

[Iain]

No...............on second thoughts I'd better not :confused:

[Ben from Vic.]

Son comes home from school and says "dad, I got a part in the school play"

To which the father replys "great son, which part did you get?".

"I got the part of the husband" the son informs him.

"don't worry son, maybe you'll get a speaking part next time"

Ben.



Ps. C'mon ladies your not gonna take this are you? were's your jokes?

[fxst]

Ps. C'mon ladies your not gonna take this lying down are you? were's your jokes?

well theres an opening .......naaaaaah I leave it for :D

[Christopha]

There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

[Caliban]

well theres an opening .......naaaaaah I leave it for :D


To which was about to reply when Christopha saved him by saying...